Another one of life's mysteries...

                                                      

Last night, I yanked out a couple of nose hairs, merely to ascertain if it would actually hurt. Judging by how fast the missus woke up screaming, I’m guessing the answer is YES!

I have good problem-solving skills, but my problem-creating skills are really where I excel.

How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your CV: "I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and no safety incidents."

Q) How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) None. They use gaslighting.



Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”

I hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

They reckon that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. I can partially agree with this statement, but WHICH people? Because it does matter immensely. What if they’re people like Kier Starmer? We’re all DOOMED!

I've just walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "This could be you one day!" So, I put the ten quid note back in my pocket just in case his prediction comes true!

                                 

Barmy Albert was standing at the base of a flagpole, looking skywards and perplexed, when Non-Stick Nora appeared and asked him what was troubling him. Albert told her that he was tasked with finding the exact height of the flagpole, but he didn’t have a suitable ladder. Nora took a spanner from her handbag, then loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked off. Albert shook his head and chortled: "Isn’t that a typical woman! I ask for the height and she gives me the length!"

                                              

A lost dog strays into the jungle. A lion spots him and thinks, “Hmm… never seen this creature before, but he looks edible.” The lion charges toward him. The dog panics, then notices some bones nearby. Thinking quickly, he shouts, “Wow, that was some good lion meat!” The lion freezes. “Whoa! This guy’s tougher than he looks. Better get out of here while I can.” Up in the tree, a monkey saw the whole thing and realized he could use it to his advantage. He told the lion the truth, hoping for a reward. The furious lion roared, “Get on my back, monkey! We’ll show this dog who’s boss.” As they approached, the dog saw them coming and shouted: “Where’s that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion over an hour ago!”
                     


Another one of life's mysteries is why there is always a shop at the airport selling luggage. What kind of person is going on holiday, carrying armfuls of clothes and shouting: “I’ll pack when I get there!”



My grandad told me that he saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that the ship would sink; however, nobody listened to him. He was a brave man. He did not throw the towel in, he warned them on copious occasions, but to no avail. He was thoroughly downcast when they chucked him out of the cinema.

                       

  

A Roman centurion walks into a bar....

                                                        

One evening, Barmy Albert was out in the garage tinkering with his tools, happily welding a flange just for fun. Non-stick Nora appeared and leaned against his workbench, silently observing his every move. After a long pause, she sez: “Honey, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you stop spending so much time out here. You could sell the welding kit, your silly fishing rods, the golf clubs you hardly ever use, and honestly, that ancient old Harley could go too.” Albert froze, staring at her like she’d just been bobbing for apples in a chip pan. “What’s wrong, Albert?” she asked demurely. “Just then,” Albert opined, “You sounded exactly like my ex-wife.” Nora’s eyes widened. “EX-WIFE?! You never told me that you’d been married before!” Albert shrugged and said, “I haven’t.”

                                     


Pretend you’re in Coronation Street by having a clandestine affair with your husband’s brother, then get a cream cake from Roy’s Rolls after being arrested by Weatherfield Police on trumped-up charges of harassment, finally getting released from custody and being shot with an illegal firearm on the Red Rec, getting knocked over outside The Rovers Return, by Steve McDonald in his taxi. Tracy Barlow blackmails you for £10K. Then, shout: “Tara me ducks!” every twenty minutes. Come back, Jack and Vera. All is forgiven!



                                                       

 


A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barman, confused, enquires: "Perhaps you meant to say martini?" The centurion replies, "If I wanted two drinks, I would have said so”.



Fascinating Fact: Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.



Olympic hammer throwers and shot putters. After retiring from athletics, put your skills to good use by becoming a baggage handler at Manchester Airport.

                                                      

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear? A: Open toad.



I remember years ago, telling my Mum I'd won the "Leslie Nielsen" Award at school. "What that?" she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that's not important right now".



I always regret never learning another language at school. My poor knowledge of Greek has always been my Achilles Elbow.



A bloke phoned my agency and asked me: “How much to hire a church singing group?” I replied: “You mean a Choir?” He sez: “Right! How much to acquire a church singing group?”



I signed up for one of those Zoom Workout Classes; however, it was far too advanced for me. When the instructor said, “Do a plank, then bring your knee to the opposite elbow.” I did my own modified version. I switched off the computer and went and made myself two bacon and egg butties in the kitchenette. I plan to ketchup later.
                                                          

The missus left me a note on the fridge. It read: “It’s not working, so I’ve gone to my mothers.” I opened the fridge, got a can of Stella and it was perfectly chilled! Moreover, it was printed on the side of the can: “Best drunk in August 2025.” I’d like to thank the beer company for this most prestigious award.



Meanwhile, in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, Sharon, the blonde barmaid, asked young Willy Eckerslyke if he had any children. Young Willy replied: “Yes. I have one that’s just under two.” Sharon was most offended. She sez: “I may be blonde, but I know how many one is!”

                                       


Conducting a survey, I asked six multi-millionaires what was the key to their success. They all said the same thing. “What are you doing in my house?”



I just hate it when someone rings my doorbell, because I have to drop whatever I’m doing and be really quiet and hide behind the settee, in case it’s the milkman who’s come for his money. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                           

The Toxic Algorithm Tour...

 

                 Featuring: Dom Collins - Austin Knight - Dusty Young.

                              Coming to a venue near you, whether you like it or not! 

Having a crossword with the missus..

                              

When I was a teenager, I could bleach my Wrangler jeans in the bath, develop film in a darkroom after I'd taken photos with an Instamatic camera, programme a VHS video recorder, repair audio cassette tapes with a pencil, get 78rpm vinyl LP's to stop skipping with a penny. Nowadays, I’m like: “I don’t get how to use this contactless tapping a credit card gubbins….


The missus sez: "You're so lazy! What have you got planned for the August Bank Holiday?" I replied, "I think I'll take the Christmas tree and the decorations down..." That’s when the fight started!

What is the difference between the missus and a crossword? You can normally work out where you went wrong with a crossword....

Willy Eckerslyke met a gorgeous woman in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife Pub and took her back to her council flat up Scropton Street back snicket. He was just about to disrobe and get more intimate when he hesitated. "What's wrong?" she asked. "We are on the first floor, aren't we?" "Yes. Why?" "I'm sure I've just seen someone walk past the window." "Well, it can't be my husband," she replied, "He's out playing basketball tonight."

Non-Stick Nora’s boss said something to her the other day, which made it impossible for her to go on working for him. He sez to her: “You’re fired!”

Last week, I inadvertently misinterpreted what the missus was endeavouring to convey. I made a terrible error. She requested that I take her to see ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’ Apparently, dropping her off on the Somalian coastline was not what she really anticipated. It's weird, isn't it, that most men spend the formative years of their lives wishing that women would chat to them, and the balance of their existence, wishing desperately that they would shut up. In fact, after twenty years of marriage, my wife suddenly wanted to swap places in our bed. I must confess, I’ve never seen this side of her before….

It’s quite amazing how life pans out. I fondly recollect my mother always telling me: “Work hard and save your money, until your bank account looks like a phone number.” I hope she’d be proud of me, because I just checked my balance and it’s £9.99 overdrawn.

For my birthday, the missus bought me a pack of ten underpants which were all the same colour. I protested: “Why all the same colour? People will think that I don’t change my undercrackers!” She looked at me with disdain and replied, “Which people?”

The wife texted me a selfie of herself in a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat. I texted back: “Nooo!” Unfortunately, my phone autocorrected it to: “Mooo!.” I’m dreading going home now…

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was clearly upset and close to tears when Non-Stick Nora encountered her in the Scropton Street Washerama and Laundrette. She blubbed to Nora that her friend Cynthia had sadly passed away. Nora asked Elsie if there was anything she could do to cheer her up. Elsie sniffled: “Tell me a joke.” Nora replied: “Knock-Knock!” Elsie asked: “Who’s there?” Nora sez: “Not Cynthia!”

                             

On a more personal note, I’m after someone to brush their teeth with me on a daily basis. Because, nine out of ten dentists reckon that brushing alone will not help tooth decay. No weirdos, please.

If you are Hungary, then maybe you should Russian to the kitchenette and Czech the fridge to see if there’s any Turkey in there. I found some, but it’s covered in Greece, and there’s Norway, I can scoff that, so I’m off to the Chinese Chippy.

Embrace your inner child. Run behind a bus to save money, laugh at Kier Starmers cronies, do cartwheels in your floral pantaloons, be angry at anything coloured magenta. Scream because oblongs fall in Tetris, tell the stranger in the checkout at Tesco that she looks like the ladies in daddy’s secret magazines. Have a head full of magic. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                      

It's What He Would Have Wanted....

                                  

At my advanced age, I tend to go to copious amounts of funerals. In my honest opinion, funerals are better than weddings, because there’s still a buffet, but you don’t have to take a present. I don’t like dancing, so I dislike attending weddings. Moreover, at a funeral, doing the Conga from the church to the graveside tends to be frowned upon for some reason. Always read the instructions on funeral invitations carefully, and avoid the terrible mistake I made. The words ‘sombre’ and ‘sombrero’ look very similar. Apologies once again.

 

How to pretend you’re in a daytime television advert about your own funeral:

1. Look about 55 and appear to be fit, fine, wonderful and well.

2. Be absolutely delighted about pre-planning your funeral.

3. Laugh like a drain with your wife and kids, who also seem to be revelling in the prospect of your eventual demise.

4. Dance around and crack open a magnum of Dom Perignon vintage champagne.

5. Give yourself a Parker pen and a carriage clock so that you can partake in the countdown to doomsday.

I

f you feel unwell, don't Google the symptoms. I’ve gone from having mild dehydration and a headache to being clinically dead two days ago - in just three clicks. It turns out that I have early onset rigor mortis, inflamed metatarsals and chronic Busman's Derriere Syndrome, which means that I can’t stand up or sit down which in turn exacerbate my palpitations, and I keep going bilious.

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the Scropton Street car boot sale yesterday, and Albert discovered a really old dusty Elvis record that he'd never come across before. The label said, 'Wooden Leg'. Nora asked the stall holder: "That's strange, I thought he sang ' Wooden Heart'? The lady running the stall replied," Yes, he did, but this is the Pirate version!"

“Oh my god” is my favourite expression primarily because if you remove any of the three words, it has the same exact meaning, just in a very different tone. Who’d a thowt it!

For his phsycology thesis, a student from Manchester Metropolitan University questioned a deeply troubled hospital patient, who had suffered an acute emotional trauma:  "How did you end up here? What was the nature of your circumstances?" He got this reply: "Well, it all started when I got married, and I reckon I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.  My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her. And so, my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my father's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now, can you understand why I’m having counselling in this place?"

                         

                                 

Remember the things that your mother used to say to you when you were a kid? I fondly recollect such gems as: “Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.” Another classic was: “If you go missing again, I’ll take you home!” However, the all-time winner must have been: “Have you seen the insides of your ears?” Halycon days indeed!

Some things are better left unsaid...

                                              

The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends," I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, ”I walked here." "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons, please."

Today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for folks like me who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.

Young Willy Eckerslyke goes to a lap-dancing club, and when his mother finds out, she is incandescent with rage. She asked him: “Now, tell me the truth, did you see anything there that you weren’t supposed to see?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “Yes, I saw Dad!”

Fascinating Fact: Studies at Manchester Metropolitan University show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I must confess that I didn't read the whole article.

Further Fascinating Facts: Coldplay have not had any singles out in ages, then suddenly they produce two in one night!

Dastardly Denis, the Landlord of my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, told me that he remembers going to bed late one night and he was just nodding off, when the phone rang. He answered it, and it was some drunk ringing from a payphone. He slurred: "Is that the Pitt Bull pub, up Scropton Street?, What time do you open tomorrow?" "Denis shouted: "We open at 12 noon, if you ring me up again at this unearthly hour, then you won't get in!" The drunk replied: "I don't wanna get in. I wanna get out!"

I must say that my hallucinations aren’t getting any better; in fact, I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I reckon that I've taken a tern for the wurst.

                                     

  

Barmy Albert gazed at Non-Stick Nora and declared to her: “I want you to have this bracelet. It’s very sentimental to me, it belonged to my grandmother. It was with her until the very end. She last wore it on her deathbed in the hospital. It was all so sad.” Nora asked him, “What does it say on the inscription?” Albert replied: “Do Not Resuscitate.”

I was in Aldi yesterday and I bought one of those George Formby grills. Not only does it cook hamburgers, but you can also use it to clean the windows.

Quiz of the week:

 Q) How would you say, Robert's terrier has run away, without using the letter ‘R’? 

A) Bob’s dogs bogged off!

I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend, and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?” I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him, I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and reported my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! The worst crisps that I ever tasted! I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday!

Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. No machine in existence can do the work of one extraordinary person.
                                                

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don’t realise this until after I’ve actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!