Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke !

                                           

 Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke — And Guess Who Just Showed Up With a Guitar?

Dick Van Dyke is more than a star — he’s a century-long symbol of joy, laughter, music, and timeless magic.
From The Dick Van Dyke Show to Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Diagnosis: Murder, his iconic smile and dazzling energy have brought light into millions of homes for generations.
But just when the world thought the celebration couldn’t get any better — in walked Robert Plant, rock legend of Led Zeppelin, with a tear in his eye and a tribute in his heart.
With one unexpected song, he brought the room to tears and reminded everyone: when legends meet, history sings.
This birthday didn’t just honor a man — it united two worlds of music in one unforgettable moment.

www.ComedianUK.com

That was the week that was!

                           

                                 

Caroline Aherne

Caroline Aherne was a rare talent — beautiful, sharp-witted, and endlessly creative.

With an IQ reportedly measured at 176, she was in the highest bracket of intelligence in the country. But it was her ability to connect with everyday life and people that made her truly special. Her characters were real, funny, and full of heart — and they struck a chord with audiences up and down the nation.

She first got noticed performing stand-up as Sister Mary Immaculate, a cheeky, cigarette-smoking nun. It was bold, clever and brilliantly satirical — and helped her gain attention on the Manchester comedy circuit. She also created other memorable characters like Mitzi Goldberg during this early period.
Caroline made a big impression on The Fast Show, playing a string of characters including the unforgettable weather presenter Poula Fisch, with her catchphrase “Scorchio!” Her comic timing and versatility made her a standout in a cast packed with talent.
But it was The Mrs Merton Show that turned her into a household name. As the sweet but cutting pensioner, she delivered some of British TV’s most iconic lines — including the legendary question to Debbie McGee: “So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?” It was sharp, unexpected, and had the nation in stitches.
Her most enduring legacy, though, is The Royle Family. Co-written with Craig Cash, and starring as Denise Royle, Caroline helped redefine the sitcom format. The show was beautifully observed, funny and moving in equal measure — and remains one of the most beloved comedies in British TV history.
Caroline’s work continues to inspire writers and comedians today. Her name lives on through the BBC’s Caroline Aherne Bursary, which supports emerging comedy talent — a fitting tribute to someone who gave so much to the industry.
Colleagues and friends often described her as “sharp as a tack but daft as a brush” — a true original who brought warmth, truth, and real humanity to everything she did.
Though she passed away in 2016, her humour and legacy are still felt to this day. A one-off. A genius. And deeply missed.

A preposterous posting!

                                   

The missus phoned me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her: "How did you know it was on its way to work?" That was two days ago and she's not talking to me!

Fascinating Fact: Pre- means before, and post means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

A Polish man goes to the optometrist for an eye test. The optician shows him a test card that says: CZWJXNYSACZ and asks: “Can you read that?” He replies: “Read it? He's my uncle!”

After 35 years of marriage, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went to consult a marriage guidance counsellor. When asked what the problem was, Nora launched into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on she ranted: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this to continue for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and, after asking Nora to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, with Albert watching - and raising an eyebrow. Nora then shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Albert and sez: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."


There are only two workers in the afternoon at Scropton Street Abattoir and they’re both chatting. Elsie Grabknuckle announces: “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.” Her work colleague, Willy Eckerslyke starts chortling and sez: “Never - you know he’s a frosty-faced old toad! How on earth would you do that?” Elsie grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks: “What on earth are you doing?” Elsie replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss sez: , “You’ve been working too hard, you’ve gone doo-lally. Go home, get some rest, and take the day off.” Willy Eckerslyke grabs his coat to follow her and the boss shouts: “Where do you think you’re going?” Willy replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark!”

                         

I was watching an Australian Master Chef episode, and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised - Australians normally boo meringue. Of course, in Scotland, you could go into a cakeshop and ask: “That cake in the window, is it an éclair or a meringue?” and the shop assistant would answer: “No. Your right. It’s an eclair.” I couldn’t drive to the cakeshop because the sign outside said: ‘No Parkin’. This bloke complained. He sez: “Why is that cake 50p, whereas the one next to it costs £1?” The assistant informed him: “Because that’s Madeira cake.”

I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They don’t make men of that calibre anymore. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and sez: “Plethora.” His wife told me, “Thank you. That means a lot.” Then, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, got up and uttered the word ‘Waterhole’. Tommy’s missus replied: “I know Hugh meant well.”

There was a spotty, precocious youth sitting on the back pew in the church at the funeral. He was talking loudly into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no flamin’ WiFi in this church.” When the priest approached him and proclaimed, "You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"



If you ever need me, I’m always just five missed calls and six unanswered text messages away. Or you can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                 

 

It's all about perspective....

                                      

I told my 28-year-old daughter Suzie that when I was her age, I used to get ten CDs in the mail for a penny. Unfortunately, she didn’t know what a CD was, what a penny was, what the mail was, or all of the above! We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school…



If I ever win the EuroMillions lottery, I pledge that nobody around me will be struggling financially, and I mean that sincerely. This is because I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.



54-year-old Chester Draws was set up on a blind date. His mate Dave sez: "She's a lovely lass, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby." Chester felt a total idiot walking into the pub wearing a just a nappy....

                                                                 

Question of the week: Of all the utensils invented to eat rice, how did two sticks win?



Ladies. Listen Up! Do you hate doing all the ironing? Here’s a top tip. If you write every letter of the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board, you will encourage ghosts to do all your ironing for you, while you’re out at bingo!



Barmy Albert took Non-Stick Nora to a packed restaurant - no seats were available, and to make matters worse, there was an hour waiting time. Quick as a flash, Nora pulled out her phone, held it to her ear, and shouted loudly: “Hey, get over here rapid! She’s here with someone else!” Six couples got up and left!
                                                

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night, they dropped me twice while carrying me to the taxi.

I’ve visited many places in my life and time, but I’ve never been to Cahoots. You cannot go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone else. Moreover, I’ve never been in Cognito either. I’ve been reliably informed that nobody recognises you in Cognito. I have, however, been in Sane. There is no airport and you must be driven there. I have made many trips….



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle and her husband Tommy return to the Mercedes dealership and discover that the same salesman had just sold the car that they were interested in to a young, voluptuous and leggy blonde woman. Tommy opined to the salesman that he was under the impression that he would hold the vehicle until they sorted out the £35k asking price, “Yet I just heard that you closed the deal for £30k to that lovely young lady over there, even though you insisted that there could be no discount whatsoever on this model.” Slightly embarrassed, the salesman told Tommy: “I’m very sorry, but the lady had the ready cash, and just look at her. How could I resist?” Just then, the gorgeous blonde approached the old folks and handed them the keys. She then sez: “There you go. I told you that I could get this Bozo to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa!” The moral of this story? Never mess with the elderly. They’re constantly ahead of the game!



I didn’t think I was chubby until the woman at McDonald's sez to me: “I’m sorry about your weight.”

                                         

The difference between men and women: When Non-Stick Nora stays out all night, she tells Barmy Albert that she slept over at her girlfriends house. Albert phones Nora’s five best pals, and none of them know anything about it. However, when Albert doesn’t come home one night, Nora phones Albert’s ten best mates and eight of them confirm that he has slept over, and two claim that he’s still there!



The next time you perpetuate a profound dislike for your present circumstances, remember that it’s all about perspective. I have a mate who reads about two or three books every day, has no financial worries whatsoever, he works out twice every day, and has folk around him who have a strong desire to jump into bed with him all the time. All this, and he constantly complains about how much he hates prison. Don’t be incarcerated within four walls. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and alleviate the monotony by having a chortle. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


 
                                                          

To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian...

                                           

Royal Mail has withdrawn the new Kier Starmer stamp because it wasn’t sticking to envelopes. After much investigation, it was discovered that folk are spitting on the wrong side!

Chancellor Rachel Reeves' impromptu tear-fest at PMQ’s in The Commons last week could have been avoided if only she hadn’t written her proposed £5bn welfare cuts on an onion.

                                           

 

I reckon that people who take ketamine should get off their high horse. To the naysayers, I say: To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian. You need to be in a stable relationship.

I’m absolutely flabbergasted! My local barber just got arrested for drug dealing. I've been a customer for years, and I can honestly say that I had no Idea he was a barber.

During a visit to his doctor, Barmy Albert asked the learned physician: "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be incarcerated in an old folks’ home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," sez Albert. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," he replied. "A normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

                                                 

Top 10 Signs You’ve hired the wrong geezer to mow Your lawn.

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Tesco carrier bag.

9. On the side of his mower, you notice the stencilled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

8. Stops frequently to take a nap inside the potting shed.

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

5. He’s fascinated by the details of your home security system.

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

3. Somehow manages to mow the bonnet ornament off your Mercedes.

2. Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.

1. No toes.

                                 

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had played golf every single day since her retirement 25 years ago. But one evening, she returned home looking unusually downcast. "That’s it," she told her husband, Tommy. "I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it lands." Tommy, who was a remarkable 93 years old, made her a comforting cup of tea and opined: "Why don’t you take me along and give it one more try?" Elsie sighed. "That’s no good," she replied. "You’re 93! What help could you possibly be?" Tommy straightened up proudly and said, "I may be 93, but my eyesight is perfect!" The next day, Elsie very reluctantly took Tommy to the golf course. She teed up, took a powerful swing, and squinted down the fairway. Turning to Tommy, she asked, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" Tommy replied confidently. "I told you, my eyesight is perfect." "Great!" said Elsie, feeling a surge of hope. "So, where did it go?" Tommy paused for a moment, then scratched his head."...I can’t remember."



Pretend that you’re Marty McFly time traveling to the Oasis gig in your Delorean by hurling your monthly wage packet down a sewer, while trying to listen to The Beatles with your ear to a wine glass that’s held against a fortress wall.



Parting is such sweet sorrow. I will be working abroad for a short spell. However, this column will return very soon. Crank up the BBQ and before you know it, we’ll be back to hilarity in Chortleville! Visit my Jokey-Bloggington on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest!