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Monday, 28 December 2015

Happy New 2016, Folks!


   

Get ready for 2016! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. You know it’s the right thing to do!



       


I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!" Anyway, I started talking to a voluptuous young brunette woman, because whenever I do summat like that, the missus just seems to appear out of nowhere. I finally located her in the frozen food section. Apparently, she had leaned into the freezer in an attempt to extricate a packet of vichyssoise and five fish fingers grabbed her by the throat!


                   

Even during the Christmas holidays, I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport! Another call that I received from a claims company yesterday. "Have you had an accident in the last 6 months, either at work or in the car?" "Yes I have actually." I confessed, "It was at work, whilst sat at my desk." "I see..." came the reply, "And did you think about suing the company?" "Nope, I just went home and changed my boxer shorts."


                         



Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital".

Barmy Albert: "How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."

                         

My New Year Resolution: I’ve decided to give up being a good example, I’ll just be a terrible warning instead.

                     

Over Christmas and New Year, we had family from far and wide visiting. Everyone was encouraged to bring all their kids too. During dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


                     



Breaking News: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.



                                     



In 2016, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did, those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Happy New Year to all my readers!!



                     


Monday, 14 December 2015

The Christmas Drinking Game....

     

I’ve just spotted Chris Rea on the M6 motorway. I wonder where he’s going?

Granny always wraps her Christmas presents up many months beforehand. Last year, she got me a lovely dog skeleton....

When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light, a first aid kit, warm blankets, a flask and a non-perishable food hamper. I must admit, I looked a complete and utter moron on the bus this morning....

     

When Barmy Albert worked at the Royal Mail, he had the job of processing all the letters that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting, to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was all about.
The letter began:
Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Friday is Christmas Day, and I have invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Yours Sincerely, Elsie Grabknuckle.

     
Barmy Albert was indeed touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers. Each one dug into his or her pocket and came up with a few quid each. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady addressed to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:



Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to prepare a glorious turkey dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your really wonderful and much appreciated present. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those robbing swine’s at the Royal Mail. Yours Sincerely, Elsie Grabknuckle.


             
Even during the Christmas holidays, I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport!



A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."



I sez to the missus, “Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year.” She replied, “I hope it isn’t the 13th!”





Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com Email me: Comedianuk@sky.com

                     

Sunday, 13 December 2015

Have A Cool Yule Folks!






If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”


These two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
         


Fascinating Fact: During Christmas, alcohol does NOT make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
                         


Took the kid to see the pantomime. Apparently, Walt Disney owns the rights to the names of of the Dwarfs. Most productions have to change the names, to avoid paying royalties. In our panto they had The Seven Dwarfs of Menopause. There was: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Psycho, Bloated, Forgetful and Snapper.


At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive presents such as jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.

My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I've bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour."

Thought for Thursday: You can tell that you’re getting old when: It takes twice as long, to look half as good.

           




At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

Visit my Christmas Joky-Bloggington! Click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Have a cool Yule folks!



             


Monday, 7 December 2015

Only Two More Leeds Managers To Christmas, Folks!

Top of Form
   
     
They say that lightning dosen’t strike twice. WRONG! Talk about gross misfortune. I got run over by a stretch limo on Monday morning. It took absolutely ages! Then to compound an already unfortunate farrago, yesterday, I was knocked down by, of all things, a mobile library. I was screaming in pain and anguish in the gutter and the librarian came out and shouted “Sshhhh!”




This teenage lad had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your flamin’ haircut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "So you’ve brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm annoyed that you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” His dad replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?!!"

I saw the WORST faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!



Doctor: "Your Mother-in-Law is in hospital".

Barmy Albert: "How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Barmy Albert: "Ah, you get used to that..."



Thought for Thursday: It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and even fewer still to ignore someone completely.



To anyone suffering from paranoia, you're not alone. I received a call from my agent advising me that I have been booked to speak at the Paranoid Society Annual Xmas Dinner.

The agent told me that the organiser of the event would be calling me personally to confirm the booking. As soon as I put the phone down, it rang again immediately. I sez “Hello” and this voice informed me that he was Simon Gilberthorpe from the Paranoid Society. I replied, “I’ve just been talking about you.” And he hung up!





Ladies. Listen up! If I make you breakfast in bed, then a simple ‘Thank you’ is all I need in return. Not all this “How the hell did you get into my house?” rhetoric. Okay? Rant over!




Last Monday, someone whacked me over the cranium with a power tool. I was sat there minding my own business, when all of a sudden, Bosch!





Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


   

Sunday, 29 November 2015

Steptoe & Son?


Could they by any chance be related?  I think we should be told!

New Tameside Super Hero!


Superb lunch raising funds for Beechwood Cancer Care With Gary Marshall - Mark Jones - John Stevenson (Pareto Financial Planning) - Angela Gray - Stan Boardman & Austin Knight at The Palace Hotel, Manchester.


           

At the Holiday Inn at Basildon, Essex last Thursday with the incorrigible Frank Bruno MBE. What a great guy! We had a brilliant evening and raised pots of dough for local charities.


Yesterday morning, I spotted a bloke running really fast down the High Street wearing a cape. I immediately thought that the Tameside and Glossop area had a new super hero! Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be some scallywag who had not paid for his haircut!

                 

Tesco have announced that it will create 20,000 new jobs across the UK, within the next twelve months. Beata Maria Szydło, the Polish Prime Minister, is said to be “absolutely delighted”....

The missus texted me at a gig last week: "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"
I texted back: "Spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them." A few minutes later, she replied: "Done all that, now computer won't work at all now”.

The missus, being an incurable romantic sort sent me a text: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you! Xxxx.  Me, being the typically non-romantic type, replied; "I am on the toilet. Please advise".

Still on the subject of texting, I sent the missus the following text: “Just got in Wetherspoons and having a beer. If I’m not home within thirty minutes, then read this text again...”



I walked up to reception area in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I have genuinely forgotten what room I'm in." The concierge gazed at me and replied, "No problem with that sir, this bit is called the lobby."



A doctor was addressing a large audience in London. "The fodder that we put into our gut is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, many years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, an old bloke in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"


                       


A shady character went into the bank, locked the door and put a balaclava on, he then took a gun out and shouted “This is a hold-up.” He approached the first customer in the queue, “Did you see my face, before I covered it?” The man sez “Yes, I did.” So the robber shot him. He asked the same question to next bloke. “Did you see my face?” “No I didn't, but the wife did.”


Thought for Thursday: I'd more than gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth on an individual.



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. I just saw a snowman in the greengrocers. He was picking his nose! Christmas-is-a-coming! Get yer baubles out!
       
 

Sunday, 22 November 2015

Send In The Clowns....



I was working with Neil 'Nello' Baldwin and Big Ron Atkinson on Friday to raise funds for Neil Baldwin FC in Stoke-on-Trent. Nello is a proper character and found fame when Lou Macari appointed him as kit man at Stoke.A film entitled 'Marvellous' has been made about his remarkable life. It has already won 2 BAFTA's and is to be broadcast again on Christmas Day.    Last week, I worked with the Liverpool legend that is Jimmy Case. He regaled the assembled throng with anecdotes from Liverpools golden era. He is a cracking bloke and an excellent top-table companion. A good chortle was had by all. I look forward to working with him again soon.
       



I got a weird text last night from a number I didn't know. I replied, "Who is this?" I got a message back saying, "I’m your worst nightmare. Be afraid, be VERY afraid!" Which left me somewhat perplexed, because the missus was snoring her head off on the chaise longue and she hadn't moved the whole time...


       


I was well hacked off with my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert yesterday, he kept playing the same Lionel Ritchie song over and over at full blast. I wouldn't mind normally, but it was All Night Long. See what I did there! Then the missus told me she wanted a divorce, because of my obsession with 70’s pop group The Monkees. I didn’t believe her at first. And Then I Saw Her Face.... 


               


After the Lionel Richie incident, I asked Barmy Albert why he had number forty-two painted on his wheelie bin, when he actually lives at number four, "It's so that the dustbin men will leave it near my house after they have emptied it," he replied.

             


A young Scouse lad asks his mum where his new Liverpool shirt is. "I washed it and it's drying on the washing line." The young boy rushes to the window to see his beloved Liverpool top lying in the mud. "Mum, why is my Liverpool top in the mud?" His mother looks out of the window and shouts, "The thievin’ swines have nicked the pegs again!" 

                                         


I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately...... The most common one seems to be ......"You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!" 


                                 


Fascinating Fact: I reckon that every time a tupperware lid vanishes, it morphs into a wire coat hanger.....

I saw my old maths teacher in Manchester town centre today and he recognised me right away! He crossed the road, came straight up to me and shouted, "Are you chewing?"

Yesterday, Parcelforce rang my doorbell. He sez, "I've got a parcel for next door."
I looked at him and replied, "You've got the wrong house then, mate."....

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"

Thought for Thursday: All I really want is a lot less to do, much more time to do it, and more money for not getting it done.

RIP My dear friend Cynthia Payne, sadly passed away last week aged 82. She was immortalised in the movie 'Personal Services' where Julie Walters portrayed her incredible life. I shall miss our long chats on the phone. Life will be infinitely poorer for her passing. Farewell, Madame Cyn, it was a privelege to know you. There'll never be another!
       



If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

   

Sunday, 15 November 2015

The Estimated Account Procedure....

      


British Gas rang yesterday morning and curtly informed me: "The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low." I sez, "Yeah, I've never actually read the meters. I just think beforehand how much I feel like paying, and then I adjust the figures to suit." "Sir, that is fraudulent, you can't do that!" they sez. I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you robbing scallywags!"



The missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her.) was counting all the five and ten pence coins out on the kitchenette table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting, screaming and crying for no apparent reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



Walking into Tesco and placing the bag on the counter at customer services, I sez to the assistant, "I'd like to return this, please." "Is there anything wrong with the item?" she asked. "Nothing whatsoever." I replied. "It's hardly been used, I just don’t need it anymore." "Sir, this bag is empty," the assistant sarcastically informed me. "That's correct," I sez. "I'd like my five pence back please." While I was in Tesco, I bought some rocket salad, but it went off before I could eat it!


On Monday, I escorted the mother-in-law to her doctor’s appointment. She had a carrot stuck fast up her nose, a banana jammed in one ear and a cucumber was lodged in her other ear! The doctor asked me, “What seems to be the problem?”I said “Well, I’m no medical expert myself, doctor. But I don't reckon that she ain’t eating properly.”



After being wheeled out of the operating theatre, the patient whispered to the matron, “I’m fine, but I didn’t like the four- letter word that I overheard the surgeon use during the operation.” “What did he say?” enquired the Matron. ‘Oops!’ came the reply...





I was languishing in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House last night, larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter British Beer, when I said to the missus, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" "No, you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....



Barmy Albert and Dastardly Derek were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Albert sez, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Derek replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’



Quote for Thursday: "Write a funny anecdote and your name will live forever." – Anonymous.


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

      




Monday, 9 November 2015

OAP's Medicine Chest....

It has taken me many, many months of my retirement time, but I have just finished building my new Medicine Cabinet. I don’t know about you, but I think it was well worth the time and expenditure, so it was.


Disease
Wine
Daily dose
Allergies
Chardonay de Paeuf
1 glass
Anaemia
Graves
4 glasses
Bronchitis
Bourgogne or Bordeaux 
( + sugar and cinnamon )
3 cups
Constipation
Anjou blanc  Vouvray
4 glasses
Coronary arteries
Dry Champagne
4 glasses
Diarrhoea
Beaujolais Nouveau
4 glasses
Fever
Champagne sec
1 bottle
Heart
Burgundy, Santenay Rouge
2 glasses
Uric acid (ie gout)
Sancerre, Pouilly Fume
4 glasses
Hypertension
Alsace, Sancerre
4 glasses
Menopause
Saint Emilion
4 glasses
Depression
Rhine
4 glasses
Obesity
Burgundy
4 glasses
Obesity
Rose Provence
1 bottle
Rheumatism
Champagne
4 glasses
Excessive weight loss
Chateau de Beaune
4 glasses
From the British Association Of Retired Folk
Q:Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a Waterstones bookstore under 'fiction'.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy.  If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q:Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory ?
A: Storing something in memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q:Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
A: Nudity
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique shops?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."



Saturday, 7 November 2015

The X-Factor Drinking Game....

                 


I played the X-Factor Drinking Game over the weekend. It’s dead easy. Why not give it a try? This is the two-step guide: (1) Switch this rubbish off. (2) Go down to Wetherspoons.


               

On Monday last week, there were fireworks going off and it was nowhere near Bonfire Night. Christmas paraphernalia is festooned in all the supermarkets and its weeks away from the festered season. Pancake Day is a staggering four months away and all the shops are full of eggs, flour, milk & lemons etc. What is going on? I think we should be told.



Last week on Hallowe'en, I shouted through to the missus. "Darling, there's a witch at the door, what shall I do?" She replied, "Just give her a lollipop and tell her to get lost." The mother-in-law hasn't been seen since....

     


I dialled a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, then you are one of the changes."

         


British Telecom rang me yesterday and curtly informed yours truly that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next seven days, they were going to disconnect the phone. I sez to ‘em, “Your bill is in a queue!”


                           

Moreover, on the plus side of my domestic outgoings, British Gas let me know that I have the best gas and electricity bills on my street. It’s true! They have said that both are outstanding!

     


The missus sez, “There’s a bloke knocking on our front door with a beard.” I replied, “No wonder we didn’t hear him!” It turned out that this geezer wanted a word with me. He opined, “It’s been a whole year now since we installed your double glazing and according to our records, you haven’t made a single payment.” I gazed at him with much disdain and replied, “That’s because you told me that within a year, it would pay for itself!”

                       


I’m totally fed up with folk knocking on my door, so I’ve put this notice up. Feel free to copy and use it yourself folks! DOOR KNOCKERS PLEASE NOTE! This household charges £20 to listen to sales pitches And/or religious messages. This charge is payable in advance. By knocking on this door, you hereby signal your agreement to the terms outlined above.

         

Thought for Thursday: If you help a man when he is in trouble, then he will always remember you when he is in trouble again....

                                   

I was making every endeavour in a somewhat futile attempt to eschew obfuscation, via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com    Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!