Watching Netflix. It’s 2 am and in a particular scene, the doorbell rang. Poppy the new puppy then launched herself down the stairs, barking furiously because she obviously thought it was our front door. Took ages to calm her down and then it happened yet again. All this kerfuffle at 2 o’clock in the morning! So, instead of informing me that the filum contains violence, scenes of a sexual nature, graphic images etc, what I really need advising is: There are doorbells ringing in this production which will send your dog doo-lally!
Whilst on the subject of dogs and houses, there were two dogs talking, in a house and one sez: “Do you wanna hear a good joke?” The other dog replied: “Yes, I’m bored. Cheer me up.” The first dog went: “Knock-Knock.” Then both dogs went absolutely crazy!
I was viewing this woman's profile on a website: Blonde 33 from Stalybridge. Great personality 5ft – 3 green eyes. Don't get me wrong, no problem being vertically challenged, but three green eyes? Really odd! I’ve started my own dating website, aimed especially at veteran comedians. I’m gonna call it Trinder...
Back to school! Non-Stick Nora was so skint, she had to sell one of her kidneys to pay for the children’s new school uniform. Barmy Albert told me that if things get any worse, he'll have to cancel Sky Sports too!
The missus was going to the hairdressers and she asked me what particular cut would make her more attractive. I replied: “A power cut.” That’s when the fight started!
Thought for Thursday: A literalist is someone who takes things literally. A kleptomaniac is someone who literally takes things...
Due to a let-down, I make an appeal through this newspaper. Is there anybody on here interested in a helicopter trip? It will be with me, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora. We’ll be leaving at 10.20am on Friday from Manchester Airport and first fly direct to Blackpool where we will have breakfast. Afterwards, we fly to Dublin to enjoy a lunch and a Guinness or two. Later on in the afternoon we will then fly down to London for an evening fine dining before staying in a 5 star hotel in the centre of the city. Early the next morning we depart London to be back at Manchester around noon. If you are interested, please email me. Preferably someone with a helicopter.
A horse walks into the Pitbull & Stanley Knife pub and orders a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. Dastardly Dennis, the landlord remarks: “You’re in here quite often. Do you reckon you might be an alcoholic?” The nag replies: “I don’t think I am..” and promptly vanishes from existence! This joke is actually about Descartes’ famous philosophy of; “I think; Therefore, I am.” However, if I explain that part before the rest of the joke, then that would be putting Descarte before the horse. Now do you understand?
Don’t you hate it when folk act all intellectual and rant on about Schubert or Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of their paintings! I find it all quite disconcerting.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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