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Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Kids!


You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children.


All through the meal the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as

I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.


I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


                 

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

More Christmas Jokes!

  


I got in from a gig last night and there was a note on the fridge door, which read: 'I'm going to my mother's for Christmas - It's not working.' I opened the fridge and got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection!




We were on the High St yesterday and the missus asked me: "What have you got me for Krimbo?" I sez, "You see that big pink Mercedes Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies, "Yeah!" I sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same colour!"




According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-arsed bloke in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!




Granny always wraps her Christmas presents up months beforehand. Last year, she got me a lovely dog skeleton....




In Debenhams, a little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn,she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks,"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and an Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and sez, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She fakes it with Ken."




The solicitor sez: "I have good news and bad news."
The Managing Director replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer sez: "Your wife invested £10,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £20 million."
The Managing Director replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The solicitor answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary!."




THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyf called Joey, innit? He well fit ann does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!
                              

Monday, 22 December 2014

New Popcorn Turkey Recipe!



Here is a turkey recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing – imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED TURKEY
1 giant size turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup pre made stuffing mix
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the LOUD popping sounds.

When the turkey’s arse blows the oven door off it's hinges and the turkey flies across the room and hits the wall, then it is done

And you thought I couldn’t cook……..

       

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Top Turkey Tip!



BE CREATIVE OVER THE HOLIDAYS !!

Cut a lemon in half and place under the skin of the turkey before roasting, for a Christmas meal the family will still be talking about next year!

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Pirate Jokes, so they are...



A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."






Long John Silver goes to see the doctor, because he's worried that the moles on his back could be cancerous.

"Don't worry, it's all okay," says the Doctor "They're benign."

"Just count 'em again please, Doc," replied the Long John. "I reckon there be at least ten."


                   

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Old Christmas Cracker Jokes, so they are....

         
             

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. "Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It’s better than ‘Derek’."
–——————
Have you heard about Rudolph’s brother – Vladimir the brown nose reindeer – he could run as fast as the others but couldn’t stop as quick!
–——————
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don’t want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won’t tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really shag, I’ll have nothing left to live for."

—————–


When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and A shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

—————————


After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Oh, Even worse," she assured him, her voice laden with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself! You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."

John looked up and replied, "He’s a jerk! Piss on him!" "You did," Louise informed him. "And he immediately fired you."

"Well screw him and his whole board of directors," growled John. Louise quickly remarked, "John, I’m really glad you feel that way… because I did! You’re back to work on Monday."

————————-




This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. "No" says the man and goes on to explain why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favour". "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal humping, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. You’re a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughs the jolly fat gay bastard.


               

Herd of cows?

             
 



I was watching Countryfile on BBC1. They were artificially inseminating a herd of cows. Straight up, no bull! Anyway, it reminded me of this, so it did....

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,


"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says,


"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says Sam.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Sam says to the young man,


"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,


"Okay, why not?"


"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie,"but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered Sam."You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".


AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE E.U

                       

.

Monday, 15 December 2014

Merry Winterval Folks!

 




A staggering SIX times this month, my blind uncle has fallen out of the tree in his garden. Two or three times, he's fallen off his next-door neighbour's conservatory and twice he's got trapped under a van. Today, he got electrocuted whilst clambering a pylon, and the 40 thousand volts killed him immediately. This has caused me massive problems, with this unfortunate farrago occurring so near to Christmastide. Not only do I have to organise the funeral and wake, I must make every endevour to re-home his Guide Cat.....


A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."


Barmy Albert was so bladdered after his works Christmas footing last week. When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off his shoes, overcoat, shirt, trousers and underwear and as slowly as he could, crept upstairs very quietly, in order not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realised that he was on the bus!

Granny always buys and wraps my Christmas presents many months in advance. Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton.

Granny called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.
"Can I come in?" She asked, " Have you got a problem?" He replied, "I'm freezing cold, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have their heating on," she said to him.

A pantomime in aid of the charity, "Paranoid Schizophrenics" descended into chaos last night when somebody in the audience shouted out "He's behind you!"...

I’m rubbish at buying Christmas presents for the missus. I never get it right. But this year, I've conquered it. I found her secret wish list hidden in the kitchenette drawer.
Eggs.
Bacon.
Loaf.
Toilet Rolls.
Paracetomol..


At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click onwww.ComedianUK.com

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Captain Smithers....

 


In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called that witch doctor a twat!"

                       

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

They're Under Starters Orders.....


        

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.
"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"
                   

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Life in 2014 - in a nutshell

                            


• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Leaders are WORTHLESS !
I'm scared - Shitless *

                            

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Pinocchio,Snow White & Superman...

         

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place ," said a smug Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,

"How did you make out?""

" Came First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:


"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the fuck is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio....


         


Thursday, 20 November 2014

The Five Undeniable Facts...


                           


1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.



2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.



3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS!



4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband, who came home early.



5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Stella Artois, Heineken, Carlsberg or Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.



I ain't verified these two on Google, but they sound kosher…



You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from, and refuse to tell you where they're going.  Moreover, a recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....
                           
                                 

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Statistically Speaking....




You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Nick Clegg? If he listened to himself more often, he would talk less.

Apparently, Happy Harry Hooper was in Crown Court for allegedly raping a six foot tall Latvian lady of the night. Although Harry stands only 4'2" tall. The judge said, 'As I understand, the offence was committed in a standing position....Forgive me, but how did he reach?'...The lady said, 'He used a bucket, M'Lord.'....The judge replied, 'But surely, you could have kicked the bucket away?'.....She answered, 'He put the bucket on my head and swung from the handle.'


When I picked up the wife’s Ford Escort from the service station after an MOT inspection, I paid £75 by cheque. A few days later, I came home from work to find the missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment. “What’s wrong?” I asked, “if you don’t know, then I’m not gonna tell you” came the caustic reply. She had noticed the cheque stub, on which I had written ‘Escort Service’.



Last night, I was much annoyed by a mole that was digging up the garden, toward
the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside with the jet wash and
endeavoured to flush the errant mole out of its ginnel. As I began the task, I overheard my daughter, Nellie (17), saying, "There goes me Dad again, making fountains out of mole hills."


I visited my shrink yesterday. I told him: "I'm really not sure if I'm a man or a woman." He sez, "Okay, just drop your kecks down for me." I replied, "No way! ." He said, "Sorted! You're deffo a woman."

A man was driving home, after having left his office late. Ordinarily, that
wouldn’t have bothered him, but today was his first wedding anniversary. To add insult to injury, when he looked in his rear view mirror, what did he see? Flashing blue lights, a policeman was pulling him over for speeding. He explained to the copper why he was rushing home, to be with his wife on their first anniversary. Rather than let him off, the officer wrote out the ticket, handed it to him, and said, "Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"



No matter how hard Barmy Albert tries, any plant he has attempted to propagate seems to wither and die an excruciating death. But he never gives up hope. While Non-Stick Nora was visiting recently, she pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."





I phoned train enquiries and said "What is the use of having a train timetable, if
the trains are constantly late?" The laconic reply from the person at the other end of the phone was, "How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a timetable?"





Having a green thumb doesn’t necessarily mean you are a good gardener. You
could simply be a lousy painter; moreover, the tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower. So visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and lighten up! 

                               

Thursday, 13 November 2014

APHORISM: (“A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth”).


                

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.




2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.




3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.




4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.




5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.




6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?




7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.




8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?




9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.




10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.




11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.




12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - for example, it could be the right number.




13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.




14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.




15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.




16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.




17. Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?




18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.




19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.




20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.




21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.




And REMEMBER ....




"POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

                                          


Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Distasteful Jokes, so they are...

     


A famous showbiz celebrity once told me that " It is very rude to ask a female her age."  Wise words they were, from Stuart Hall.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It’s worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about se*x at that age."
"Curious about se*x?" replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her fu*cking appendix out!"

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fuc*king red mark on her forehead
.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don’t worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a co*ck like that."

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*it."

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and se*xy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!"

             

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Sherlock Holmes....


           
Mrs Hudson, the housekeeper, placed the silver tray of tea and fancies on the mahogany table, then left the sitting room and quietly closed the door behind her.

Sherlock Holmes gazed at Dr Watson and said: "Watson!" The good doctor replied, "Yes, Holmes." The great detective continued, "You left Baker Street last night at exactly 8-16 pm. You proceeded to the Britannia Inn on Market Place, where you consumed several tankards of ale, had an argument with the landlord, who promptly threw you out, onto the cobbles. You then staggered to a house of ill repute, behind Market Place, where you made love to a voluptuous Latvian whore for the princely sum of one guinea."

Watson was astounded and replied, "Good Gracious, Holmes, you're absolutely right! How did you know?"

Holmes replied, "I was with you, you daft twat!"


                         

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Aeronautical Quiz...

Checking your aeronautical knowledge. Aircraft Quiz: This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft.   However, the answer may surprise you . . ..




The Question:   "What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?"




               


I must admit that I got it wrong as well!

Monday, 27 October 2014

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes....






              
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...

" FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"


                       

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

The Vagina....

  


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to
The door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the
Lady "Do you have a vagina".
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
And he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She
Slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
Happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving
And concerned voice "Honeybunch, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in
Case this geezer shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey darling, I'm going to
Hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to
Answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with
It". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fella is standing there and asks the same
Question.
Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says......
The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my
Wife's' alone and start using yours ?


                       

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

AND THEN IT'S WINTER....



     
Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my soul mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is .. The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise .. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is .. my friends are retired and getting grey .. they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me .. but, I see the great change .. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant .. but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore .. it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will .. I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so .. now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last .. this I know, that when it's over on this earth .. it’s over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done .. things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not in your winter yet .. let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life .. so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember .. and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.
LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver "

LIVE HAPPY IN 2014! LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

FURTHER THOUGHTS: 

• Your kids are becoming you .. but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good .. Coming home is better!
• You forget names .. But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
• You realise you're never going to be really good at anything .. Especially golf.
• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch
• You tend to use more 4 letter words .. "what?".."when?".. ???
• Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .. 2 of which you will never wear.
• But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!


It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.!!!

                 

Madame Scintilla's Secateurs...

     






A famous TV personality once told me that it is very rude to ask any female her age.
Great advice that was from Stuart Hall...

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."


Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can make love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan !" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"


Three boys are bragging about their fathers. "My dad's an archer. He can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does" "Well, my dad's a soldier. He can fire his gun and be there before the bullet" "That's nothing" says the third boy. "My dad works for the local council. He finishes work at 5.00 and gets home at 3.45...."


A man walks into the street and hails a passing taxi. "Perfect timing" he tells the driver. "You're just like Frank" "Who ?" asks the cabbie. "Frank Fielding. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy" says the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, and was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. Change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man" " He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No-one could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him ?" "Oh, I never met Frank. I just married is f*cking widow"


I had a great business plan. I was going to build bungalows for dwarves. There was just one tiny flaw......


A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...


A few years ago, following Saddam Hussein's execution, the headline read "Tyrant Is Hanged" My old auntie Agnes was reading the Daily Mirror, looked at me and asked " Who's going to host Who Wants To Be a Millionaire now, then ?"  I remember that as though it was yesterday.  But I can't for the life of me remember where I was last night....


I was deliberating over buying a new digital radio, and asked the young salesman the country of origin. "I'll have to look on the box. Just a moment: I'll check" he said, disappearing into the store room. He came back a few minutes later and announced "Built in Antenna, sir"


An elderly scotsman is celebrating 94th birthday. For a laugh, his friends send a six foot blond "masseuse" to his house. "Hi. I'm here to offer super sex" she tells him in a sultry voice. After a little thought he replies "I'll have the soup, please"


Joe bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a birthday gift. The next year, he bought her nothing. "Don't I deserve a present ?" she moaned. "You haven't used the one I bought you last year...."

Latest acronym doing the rounds of our IT help desk staff refers to a waste-of-time call out to a hapless user. Such an event is referred to as a PICNIC. ( `Problem In Chair, Not In Computer...)


Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till. "Your girlfriend's gone in to labour early" a supervisor tells the worried young man. "A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she'll tell you what's happening" Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club instead. "How's everything going ?" he asks. "Oh, fine" says a cheery woman at the other end of the phone. "We've got eight out already !" "Eight !" wails Dave, who's already nervous enough about being a dad. "Yep," says the lady "And the last one was a duck..."


During a service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first respondent "What is your need ?" "I need help with my hearing" the man answers. The preacher sticks his finger in the man's ear and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the man "It's not till next Tuesday..."


   



www.comedian.ws

Friday, 17 October 2014

This Could Make Your Day!



Look carefully in each picture for the cat as it makes its way down from the roof to the dog. Then, check the explanation at the end.






The story behind this picture is this:
Every day - at the same time - she waits for him. Sometimes she barks to call him. He comes; they rub and greet each other and they go for a walk. They have done this for 5 years and no, they don't belong to the same owners.

The owners didn't know, until neighbours, seeing them together so frequently, commented to the cat's owner, who then followed the dog home and discovered it was a distance away, not in a house close by or next door.

How it started no one knows. Wouldn't it be great to have friends like this? Always there, no words needed, they just intuitively recognise the value of each other in their lives and act accordingly.

Live, Laugh, Love … Life is not the way it's supposed to be.
It's the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.


A wise person once said ...There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad and focus on the good.  So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.

Balanced Journalism?


                                             

A British Harley biker on holiday is visiting the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage. Suddenly, a lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank
him endlessly.

A reporter, also on holiday from the UK has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider, says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and did the right thing.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a UKIP supporter.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up most of the media's approach to the news these days.


                                         

A young man graduated from University of Sheffield with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper which hired him was to write a human interest story.

Being from Sheffield, he went back to the Pennines to do his research. He went to an old farmer’s house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yup! One time one of me neighbour’s sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all back-scuttled it and took it back home."

"I can’t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time me neighbour’s daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that time and found her. After we all back-scuttled her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can’t print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly and said, "I got lost once…"