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Saturday 6 February 2010
In retrospect, I'm beginning to think that it's probably not a good concept to allow an eight year-old child work in a turkey de-beaking plant. The poor kid gets home far too late and it interferes with my severe gambling addiction and multi-personality disorder psychotherapy sessions. All this awful mess stems from my childhood, when I suffered a serious allergy to nuts. My father took great pleasure in playing Russian Roulette with me using a bag of Revels. I now have regular appointments with my shrink who has cured my inferiority complex in just a few days. |He has come to the conclusion that I am inferior! He reckons that I am in decline, but handling it with tremendous panache!
I was having a beer in my local pub 'The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife' yesterday, when who should wander in, but my next-door neighbour 'Barmy Albert'. He was most upset. Apparently, he got home early from work and found his wife (Ethel) and his best
friend in bed with each other!" I sez to him "Thats awful, what are you going to do?"
He said "I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce forthwith!" "Good for you!" I replied, "You did the right thing, and what did you say to your best friend?" Albert composed himself and with all the dignity he could muster, he replied "Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ..BAD DOG!"
A pal of mine had to attend hospital recently. The consultant advised him after a thorough examination that he had “something very, very rare”. In a state of near panic my friend enquired “ what’s that then?” The consultant replied “A bed”
The National Eczema Association are currently raising funds and making every endeavor to raise both their profile and public awareness of this irritating skin disorder. They have launched a scratch card.
Some things are totally beyond belief. I hear that The National Drugs Helpline have streamlined their telephone advice system. When you dial their number now, a recorded voice gives you several options. It goes like this. “Hello, welcome to the drugs helpline, if you are addicted to heroine, press button one on your telephone keypad, if you are having problems with cocaine, press two, if you are addicted to amphetamines, press three. For all other drug enquiries, press the hash key”