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Tuesday 21 October 2014

Madame Scintilla's Secateurs...


A famous TV personality once told me that it is very rude to ask any female her age.
Great advice that was from Stuart Hall...

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

Eighty five year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can make love to me tonight" An elderly man shouts from the back of the room "A caravan !" Bessie thinks for a minute and says "Close enough!"

Three boys are bragging about their fathers. "My dad's an archer. He can shoot an arrow and reach the target before the arrow does" "Well, my dad's a soldier. He can fire his gun and be there before the bullet" "That's nothing" says the third boy. "My dad works for the local council. He finishes work at 5.00 and gets home at 3.45...."

A man walks into the street and hails a passing taxi. "Perfect timing" he tells the driver. "You're just like Frank" "Who ?" asks the cabbie. "Frank Fielding. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a guy" says the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, and was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. Change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man" " He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes polished. He was the perfect man. No-one could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him ?" "Oh, I never met Frank. I just married is f*cking widow"

I had a great business plan. I was going to build bungalows for dwarves. There was just one tiny flaw......

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

A few years ago, following Saddam Hussein's execution, the headline read "Tyrant Is Hanged" My old auntie Agnes was reading the Daily Mirror, looked at me and asked " Who's going to host Who Wants To Be a Millionaire now, then ?"  I remember that as though it was yesterday.  But I can't for the life of me remember where I was last night....

I was deliberating over buying a new digital radio, and asked the young salesman the country of origin. "I'll have to look on the box. Just a moment: I'll check" he said, disappearing into the store room. He came back a few minutes later and announced "Built in Antenna, sir"

An elderly scotsman is celebrating 94th birthday. For a laugh, his friends send a six foot blond "masseuse" to his house. "Hi. I'm here to offer super sex" she tells him in a sultry voice. After a little thought he replies "I'll have the soup, please"

Joe bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a birthday gift. The next year, he bought her nothing. "Don't I deserve a present ?" she moaned. "You haven't used the one I bought you last year...."

Latest acronym doing the rounds of our IT help desk staff refers to a waste-of-time call out to a hapless user. Such an event is referred to as a PICNIC. ( `Problem In Chair, Not In Computer...)

Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till. "Your girlfriend's gone in to labour early" a supervisor tells the worried young man. "A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she'll tell you what's happening" Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club instead. "How's everything going ?" he asks. "Oh, fine" says a cheery woman at the other end of the phone. "We've got eight out already !" "Eight !" wails Dave, who's already nervous enough about being a dad. "Yep," says the lady "And the last one was a duck..."

During a service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. "Brother" he says to the first respondent "What is your need ?" "I need help with my hearing" the man answers. The preacher sticks his finger in the man's ear and prays. "How's your hearing now?" he asks. "I don't know" says the man "It's not till next Tuesday..."

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