Search This Blog

Sunday, 30 March 2014

What To Do With Your Opinion....


Crimea River...





I was feeling so bad about the Derby game result last Tuesday, I went straight out the following morning and bought a self-help DVD called "How to Deal With Disappointment." When I opened it, the box was empty! 

I’ve been invited to speak at the Manchester United end of season dinner. It’s next Wednesday. Over many years, it has been well documented that Old Trafford is an extremely difficult ground for any team to win at. Could this be the reason why Manchester United are struggling this season?

The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

While visiting Manchester Art Gallery, I was admiring a rather Rubenesque oil painting of a naked woman, her modesty being covered with leaves. The wife didn’t appreciate it and moved on, whereas I stayed put, continuing to admire a great work of art. The missus asks, "What are you hanging around for?" I replied, "Autumn.”

Barmy Albert and Dastardly Derek met in the park every day to feed the ducks, watch the squirrels and discuss global issues. However, one day Albert didn't appear. Derek didn't concern himself too much about it and reckoned that maybe he had the flu or some other malady. But after Albert hadn't shown up for a week or two, Derek really got worried. Moreover, because the only time they ever got together was at the park, Derek didn't know where Barmy Albert lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Dastardly Derek figured that he had seen the last of Albert, but one day, Derek approached the park and -- lo and behold! There sat Albert! Derek was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “For crying out loud Albert, what in the world happened to you?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Barmy Albert replied, “I have been in Stangeways nick.” “In gaol!” ' cried Derek.”What in the world for?” “'Well” Albert opined, “You know Sharon, that gorgeous little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?” “Of course I do,” confirmed Derek, “I remember her well. What about her?” “'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.” “'The magistrate gave me thirty days for perjury.”

I abhor those people who bang on your door at the most inopportune times and pontificate at great length how you need to be ‘Saved’ or ‘You will burn!’ Bleedin’ Fire Brigade!

Yet another leaflet floods through the letterbox, asking for charitable donations! If the money went to the cause I would gladly contribute. But sadly it doesn't, and there are so many requests. Adopt me instead, for a mere £3 a month. You know it’s the right thing to do.


If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
 





Thursday, 27 March 2014

The Jack & Jill Syndrome...


Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large ... ' 


I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'


Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'


Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'






Man Utd Jokes.... #manutd

   United & City managers on the touchline for the Derby game last Tuesday. 


Manchester United have submitted a planning application to Trafford Town Hall for permission to have the scoreboard made bigger in readiness for next Tuesday when they play Bayern Munich....

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United have just announced that they have sold the naming rights to Old Trafford. It will now be called The 03 Arena.

Over many years, it has been well documented that Old Trafford is an extremely difficult ground for any team to win at. Could this be the reason why Manchester United are struggling this season?





                                   Moyes Tactical Board



Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Giving Up Wine....

A woman writes....

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of quid for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out a tenner and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'




Sunday, 23 March 2014

Exasperated ain't in it!



Oh, the shame of it all! The mother-in-law was caught shoplifting recently. The judge asked what she had nicked. “A tin of peaches”, she said. “How many peaches were in the tin?” “Six”, she replied. “Well, I'll give you six days in prison for this heinous crime.” I couldn’t resist shouting out, “She also nicked a tin of baked beans”'

I went to my solicitor yesterday and, like the responsible spouse that I am, I wrote out my will. As I got home I called out to the missus, "That's it done, love! When I die I'm going to leave everything to you." She cheerily called back "You already do, you useless lump!!” I did the only thing I could do. I gave her a round of applause!

Breaking News: The Manchester United squad visited an orphanage yesterday. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Britney aged 6.

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street (behind the gasworks) this bloke suddenly hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished fella continued walking to the zebra crossing. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the flamin’ hell were you when I got married last week?"

I was chatting to a girl in Wetherspoons last night, and the conversation went thus: "Why are you only drinking orange juice?" I politely enquired. "It’s because I’m pregnant." she retorted. "I thought you were, because your tummy is sticking right out," I smiled, "But I didn't want to ask, just in case you were just a fatty. How far gone are you?" She replied, "three weeks." Oh dear! Hat and coat time already!

Joke of the Week: A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine."Hiya darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, "hello"?

Thought for Thursday: Everybody has the power to make someone else really happy. Some do it by just entering a room. Others do it by leaving.

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

St Paddy's Day!



Happy Paddy's Day People! Have a great day, but remember that we're English, and please celebrate St.George's Day on April 23rd with equal vigour! Yes, it’s that day again when the Irish miss work and spend all day drinking Monday. It's said that a thousand Irish people die from alcoholic poisoning every year on St Patrick's day.
That's two more than any other day!




"What do we want for Paddy's Day?"
"Northern Ireland accents!"
"When do we want them?"
"Noiye"



St Paddy's Day! Pat sez to Mick, "Where didya get that six-leaf clover?" Mick replies, "Our Seamus has thousands of 'em growing up in his loft!"



Monday, 17 March 2014

Manchester United Latest! #manutd



The Manchester United squad visited a local orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Britney aged 6.


This season Liverpool are raving about the SAS - Sturridge and Suarez.  Man Utd are still trying to come up with a similar snappy acronym for Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling.






Sunday, 16 March 2014

What with all the travelling I have to do, I've started to learn Arabic. Below is my first attempt. What do you think of my initial effort, folks?


Fred Astaire's Brother...






Breaking News: Manchester United have reached an agreement to now be sponsored by a company that reflects their tactics and general gameplay, Pampers. Piss poor up front and shit at the back.

On a rare Saturday night off, I took the missus (Or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her.) to the local bug hut to see The Grand Budapest Hotel. What a fantastic movie! Our experience was only marred by two women constantly chattering in the seats behind us. I said to them, "Excuse me, I can't hear." "I should hope not". Came the reply, "this is a private conversation."

Whilst visiting a fortune teller last week, she told me that a huge amount of cash was coming my way. Imagine my surprise when the following day, as I crossed the High Street, I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Spooky or what?

Many years ago, I met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well."

Joke of the week: This bloke phones his wife and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says I might have to have it amputated.” Wife: “Who’s Sharon?”

Having been pulled over by the law on the M67 last week, I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket and three points, by telling the policewoman that she looked absolutely gorgeous. My master plan went awry when I said, "And that's not just the drink talking either"!

The missus called my doctor's surgery for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist," we can't fit you in for at least two weeks." "But he could be dead by then!" "No problem," she replied. "If you let us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

When I eventually got there, the doctor told me that I had to lose some weight. I asked him, “How?”, he said “Don't eat anything fatty”. I said “Like what? Do you mean pies, chips, cakes, biscuits, that sort of thing?” He replied, “No..... just don't eat anything, Fatty”.

Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

Isn't it funny what some people say? I was on the bus yesterday and these two old ladies were talking about somebody who had just died suddenly over the previous weekend and one of the old ladies remarked "It's such a tragedy, because he had only just got his bus pass."

Thought for Thursday: A monkey with a typewriter will never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But it can make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.

Fascinating Fact: Fred Astaire's brother Stan invented the stairlift....

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!



Thursday, 13 March 2014

Oscar Pistorius Latest!




What with cricket bats, shots, stumps. I thought I was watching the Test Match Special on TV. But it was the Oscar Pistorius trial!   Apparently, a new witness has come forward saying they saw a sawn-off man with a shotgun.

Roses are red, violets are glorious,
Don't creep up, on Oscar Pistorius!

South African Police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.I reckon that he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving the nutter a mobility scooter!

Q) What do Oscar Pistorius & Man City have in common?

A) They both lost both legs and only managed four shots on target....


Sunday, 9 March 2014

Explanation of Marketing...



One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."


Well, here it is:


* You're a woman and you see a handsome fella at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.


* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a good-looking guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.


* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.


* You see a hunk at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.


* You're at a party and see a handsome bloke. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.


*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.


* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"


That's Facebook.


* You are at a party; this attractive older man sidles up to you and gropes your bum.

That's Max Clifford.

* You like it, but forty years later your solicitor tells you about 'No Win-No Fee' and you decide that you were offended and you instigate legal proceedings for compensation and you are awarded a settlement.


That's Great Britain folks!




You Got Mail...


This bloke received the following cryptic email from his neighbour: I am so sorry Dave. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you do. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies, together with my assurance that it’ll never happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, located his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second email came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

This morning, I contacted the Manchester Royal Infirmary to let them know that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I give my permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly informed me that this isn’t an option for a sprained ankle....

Consider me this: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. If you're a bear, your children are born the size of walnuts while you're sleeping and you wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. If you're a mother bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If they get out of line, you swat them too. If you're a bear, your partner expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. I think I once married a bear...

It may be due working in a stage environment, but last week I went to see the quack about my acute deafness. He gave me some medicine and told me to put two drops per day in my beer.
I've been doing it for a week now and I still haven't noticed any improvement whatsoever.

My nephew fell asleep at a house party we had, so for a laugh, like real adult men should always do, I shaved his eyebrows off and drew a moustache in felt tip pen. My sister went berserk when she looked in his pram.

As I placed half a Peri Peri chicken, along with some garlic roasted potatoes, cauliflower cheese and asparagus (wrapped in Parma ham) down on the kitchenette table in front of the missus last night, she looked at me with a big smile. "Are you feeling okay?" she chortled. "I've got to text the all girls and tell them about this!" "Get a move on then" I sez. "You're sitting in my seat."

Thought for Thursday: Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Don't let stress kill you! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com








Monday, 3 March 2014

Scotland Currency Overview...



Trainee Corpses Coffee....



A gaggle of old aged pensioners were sitting around talking about all their individual ailments at Costa Coffee. "My arms have got so weak, I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," declared Ethel. "Yes, I know," said Harold. "My cataracts are so chronic, I can't even see my coffee, I can’t smell anything either, because of my acute sinusitis." "I couldn't even mark an ‘X’ on polling day because my hands are so shaky," volunteered Mabel. "What? Speak up! Eh? I can't hear you, shouted Mildred!" "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said Albert, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me really disorientated!" exclaimed Fred. "I forget where I am and where I'm going," confessed Agnes. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced Nora as she slowly shook her head. All the others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your Blessings," said 98 year old Hilda cheerfully.... "Thank God that we can all still DRIVE.''

Having just watched my little puppy dog Alfie, chase his tail for ten minutes, I thought, "Wow! It’s really amazing how dogs are so very easily entertained." Then I realised I had stopped everything that I was doing, and just watched my dog chase his tail for the last ten minutes...

According to local radio, a family had been sitting upstairs in their Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world by the floods for four weeks. Yesterday, the Red Cross pulled up outside their house in a boat. "Thank God!" the husband shouted "Have you come to save us?" "No," came the reply "We're collecting donations for Syria."...

Consider me this: Whenever there is a homicide, the police always investigate the spouse first. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

I bought a new suit over the weekend and tried it on yesterday morning for the missus to see how it looked on me. She declared, "You look really fat in it." I asked her, "What? Is it the trousers? The waistcoat? The jacket?" "No, none of those," she said. "Well, what then?" I asked. "Daylight" she replied.

After the ‘Daylight’ incident, the wife and I had a massive row. "I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "When we got married I thought you were a brave man." "Yes," I replied, "and so did all my my mates!."

Fascinating Fact: Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Thought for Thursday: A wise man once said nothing, when asked if her dress makes her look fat...

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com