Monday, 9 September 2019
The Brexit Farrago....
Joiner required for cabinet that’s falling apart. Apply to Boris Johnson, 10, Downing Street, London. No need to bring any tools. The place is full of ‘em. I hear that even the new puppy has defected to the Lib Dems!
I was working in Tenerife and as I sauntered down the promenade, I spotted a restaurant advertising "Lobster Tails 2 Euros." Anyway, I paid the money and the bloke sez "Once upon a time, there was this lobster."
I was stopped by the fuzz last night. Copper sez: "Sir, do you know your car was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry ossifer, but I've supped ten pints of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Bitter up the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and feel a tad bladdered." He then proclaimed: "That's no excuse to let your missus drive!"
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went to a night club. The doorman sez: "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Have you noticed that if you Google the phrase: " Lost medieval servant boy " It tells you ‘This page could not be found.’ Fascinating!
Thought for Thursday: "Trying is the first step towards failure." - Homer Simpson.
Barmy Albert was down the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Explaining to Dastardly Dennis, the landlord, how Non-Stick Nora disguised herself as a bloke and was able to join the army. "But, hang on a minute," said Dennis "Nora would have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too. Wouldn't she?" "Yep," replied Albert. "Well, wouldn't they have found out?" asked Dastardly Den Albert replied, "Yeah. But who was gonna tell?"
I sez to the missus, "Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?" She shouted, "Don't get lippy!" I sez, "Right! Mascara it is then!” She wanted me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations. I ended up taking her to Primark and got her the four tops instead....
My new vegetable patch is fantastic. I haven’t fancied a vegetable for weeks!
I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: Comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!