Distasteful Jokes, so they are...

     

A famous showbiz celebrity once told me that " It is very rude to ask a female her age."  Wise words they were, from Stuart Hall.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It’s worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about se*x at that age."
"Curious about se*x?" replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her fu*cking appendix out!"

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fuc*king red mark on her forehead
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don’t worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a co*ck like that."

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*it."

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and se*xy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why, she said, "Because I’m trying to examine you!"