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Wednesday, 24 December 2014
More Christmas Jokes!
I got in from a gig last night and there was a note on the fridge door, which read: 'I'm going to my mother's for Christmas - It's not working.' I opened the fridge and got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection!
We were on the High St yesterday and the missus asked me: "What have you got me for Krimbo?" I sez, "You see that big pink Mercedes Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies, "Yeah!" I sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same colour!"
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-arsed bloke in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!
Granny always wraps her Christmas presents up months beforehand. Last year, she got me a lovely dog skeleton....
In Debenhams, a little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn,she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks,"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and an Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and sez, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She fakes it with Ken."
The solicitor sez: "I have good news and bad news."
The Managing Director replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer sez: "Your wife invested £10,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £20 million."
The Managing Director replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The solicitor answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary!."
THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyf called Joey, innit? He well fit ann does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!