Sherlock Holmes....

Holmes: "Watson. I’ve just looked in my opiates cabinet and I’ve run out of skunkweed, cocaine and amphetamines!"
Dr Watson: "No shit, Sherlock?"

Mrs Hudson, the housekeeper, placed the silver tray of tea and fancies on the mahogany table, then left the sitting room and quietly closed the door behind her.

Sherlock Holmes gazed at Dr Watson and said: "Watson!" The good doctor replied, "Yes, Holmes." The great detective continued, "You left Baker Street last night at exactly 8-16 pm. You proceeded to the Britannia Inn on Market Place, where you consumed several tankards of ale, had an argument with the landlord, who promptly threw you out, onto the cobbles. You then staggered to a house of ill repute, behind Market Place, where you made love to a voluptuous Latvian whore for the princely sum of one guinea."

Watson was astounded and replied, "Good Gracious, Holmes, you're absolutely right! How did you know?"

Holmes replied, "I was with you, you daft twat!"