Scropton Street Wimmins Assoc....

                              

Get your head around this. The new Chief Constable of Merseyside has to find savings of £31 million. Meanwhile, Liverpool FC is buying a player for £125 million! The maths are easy. Draw your own conclusions about the state of our society. We’re all doomed!

A Police traffic officer was patrolling late at night around Stalybridge and Mottram. At almost midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in a cul-de-sac lane, with the interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer shufty. He observes a young bloke behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young lady in the rear seat, filing her nails. Somewhat perplexed by this unusual scenario, the efficient policeman walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The copper asks: "What are you up to, at this late hour?" The young fella sez: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the traffic cop asked: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the copper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a dark lane, and nothing is happening! The traffic cop asks: "How old are you, young man?" The young guy tells him, "I'm 21, sir." The policeman then asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man glances at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Not sure what they see in each other. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

                           

Are you skint and have to use the food bank, but worried the neighbours will see you with all those bags? Do what I do and wear a tuxedo and carry it back in a cello case.

At the Scropton Street Women's Association, Non-Stick Nora was conducting a seminar on female empowerment and how to coexist in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" Every woman raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't recollect. The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husbands - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the reply they received in response to their text message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest manner?

1 Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you ill or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you prang the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

                     

 

The Ghastly Starmergeddon Farrago....

                                

After listening to Starmer’s drivel at the Labour Conference in Liverpool last week, I’m thinking of contacting Spiderman and asking him how he gets by hanging on by a thread every single day…

Barmy Albert gets himself a side hustle working as a part-time receptionist for his local doctor's surgery. One afternoon, the doctor asks Albert: "Please keep an eye out for any patients who might come in, then you can leave at six like normal. I've got to rush out on an emergency." The following morning, the doctor asked Albert how he was doing. Albert tells him: "There were three patients. The first had a cough, so I gave him a cough mixture." The doctor nods and sez: "Good, good, and next?" Albert advises: "The second, he says he got an allergy to grass, so I give him an antihistamine. "Again, the doctor nods and asks: "And then?" Albert replies: "Well, the third, she was a woman. She comes in, completely disrobes all her clothes, climbs stark naked on the examination table, and tells me that she hasn't seen a man in over three years." "Gadzooks!" exclaims the doctor. "So what did you do?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Albert replies, "I did what any man would do. I put eyedrops in her eyes."

Fascinating Fact: I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

Non-Stick Nora was on the 237 bus and noticed that a handsome bloke was eyeing her up. She smiled at him and sez: “Hello.” He approached her and asked: “Can I be candid with you?” Nora replied: “Of course you can.” He told her: “Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you back to my place.” “Fantastic!” Nora replied: “Are you married?” He told her: “No. I’m a dentist.”

The missus was struggling to open a can of tuna. I asked her what the problem was. She opined, “Our can opener is broken.” I informed her: “So it’s actually a can’t opener!” She replied, “I can’t believe I married you!”

Further Fascinating Factoid: The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

                         

  

Chester Draws, the manager of Scropton Street Nursery, the local garden centre, overhears young Willy Eckerslyke, one of his staff members, advising a customer: “No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,” he says. “And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.” As the customer leaves, Chester saunters over to give young Willy a thorough scolding. ”Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,” he sez. “Whatever they want, we can always get it on order and deliver it to their home the following day. Do you understand?” Willy nods in agreement with him. “Anyway, what did he want?” asks the manager. Willy replied: “Rain.”

Yesterday was a sad day. The inventor of hard-boiled eggs, wrapped in pork sausage meat and coated in breadcrumbs, passed away earlier yesterday. RIP. Scott Chegg.

At this time of year, owls normally commence their courtship rituals; however, this has not happened this year due to the recent torrential rain. Apparently, it's too wet to woo.

Top Tip: Want to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex? Just stand on a railway platform, noting down train numbers.



Furthermore Fascinating Factoids: If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it's simply an O.