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Tuesday 18 November 2014

Statistically Speaking....

You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Nick Clegg? If he listened to himself more often, he would talk less.

Apparently, Happy Harry Hooper was in Crown Court for allegedly raping a six foot tall Latvian lady of the night. Although Harry stands only 4'2" tall. The judge said, 'As I understand, the offence was committed in a standing position....Forgive me, but how did he reach?'...The lady said, 'He used a bucket, M'Lord.'....The judge replied, 'But surely, you could have kicked the bucket away?'.....She answered, 'He put the bucket on my head and swung from the handle.'

When I picked up the wife’s Ford Escort from the service station after an MOT inspection, I paid £75 by cheque. A few days later, I came home from work to find the missus (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment. “What’s wrong?” I asked, “if you don’t know, then I’m not gonna tell you” came the caustic reply. She had noticed the cheque stub, on which I had written ‘Escort Service’.

Last night, I was much annoyed by a mole that was digging up the garden, toward
the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside with the jet wash and
endeavoured to flush the errant mole out of its ginnel. As I began the task, I overheard my daughter, Nellie (17), saying, "There goes me Dad again, making fountains out of mole hills."

I visited my shrink yesterday. I told him: "I'm really not sure if I'm a man or a woman." He sez, "Okay, just drop your kecks down for me." I replied, "No way! ." He said, "Sorted! You're deffo a woman."

A man was driving home, after having left his office late. Ordinarily, that
wouldn’t have bothered him, but today was his first wedding anniversary. To add insult to injury, when he looked in his rear view mirror, what did he see? Flashing blue lights, a policeman was pulling him over for speeding. He explained to the copper why he was rushing home, to be with his wife on their first anniversary. Rather than let him off, the officer wrote out the ticket, handed it to him, and said, "Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"

No matter how hard Barmy Albert tries, any plant he has attempted to propagate seems to wither and die an excruciating death. But he never gives up hope. While Non-Stick Nora was visiting recently, she pointed to a line of new plants placed by the kitchen window. "Look," she whispered, "death row."

I phoned train enquiries and said "What is the use of having a train timetable, if
the trains are constantly late?" The laconic reply from the person at the other end of the phone was, "How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a timetable?"

Having a green thumb doesn’t necessarily mean you are a good gardener. You
could simply be a lousy painter; moreover, the tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower. So visit my website and lighten up! 


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