I'm currently stockpiling for the forthcoming No Deal Brexit. Party Poppers. Champagne. Can anyone recommend where to get red white and blue streamers and helium balloons? Have I forgotten anything?
Why is it that any fish caught in the English Channel, belong to the EU, whereas any humans found belong to the UK? Answers on a coastguard, please.
The clocks go back soon. I'm worried because I can't remember where l got mine from. When I put it forward in summer, it fell off the wall! The missus told me that it nearly hit her mother on the head. Mind you, that clock was always slow...
The wife sez that I possess an infantile mentality and I'm immature. She reckons that we will have to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate situation. As if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!
Experts are worried about the mental state of Donald Trump, after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
When I was in New York a few years ago, I met Paul Simon. I sez, "Paul, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?" He replied, "Call Me Al." I sez, "Al, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?"....
Thought for Thursday: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second contestant...
Barmy Albert went to the doctor yesterday, he sez he has Hypochondriasis. Albert replied: "Oh No! Not that as well!"...
Anyway, I was in B & Q and I sez to the bloke: "What gets rid of grease, grime and stubborn stains?" He said "Ammonia cleaner." I said "Oh really sorry mate, I thought you worked here..."
The missus and I were shopping in Tesco. I picked up a case of cider and put it in our shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans " I replied. "Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife and so we carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, the missus picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks yours truly. "It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replied the wife. Quick as a flash, I retorts: "So does 24 cans of cider and it's half the price." That’s when the fight started! On the PA system: 'Clean up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'
Raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website; www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!
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