Happy Chrismask & a Lockdown New Year!

                                          

Get ready for 2022! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every single day by leaving the decorations and the tree up until next year!



What a flippin’ fiasco! The English Cricket Team have now officially beaten the Wuhan Street Markets in China as the worst use of a bat in history. Howzat?



What a fine start to the New Year! The missus curtly informed me that she was leaving me yesterday, because she couldn't handle my chronic OCD affliction any more. I said "Close the door fifteen times on your way out!" She bought me an ADHD 54” Plasma TV for Christmas, but I can’t watch it for very long. Roll on Easter, when there’ll be lots of pancakes under the bonfire!

                                      

What with all the different rules for England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland, it’s akin to having a weeing section in a public swimming pool, with lanes one and two closed!



Fascinating Fact: On their first night of marriage, when Zsa Zsa Gabor's 8th husband Frederick got up at 4 am for a wee, he woke her up and sez "will you mind my place."



I asked Barmy Albert why he had number ninety-two stencilled on his wheelie bin when he actually lives at number twenty-eight, He sez, "It's so the binmen will leave it near my house after they have emptied it."



Non Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were at the art gallery up Scropton St, Albert was gazing for inspiration and encountered a rather Rubenesque portrait of a naked woman, her modesty being covered by leaves. Nora continued on and left Albert staring at the magnificent portrait. He was transfixed. Nora shouted, "Albert! What are you waiting for?" Barmy Albert replied, "Autumn...."


                                      

I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!"



Don’t worry about what you eat between Christmas and New Year. Worry about what you eat between New Year and Christmas. I have an overactive knife and fork!

In 2022, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers.

 

                                    

The Christmas Presence.....

 

                                              

At the school Nativity, all the kids were singing “We Three Kings of Variant are.” And the Three Kings brought gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Omnicrom. The reindeers were renamed Pfizer and Booster.

 

Ladies! Listen up! Please refrain from asking Santa for the perfect man. There have been six kidnap attempts on me yesterday alone!



In January 2022, we will enter Tier 12. You must not consume sherry trifle; however you are permitted to scoff a packet of Victory V lozenges. You cannot speak to anyone with any common sense, especially if they have the letters P or H in their name. If you have a hamster named Eric, then you can take it for a walk in between 10-30 am and 12 noon only. We will beat this, but need to stick together and follow the science. 2021. Where did that year go? Probably nowhere, like me!


                                                           

   
The French increase UK restrictions on entry from last week. However, you can still leave freely on a dingy to the UK though. So illegal immigration won’t be affected by Omnicrom.



I asked the missus what she’d like for Christmas and she sez: “Channel No 5”, so I’ve retuned the Freeview box. She also told me that I could get her anything from The Body Shop, so I’ve got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt when she opens it on Christmas morning, it’ll be the wrong colour...



Cabinet Secretary Simon Case has been removed from the inquiry into gatherings in Government departments. Two Christmas parties were held in Mr Case’s own department – the Cabinet Office – in December 2020, this was at a time when restrictions were in place and the public faced challenging measures to prevent social mixing. Why doesn’t Boris get someone like me who is in the entertainment industry to investigate your party, because it’s looking like we are the only ones who didn’t have a party of any description whatsoever! The clue is in the name. Conservative PARTY! North Shropshire has spoken! Taxi for Boris!



Non Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert: "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," Albert chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes convertible sports car over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I've bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour."



Wow! It's been one year today since I decided I would lose four stone in weight, for a number of reasons the year has been difficult, lots of different Covid variants, lack of work, family problems, but I've never lost my resolve and with that mindset, I shall move forward and I only have five more stone to lose. It’s terrible when you get in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!

                                                 

I’ve committed yet another faux pas! Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn't the best response. Who’d a thowt it!



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle is known as The Binfluencer up Scropton Street, because she’s the one who puts her wheelie bin out first on collection day and the rest of the neighbours follow suit, safe in the knowledge that it’s the correct colour bin! 

 

                      

It's a cracker!

 

                                 

I feel that it my public duty to inform any folk that have been in contact with me in any way over the last seven days that I have had symptoms for a while now and it has just been confirmed. I have been diagnosed with being awesome, hilarious and completely off-the-wall. I'm told there is no cure as of yet for all three together.



A woman at last night’s gig told me that I was uncouth! I sez to her: “If I had a quid for every time that has been said to me, then I’d be considered quite sophisticated.



If any of my readers are unsure and confused with Boris’s Plan B, then this is it, in a nutshell. You must work from home if you can and then pop off to the nightclub with all your pals, after work. Moreover, you must wear a mask at all gatherings of over 500 people in attendance. I further recommend that you wear a blindfold as well to protect you from seeing what is really going on! You can all thank me later, folks.



It’s been widely reported that the Omicron variant has reached New York and if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere! Exercise extreme caution folks, because this virus has taken everything from me. It was just my bad fortune to catch the Liverpool variant.



At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.


                                                

Every Christmas we’d run downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as we could! Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best gifts but we would make up later and sit down and have a three hour dinner before watching telly for the rest of the day. I honestly do miss working at the Amazon Prime warehouse.



Barmy Albert took his Scouse neighbours kid to see Father Christmas at the Trafford Shopping Centre yesterday. He told me that it was really disappointing, because he was scruffy and stank of booze and cigarettes. He sez: “God knows what Santa thought of him.”



Meanwhile, at Manchester Airport: The Ryanair check-in lady asked me if anyone who I didn’t know had been anywhere near my case. I told her that I didn’t know anybody that I didn’t know.

                                  

Chromosomes explained (in a nutshell): XX is female. XY is male, whereas YYY is Delilah. Don’t admit that you were singing along!



The missus reckons that face masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable, one would only wear them on public and when you don’t wear one, everyone notices!


                               

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click on www.ComedianUK.com

 

                                                     

Have a Covid Krimbo!

                                      

You can tell it’s getting near to Christmastide, when the government announce that there’s a new Covid variant knocking about. This particular strain is called Omincrom, which I believe is named after Boris. It’s an anagram of moronic!



I intended to write a joke about the Omincrom variant, but 98% of folk won’t get it….



I bumped into old Elsie Grabknuckle in the Scropton Street pound shop and she appeared a tad chapfallen. She told me that her beloved husband Tommy had succumbed to the Omnicrom variant and had sadly passed away. I asked her how old he was. She sez “Eleventy Fixty Sore.” I replied “That’s no age at all, is it…”

                                             

Two turkeys were talking to each other. One sez “What do you think about all this Omnicrom variant that’s knocking about?” The other turkey replied, “I hope we don’t get culled before Christmas”



Last weekend, there was a bloke stood in my front garden. He was wearing a baseball cap, a rugby shirt, golf trousers, football boots and he was brandishing a snooker cue in a threatening manner. I shouted out of the upstairs window: “Oi! What’s your game then?”



The missus asked me “Where’s the remote?” I sez "Manchester City Football Club at the Etihad". She Replied "Whatcha talking about?". I sez "On top of the table, my darling!”  She asked me why I kept on yawning while she was talking to me. I told her I wasn’t yawning and that I was trying to say summat. She talks through her nose because her mouth is worn out!

                                               

                     

This happened last Wednesday and is important information for you to digest. Barmy Albert had his booster dose of the Pfiizer vaccine at the local centre, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got to hisScropton Street hovel, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or indeed be hospitalised. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination centre immediately and pick up his glasses.



Will I be drinking red wine on Christmas Day? You bet Shiraz I will!



My mate Sid has had his ID stolen! We just call him ‘S’ nowadays.

                                

I visited my doctor and told him that I keep thinking that I’m The Wizard of Oz. He asked me why I thought this. I sez: “Because, because, because, because!”



Non Stick Nora was sat all on her own in my local pub, The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife. Apparently it was her company Christmas ‘do’. I asked her where everybody else was. She replied, “I’m self-employed”





If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, get yourself home! Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get that tree up!