I did an unusual gig last week. It was a comedy night for deaf folk. The format was that I go onstage, and all my act is translated by a visual sign language interpreter who stands alongside me and virtually delivers my jokes to the audience using hand signs. For the first few minutes, it wasn’t getting much response; however, after about three jokes, they were all chortling their socks off, and I eventually received a standing ovation. After the show, I confided in the interpreter that I was worried at first, but the whole audience broke into howls of laughter after the first few gags. With all the decorum that he could rally, he confessed that because my first three or four jokes died a death, he started doing his own material after that!
The atmosphere was most sombre when Non-Stick Nora asked the doctor how the patient was faring. The physician informed her, "Well, he's had a massive heart attack, and also sustained several bone fractures." Nora opined: "Can I talk to him?" The doctor sez: "No, unfortunately, that's not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along." Nora replied: "Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?"
The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove they are not robots. Who’d a thowt it!
I started whispering at home, and my wife asked why. I told her I didn't want Mark Zuckerberg to hear us. I laughed, my wife laughed, Alexa laughed, and Siri laughed.
Many moons ago, when Barmy Albert worked on a farm, his wife got fed up with him and ended the relationship. As a tractor driver, he was most upset when he received a John Deere letter from her. Following an acrimonious divorce, which cost him his house and all his savings, he developed a massive hatred for lawyers. Years later, as a truck driver, he was driving along when he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up. The priest clambered into the passenger seat, and Albert continued driving. Suddenly, he spotted the lawyer who handled his ex-wife's matrimonial affairs jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought. Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. Barmy Albert pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard a satisfying "Thud!" "Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" Albert asked, pretending to wake up suddenly. "No, you missed him," exclaimed the priest. "But don’t worry, I got him with the door."
Apparently, Happy Mondays’ Shaun Ryder thinks the world is a human zoo and that we are taking part in an alien experiment. Look, it could be true. I visited Norfolk last week.
Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of stuff that it’s not prepared to do anymore. However, one must remain positive with regard to this unfortunate situation. Yesterday, I inadvertently fell down the stairs, and instead of becoming frustrated, I said to myself: “Gee Whizz! That’s the fastest I’ve moved in decades!”
Breaking News: A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. Police said that the road will be closed for about five minutes!
Fascinating Fact: Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Push a man into a volcano and the Sun God will ensure a bountiful harvest this season…
