What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

                                            

NCP didn’t want to go into administration, but unfortunately, the Official Receiver's Office had already issued the ticket. Karma eh!

I just spotted young Willy Eckerslyke going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers, and rabbit's feet. I thought to myself, "He's really pushing his luck!"

After his haircut is finished, Barmy Albert is asked by the barber: “Hair gel, sir?” He replies, “No, no, don't bother. If I smell like that, Non-Stick Nora will think I've been to visit a massage parlour.” Tommy Grabknuckle sez: “You can go ahead and put some hair gel on me—my missus doesn't know what a massage parlour smells like!”

There’s a new cafeteria opened on Scropton Street, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. I grabbed a table and waited for a waitress. But the only one I can see seemed rather nonchalant and somewhat aloof. When she finally sauntered by, I ask, "Can I have a shufty at the menu, please?" Only then does she look at me with a forlorn frown and exclaims, "That’s a private matter. The men I please are none of your business!" Am I existing in an abstract parallel universe?

Showbiz Gossip: John Travolta claims to have been visited by the ghost of Olivia Newton-John. He said she was singing, "You're the one that I haunt."

Fascinating Fact: With all the current kerfuffle in the Middle East, I was really chuffed yesterday when I got a full tank of petrol for £70. Admittedly, it was for the lawnmower, but hey, ho!

 

Barmy Albert staggers home paralytic drunk once again, from darts and dominoes night at The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and rather than arguing, Non-Stick Nora decides to adopt some reverse psychology on him. She wears a skimpy negligee, sits him in an armchair, and gives him a neck and temple massage. Then, she whispers seductively, “It’s getting late, big boy. Why don’t we both go upstairs to bed?” Barmy Albert slurs: “We might as well, because I’m gonna be in big trouble when I get back home anyway!”

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was asked: “Do you still call your wife ‘Honey’ or ‘Darling’ at your age, and if you do, then what’s the secret?” Tommy replied: “It’s been many years now. I’ve forgotten her name and I’m too afraid to ask her now!” Well, her name is Elsie Grabknuckle, and she preserves endangered species. You should taste her panda jam. It’s delicious!

I’ve often wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they don’t know the words…

The missus isn’t speaking to me because apparently, I ruined her birthday. Quite how she has reached this absurd conclusion is totally beyond my comprehension, primarily because I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

Some visitors at the Manchester Museum were marvelling at the dinosaur bones and asked the guard how old the dinosaur bones were. The guard informed them that they were 72 million, three years and 6 months old. The visitor sez: “That’s an awfully exact number. How can you ascertain their age so precisely?” The guard replied: “Well, the dinosaur bones were 72 million years old when I started working here, and that was three and a half years ago….”

Breaking News: A wedding photographer was tragically crushed by a 300lb wheel of cheese that accidentally fell off the catering truck. Apparently, all the guests tried to warn him.

THURSDAY QUIZ:

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels. (If they nicked your chips, they’d be chip Bagels!)



Q) What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his mother-in-law?

A) Nothing. He was Gladiator…

                                   

One smart fellow, he felt smart....

                           

The first repatriation flight out of Dubai has landed at Luton Airport. “It was the scariest thing I’ve ever been through”, said one passenger who’d never seen Luton before.

I’m really worried about my pet parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on. Oh, how I hate my life." The missus is far too selfish to notice. Plus, she’s always busy sobbing her eyes out.

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has relinquished the lease on East Lodge, in addition to Royal Lodge and North Lodge. Should any more revelations become public, King Charles has promised him Travelodge.

A leg of lamb in Tesco has more security than our borders. Who’d a thowt it?

Barmy Albert visited the barbers. As he’s cutting his hair, the barber asks; “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?” Albert duly shrugged and answered: “She’s fine.” Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?” Now he’s getting annoyed, but he replied: “I’ve told you twice already, she’s okay.” A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, Albert, how is your mother-in-law doing?” He finally snapped: “Dude, I already told you three times—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?” He chuckles and sez: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

Fascinating Fact: It took 20 years to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. Just over a week to replace Khamenei with Khamenei. Trump is very efficient

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle attended the hospital, where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back, where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs Grabknuckle is 83 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor calmly continued to scribble on his clipboard, and, without looking up, he exclaimed: "Yes, but does she still have the hiccups?"

                       

  

Non-Stick Nora discovered that there wasn't much in the pantry for dinner, so she decided to improvise. She made a Risotto with mushrooms she found growing in the backyard. Not only was it delicious, but shortly after eating this delicious dish, an Irish male voice choir of purple Elephants showed up and sang every song from Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell album, accompanied by a laser light show. Fascinating!

As I get older, I don't really sleep anymore. It's more of a doze between pee breaks.

Intrepid Investigative Reporter Chester Draws was compiling an article on the bushfires in the High Peak, and the smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good photographic shots. Hence, he frantically called his editor at the newspaper to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at Manchester Airport. As soon as he got to the airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said Chester, "and make three or four low-level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said Chester with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause, the pilot replied:  "Wait! You mean you're not the instructor?"    OOOPS!

                             

The One Finger Challenge....

                                                     

Last week, the Iranian Naval Command decided to inspect its fleet. They have hired a glass-bottom boat.

Grateful passengers on the Emirates repatriation flight from Dubai to Manchester last week were so happy to be back that they had a whip-round for the driver.

I did an unusual gig last week. It was a comedy night for deaf folk. The format was that I go onstage, and all my act is translated by a visual sign language interpreter who stands alongside me and virtually delivers my jokes to the audience using hand signs. For the first few minutes, it wasn’t getting much response; however, after about three jokes, they were all chortling their socks off, and I eventually received a standing ovation. After the show, I confided in the interpreter that I was worried at first, but the whole audience broke into howls of laughter after the first few gags. With all the decorum that he could rally, he confessed that because my first three or four jokes died a death, he started doing his own material after that!

                           

  

The atmosphere was most sombre when Non-Stick Nora asked the doctor how the patient was faring. The physician informed her, "Well, he's had a massive heart attack, and also sustained several bone fractures." Nora opined: "Can I talk to him?" The doctor sez: "No, unfortunately, that's not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along." Nora replied: "Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?"

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove they are not robots. Who’d a thowt it!

I started whispering at home, and my wife asked why. I told her I didn't want Mark Zuckerberg to hear us. I laughed, my wife laughed, Alexa laughed, and Siri laughed.

                               

  

Many moons ago, when Barmy Albert worked on a farm, his wife got fed up with him and ended the relationship. As a tractor driver, he was most upset when he received a John Deere letter from her. Following an acrimonious divorce, which cost him his house and all his savings, he developed a massive hatred for lawyers. Years later, as a truck driver, he was driving along when he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up. The priest clambered into the passenger seat, and Albert continued driving. Suddenly, he spotted the lawyer who handled his ex-wife's matrimonial affairs jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought. Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. Barmy Albert pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard a satisfying "Thud!" "Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" Albert asked, pretending to wake up suddenly. "No, you missed him," exclaimed the priest. "But don’t worry, I got him with the door."

Apparently, Happy Mondays’ Shaun Ryder thinks the world is a human zoo and that we are taking part in an alien experiment. Look, it could be true. I visited Norfolk last week.

Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of stuff that it’s not prepared to do anymore. However, one must remain positive with regard to this unfortunate situation. Yesterday, I inadvertently fell down the stairs, and instead of becoming frustrated, I said to myself: “Gee Whizz! That’s the fastest I’ve moved in decades!”

                                           

  

Breaking News: A lorry has shed its load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. Police said that the road will be closed for about five minutes!

Fascinating Fact: Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Push a man into a volcano and the Sun God will ensure a bountiful harvest this season…