The Facebook Community Standards Farrago....

                                                  

Isn’t it strange that a UK fishing boat was detained by the French, yet they continue to miss the hundreds of dinghies that are floating across the channel on a regular basis!
                                     

As I become older, I learn much more every single day. For instance, did you know that you can buy a birthday cake, eat it all yourself and nobody checks up on you! Furthermore, you should never sit on the floor without a strategy of how you’re going to get up again.

Non Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were invited to a fancy dress party, up Scropton Street at the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Unfortunately, Nora came down with a terrible migraine and told Albert to go to the party alone. Being a devoted spouse he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some paracetamol and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. Nora, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since Albert did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted Barmy Albert cavorting around on the dance floor, canoodling with every nice woman he could, and copping a little grope here and a little snog there. Nora then sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted all his time to Nora who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a romantic tryst! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would make for his appalling behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never, ever have a good time when you're not there with me." "Did you dance much?" "You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Daft Eddie, Pete and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the vault and played darts all night. But you're not going to believe what happened to the bloke I loaned my costume to...."

I purchased some of those Cadburys Chocolate Animals. It sez on packet 'Do not consume if seal is broken' Well, I opened them and guess what!

                                   

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their groin when they’re enquiring where the lavvy is?

                                       

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that women spend more time wondering exactly what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking. Who’d a thowt it?



                                  

The human body is about 75% water. On that basis, I'm not fat, just flooded and a lot easier to see!



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Top of Form


               

Sauntering up Scropton Street....

                                        

I went up to the Ryanair check-in desk this morning. The girl asked: "Do you have any reservations?" I said: "Yes, but we're flying with you anyway." We flew alongside an Emirates plane, so we could watch their movie...

Non Stick Nora was in a mood because Barmy Albert was late coming home again from the darts night at Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, so she decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me”. Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, Albert comes home and she could hear him in the kitchenette before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote summat on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, it’s about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French negligence. I love you and can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left. She heard the Reliant Robin roar off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're out of beer, gone to Co-op, I’ll be back in ten minutes...”

                               

I must admit that I don’t like making plans for the day, primarily because then the word "premeditated" gets bandied around the courtroom.



Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Yeah right! Nice try, basket industry!



You know that tingly little feeling you get down your spine when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body...



Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like decorations....



Whilst sauntering up Scropton Street, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however,it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, I guarantee everyone will be saying it...

                                          

Barmy Albert walks into the street and hails a passing hackney carriage. "Perfect timing" he sez to the driver. "You're just like Tommy" "Who ?" asks the cabbie. "Tommy Grabknuckle. He's a man who did everything right, all the time. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis and played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera tenor, and you should have seen him dance." "Sounds like quite a bloke." replied the driver "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like aa Apple iPad. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, and was a gourmet cook. He could fix anything. Not like me. Change a fuse and the whole street is blacked out" "Wow, what a man!" "He knew how to treat a woman. His clothing was always immaculate, his shoes highly polished. He was the perfect geezer. No-one could ever measure up to him" "Amazing. How did you meet him ?" "Oh, I never met Tommy. I just married his f***ing widow"





Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
                      

Masks save lives!

                                                  

        

Barmy Albert reckons you should always wear a mask because it saves lives. Yesterday, he had a clandestine meeting with Elsie, the barmaid from The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and as they were sauntering up Scropton Street back snicket, he passed Non Stick Nora and she did not recognise him. Albert maintains that the mask really saved his life!



The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied.  "Well, what was it then?" she asked. Of course, I can’t begin to tell you how much I regret buying the flat above Lionel Ritchie.



My little puppy dog Alfie has been extremely naughty! He ate all the Scrabble tiles that were inadvertently left out on the floor from the night before. His next poo could spell disaster!



The news has everyone in a frenzy stating that we must buy Christmas prezzies and food now because there won't be anything left on the shelves come early December. When I was a kid, we were so poor that my mum used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper! Here's a novel idea. Maybe we shouldn't worry about the material things. Maybe we should just be grateful for the gift of family, friends, our health, a warm home (if you can afford the gas!), memories, the list of what we have to be grateful for that doesn't come with a price tag. Maybe this is a way of telling us it's time for a good old-fashioned Christmas with those around us who we need and to remember the ones we don’t have with us. If there’s another outbreak of Covid, then we could have six foot long Christmas crackers! We should also think of all the money that folk have saved on stamp duty, by not being able to afford a house!



I phoned SeaWorld aquarium at The Trafford Centre to buy tickets for next weekend. They said that the call may be recorded for training porpoises. They must think I’m Dr Doolittle!


                          

It just said on the telly that you should check on the elderly during the festive seaon. I’m normally up and about by the crack of noon. Bring beer and pork pies.



It all happened so suddenly! I was bereft. I felt that my life was empty and a barren existence on a bleak horizon beckoned. I felt alone, with a sense that I was isolated from all I know and loved, unable to express my inner most feelings, to share my thoughts, my needs, my…… No. Hang about. The Wi-Fi is up and working again now. Carry on folks!

Thursday Thought: If you can't learn to do summat really well, then learn to enjoy doing it badly.

I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what? 

                                 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

 

                               

Austin ~ The Agony Uncle....

 

                                                    

I’m now masquerading under the mantle of Agony Uncle. Send me particulars of your problem and I will address it in this weekly column. The first letter this week is:

Dear Austin, 

My son is growing plants in our greenhouse, he maintains that they are lettuce, I reckon it’s cannabis. What should I do? I’m extremely worried about this unfortunate situation. 

Dear Worried, Try some and if you’re still worried, it’ll definitely be lettuce!



The missus has been missing for well over a week now and the police called yesterday and told me to expect the worst. So I had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back...



I was staying at the Waldorf Hotel (So called because it is ‘walled off’ at the front!) I approached the concierge, I sez: “I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve forgotten what room I’m in”. He replied: “This is the lobby, sir...”



It really must be horrible if you worked at the Job Centre. Imagine, if you got the sack, you'd still have to show up the following day!



A baby snake looks at his dad and asks "Dad are we poisonous snakes?" His dad says “No son, why do you ask” The baby snake sez, "Cos I've just bit my tongue!"

                                              

Congratulations to my pal Tyson Fury on his defeat of Deontay Wilder and his retention of the WBC heavyweight title. I have a photograph of when I did a bit of boxing myself. If you turn it sideways, it looks like I’m stood up!



I walked into Scropton Street Bakery and complained to the manageress, "I've just bought a meat and potato pie from you, I took just one bite and three teeth fell out!" "Maybe you bit down a tad too hard?" she replied. I sez: "They're not my flamin’ teeth!”


                                                        

Fascinating Thoughts:

• Your kids are becoming you, but your grandchildren are perfect!
• Going out is good. Coming home is better!
• You forget names. But it's okay because other folk forgot they even knew you!
• You realise you're never going to be really good at anything. Especially golf.
• The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• You sleep better on the settee with the telly blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch
• You tend to use more 4 letter words: "What?" "When?"
• Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have three sizes of clothes in your wardrobe, two of which you will never wear again.
• But old is good in some things: old Songs, old movies and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
                                

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are.But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!