The Singing Window Cleaner...

                                                        

I just had the police knock at my door; they said that they wanted to interview me. I don’t remember applying for a job. They asked where I was between 7 and 11. I told them that I was at Armitage Street Primary School. All this kerfuffle because the wife’s been missing for a fortnight, and the police called this morning, and they’ve told me to expect the worst. So, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…

To the person who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…

Barmy Albert was in the locker room of his golf club when a mobile phone on the table rang, and Albert engaged the hands-free speaker function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Albert: “Hello.” A woman answers: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” Albert: “Yes.” The woman continues: “I’m at the Trafford Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” Albert: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.” The woman replies, “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2026 models. I saw one I really liked.” Albert sez: “How much?” The woman sighed and told him: “£95,000.” Albert thinks for a moment and tells her: “Okay, but for that kinda money, I want it with all the bells and whistles.” The mysterious lady carries on: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000.” Albert sniffed and replied: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but you'd better offer £440K.” The woman is ecstatic and exclaims, “Right-Ho, I’ll see you later! I love you to the moon and back!” Albert sez: “Bye-bye, Gawjus. I love you, too.” Albert then hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he chortles and shouts, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle visits the doctor and says "Doctor, you need to help me; my brother thinks he's a chicken". The doctor advised: “Why don't you just have him committed to a lunatic asylum?” Elsie replied, "I would, but I need the eggs."

Does anyone know what tea they drink in Greece and Turkey? Every time I offer to make the missus a coffee, she tells me, “I’d rather have Aegean tea.”#

                                  

To the person who stole my glasses. I have contacts…

Fascinating Fact: I’ve only got two, maybe three good Motown puns left in me. Four tops.

I was asked if I wanted to join a Swingers club. I was a tad apprehensive because I haven’t been on a swing since I was 10 years old. For the last decade, I've definitely been on the slide though, albeit in a roundabout fashion. I spotted two policemen hiding underneath the see-saw. Apparently, they’d been tipped off!

Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No," he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."

Exercise and diet programme all–in-one! Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Hey Presto! - Aerobix!!

There was the most abominable racket outside yesterday. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was the window cleaner jumping up and down in a rage, whilst shouting, ranting and uttering a stream of Elizabethan expletives outside my house. I think he's lost his rag. He’s a singing window cleaner. His name is Chamois Davies Junior.

                                   

  

Chester Draws and the paraffin lamp...

I wager that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is definitely sweating now! After being arrested on his 66th birthday, he mistakenly assumed that the female police officer was a kissogram! The King has made arrangements for alternative accommodation for him. However, whether Wormwood Scrubs has adequate stable facilities, or they serve a smoked salmon and caviar hors-d'œuvre before one's main course, still remains unanswered. He also needed to know if a butler and valet would be appointed, and if it gets cold, will they put another bar on?
            

So, this unkempt, scruffy bloke saunters into Scropton Street Hardware Shop and asks the proprietor, Chester Draws, for a bottle of methylated spirits. Chester refuses to serve him and tells him in no uncertain terms: “I know your type! You’ll get the meths and take it outside and sit on my doorstep and drink it and make a right mess, and I’m the poor unfortunate mug who has to clean it all up! No. Get out. I’m not serving you!” The unkempt bloke is most upset by this tirade of abuse and tells Chester that he’s been to rehab and received counselling, and he’s on the straight and narrow now. He’s got his own bedsit that he plans to paint and decorate, and he only wants the methylated spirits to clean his brushes. Chester Draws is totally embarrassed by his incandescent outburst; he apologises profusely and gets a bottle of meths and sez to the guy: “I’m truly sorry for my comments. Here you are. That’ll be £2.64 please.” The scruffy geezer gazed at Chester with a saturnine grimace and asked: “Have you not got a cold one?”

"Do you really have to lick the knife?" a woman asked the man standing next to her. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit," he answered, laughing like a drain. "Lots of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes," she replied, "but not during surgery, doctor."

The missus curtly informed me that to have a tranquil home, we have to leave our problems at the door. Now she’s mad at me for locking her out! That’s when the fight started!

At Scropton Street High School, the sarcastic teacher asked the class: “If there are any total morons in the room, please stand up.” After a long pause, young Woody Eckerslyke rose to his feet. “Now then, young Woody. Why do you consider yourself to be a total moron?” With all the decorum that he could rally, Woody replied: “Well, I don’t. But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself!”

Non-Stick Nora was speeding in her little red Ford Focus when a blonde police officer pulled her over on the M67. The efficient policewoman asked Nora for her driving licence. Nora rummaged through her handbag and became quite agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The officer replied: “It’s oblong and has your photograph on it.” Nora discovered a small mirror in her handbag and duly handed it over. “Here it is.” She exclaimed. The blonde officer looked at it the mirror and sez: “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realise you were a police officer…”

                               

 

I very nearly got run over by a council salt-spreading lorry last night. I remonstrated by shouting: “You absolute idiot!” Albeit through gritted teeth.

A bloke who took British Airways to court because they mislaid his luggage has lost his case. Whereas, a neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine, wonderful & well, then there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get better or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about whatsoever. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet all your mates from The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife there, you'll feel very much at home, so why worry?

                                             

 

Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House....

                                             

In a nutshell, the 2026 Winter Olympic Games held in Milano Cortina consist of 16 different ways of sliding. Personally, I’d want it all gritting before I went down those perilous slopes.

When I was young, I always reckoned that only wealthy folk owned a Bose music system, whereas we skint members of society had Sony products. I now realise that they were just stereotypes….

My dietician advised me that I’m eating too much junk food, my dentist told me that I’m brushing my teeth incorrectly, and my personal trainer sez that I’m exercising wrong. However, when I went into the wine store to purchase a bottle of fine Argentinian Malbec, the sommelier geezer told me I’d made an excellent choice!

Valentine's Day! Got the missus a new bag and a matching belt. The Vacuum cleaner works fine now. While I’m talking about ladies' handbags, I went to the Trafford Centre and she asked me to hold it while she tried a new gansy on. When this occurs, what do us blokes do? Am I supposed to own it and strike a pose, or hold it at arm's length so everyone knows it’s not mine? Wife: Can you look in my handbag and bring me my purse? Every man ever brings the entire handbag.

Fascinating Fact: In middle age, the growth of a woman's hair on her legs slows down, which allows her more time to care for her newly acquired moustache.



Men often misinterpret exactly what women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, and us blokes should exercise extreme caution! Now read on: Non-Stick Nora phoned Barmy Albert the other day, and the conversation went thus:

Nora: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”

Albert; “What about it?”

Nora; “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”

Albert: “Right, I’ve done that”

Nora: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”

Albert: “I can see that, yeah.”

Nora: “Just behind him, two gladiators are having a sword fight with each other!”

Albert: “Okay, I see them.”

Nora: “Well, behind them two, on the left-hand side of the screen, a gladiator is guarding the gate holding a spear.”

Albert: “Yes! I can see him!”

Nora: Can you see his feet?

Albert: Yes, I can!

Nora: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

                           

 



Barmy Albert’s Ten-Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:

1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Always work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can. Many fine tools are there, it’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. Moreover, beer is in the fridge!

5. If it's technology or electronic, either get a new one or consult a twelve-year-old.

6. Stay simple-minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try switching it off, then turning it on again; or merely paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the Apple iPad while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, cursing, splattering, smashing, battering and throwing sometimes
does help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, that's the end of skydiving.

                                       

  

RIP John Virgo...

                                    

Mandelson has let Starmer down; he’s let the Labour Party down, but most of all, he’s let his trousers down. Meanwhile, Starmergeddon continues apace. However, it won’t be for much longer. He’ll be gone by the end of this week.

Young Woody and Willy Eckerslyke have just signed up for a 12-month course on making ladies hats. They reckon that this time next year, they’ll both be milliners.

Whoever named this month February must’ve also had summat to do with the word Wednesday. Maybe their name was Siobhan, and she lived in Cholmondeley or Featherstonehaugh? Moreover, whoever named dentures missed out on an opportunity to call them substhitooths

Breaking News: Yesterday, a security guard tasered a trainee at the Ann Summers branch in Bilbao for sorting the corsets by size. They suspect she was a Basque separatist.

Riddle me this: When will Nigel Farage explain to folk exactly how he’s going to fix Britain whilst employing most of the clowns who broke it in the first place?

I’m starting to think that I’ll never be old enough to know any better…

I had a bloke knock at my door and sez: “I’ve come to tune your piano.” I told him that I’ve never booked him to call. He replied: “I know you haven’t. Your neighbours did!”

I was languishing in my local pub, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when this young lady told me that if I went outside, she’d show me a good time. I followed her outside, and she ran 100 metres in 9.58 seconds!
                              

When men get drunk, they talk rubbish, become really emotional and like to fight for no apparent reason. I really must applaud women and take my hat off to them. They manage to do all that, without drinking!

Barmy Albert and Tommy Grabknuckle were out playing golf. Albert stood over his tee shot for what felt like forever — lining it up, squinting at the distance, licking his finger to check the wind, the full works. Eventually, his mate, old Tommy, snapped, “Oi! Are you playing golf or writing a flaming letter? Hit it!” Albert opined, “Non-Stick Nora is up there watching from the clubhouse. I want this one to be perfect.” Tommy shook his head in disbelief and replied: “Don’t be daft, mate — you’ll never hit her from here.”

When they got home, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert to nip to Tesco. Albert sez: "Sure, what do you need?" Nora declared, "We're all out of canned soup, and I want a cauliflower to go with the roast tonight. Oh, and can you drop into Curry's and confirm the delivery time on the new refrigerator?" "Yes, no problem. Anything else?" "Oh, and I need a reel of knicker elastic for the sewing I was going to do. The supermarket stuff is good enough. And while you're there, I need eggs for baking—oh, Birds Eye frozen peas. I want peas and cauliflower as well. Is all that okay?" "Yes, sure." "And," she added, "you're running low on those minty chlorophyll tablets for your bad breath. You'd better stop by the pharmacy." "Right," Albert replied: "So that's... Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."

Fascinating Fact: If you were born in the 50’s, raised in the 60’s and made it to 2026, then you’ve lived through eight different decades, two centuries, two different millenia and you’re not even 80 yet!

RIP John Virgo. One of our best men. There’ll never be another. Sleep well, my friend, until we meet again.