The Female Impersonator...

                         

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! A major blue chip company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a bloke leaning against a wall . The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fella looked at him and sez, "I make £400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now bugger off and don't come back.." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that wastrel did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


                                      

On a gig over the weekend, I met a female impersonator who lives in Standish. He has a Wigan address. Fancy that!



"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be

tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC So, evidently we've learnt nowt whatsoever over the past 2,067 years.



Any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles:

1) - Women.

2) - Fractions

                                             

Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and asks, "Nationality?" She sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."
                                                   

Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'



Hypothetically, if I was asked to take Swedish pop group ABBA out to lunch, then I would my friend, for Nando’s....
                                               

I've just been reading a rather poignant and very sad story about the decline of independent bookstores which used to found in towns all over the country. It was a really good read and I got it for only £1.99 on Amazon.



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung! Top of Form


                                                  

IS IT BETTER TO PURCHASE OR LEASE?

We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of
foolish men and cunning women.

Purchasing
The maths on the Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce was as follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he had sex with her every night during their 5 year relationship
It ended up with him purchasing her @ $26,849 per time.

This is Heather...

                         

Leasing
On the other hand,  New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's favorite hooker, Kristen,  Charged $4,000 per night.


This is Kristen...

So, had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years @ $4,000 per night,
He would have paid only $7.3 million in total for sex every night.
This represents a $41..7 million saving for Eliot.
What a shrewd man Eliot is, compared to the ageing Beatle.
Further valuable benefits of this Leasing option are;
* a (real) 22 year old
* no need for coaxing / pleading / begging
* never a headache
* happily agrees to all technical requests
* no complaining
* no “Honey - please do this” lists

Best of all, she leaves and returns when asked.
All at 1/7th the cost and no legal fees.

What does Heather think about this Purchase v Lease conundrum?... 

Where would you rather be?... 

Leasing just makes more sense.

THE OLD ADAGE STILL HOLDS TRUE.....

IF IT DRIVES, FLIES, FUCKS, OR FLOATS............RENT IT!

The British Summertime

                             

British summertime: Didn’t need to alter clocks last Sunday because I’m so lazy, I left them the time they were last October. Since then, we’ve been watching ITV + 1. I’m so lackadaisical I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm.


                                                 

Anyone who reckons that their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two bars of chocolate fall down at once from a vending machine. Marriage is just an alternative word for adopting a fully grown man, who can’t look after himself....



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”



My parents could only afford a second hand calculator, which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.


                                               

Breaking News: Liverpool have just turned down a £90 million sponsorship with a leading dog food manufacturer "WINALOT" for reasons that are obvious....



In the not too distant future, we’ll have autonomous vehicles that are electric so you can't hear them. If you get knocked down and drag yourself up in a bruised and bloodied state from the tarmacadam in order to remonstrate with the driver and there's nobody there, then has your imaginary childhood friend returned for revenge or should you have gone to Specsavers? I reckon we should be told.



I found a Timpson’s repair stub in an old jacket. It was dated 1982! I took it back to the shop and he went in the back and rummaged around for what seemed an eternity and then came out, covered in cobwebs and announced; "They'll be ready next Thursday." I'll get me hat & coat...


                                                                 

I am getting rid of my Status Quo collection you can have ‘Whatever You Want’. Morever, if you go to a music shop, do you need a Chopin Liszt? Let me know. I’ll be Bach in a minuet.



A letter has flooded in: Dear Austin, Why is that celebrities call their children after the place they were conceived? Yours faithfully, Mrs Behind-The-Sofa

                                     

I phoned Sport relief sixty times last Friday and Kylie never answered once!



11 years ago today I asked a certain woman out on a date, last night I asked her to marry me - she said 'no' both times.




                                                 

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!



                             

The New Parent....

                                   

I could swear I drove past Jamie Carragher on the M5 yesterday. Well, if it wasn't him, it was his spitting image!

                             

How to be a parent in 2018: Ensure that your children’s scholastic, impassioned, cerebral, intellectual, ethereal, somatic, and cordial requirements are met, while being careful not to over dynamise, underestimate, improperly medicate, helicopter, or neglect them in a screen free, processed foods free, plastic free, body positive, socially conscious, egalitarian, politically correct but also authoritative, nurturing, fostering of independence, gentle but not overly permissive, pesticide-free two-storey, multilingual home preferably in a cul-de-sac with a herb garden and 1.5 siblings spaced at least two years apart for proper development also don’t forget the lavender oil. How to be a parent in every generation before ours: Feed them sometimes....

                                 

Police investigating a £1 coin thrown at the directors box at a recent West Ham game have concluded that it was in fact, a takeover bid. Results: West Ham 1- Boiled Ham 2. Cowdenbeath 3 - Corned Beef 0. East Fife 5 - Forfor 4 (So far).

                                     

A blonde school teacher notices a little chubby boy in the playground standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘You okay?’ she sez. ‘Fine’ he replies. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she advises. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he retorts ‘Why?’ asks the teacher. The boy says: "Because I’m the fuckin’ goalkeeper!"



I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you meet her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well!"

                                 

What does it mean if you broke a mirror, whilst walking under a ladder with a horseshoe attached to a rabbits foot?



Riddle me this: Is there anything easier done than said? Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will choose a winner.


                                           

St Paddy's Day! Pat sez to Mick, "Where didya get that six-leaf clover?" Mick replies, "Our Seamus has thousands of 'em growing up in his loft, so he has!"
                                 

It's relatively easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while. Whereas, the other will see you later.

                                 

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the semi-jolly Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com


                                       

The Sexist....

                              

I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices ... my children are taken by social services
It's been snowing all night. So ....

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman to wear a burqa

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up.
9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the St demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
today!

                            

The Eureka Moment!

                                           

I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!


                                   

Little Nellie (aged 9) was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mummy,” she said. “Can we go home now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mum.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”


                                             

I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Hmmmm. Fascinating innit?

                                 

Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....
                                   

                                   

I saw a spiritualist medium last week. She told me that a huge amount of cash was coming my way. The very next day, I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Spooky or what?

                                     

I visited my doctor for my annual medical check-up. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm nearly sixty.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke Cuban cigars, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no," I replied. 'I'm virtually teetotal and have never smoked".  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much... they reckon that all red meat is very unhealthy" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I replied. He asked, "Do you gamble on horses, drive fast cars, or have lots of different sexual partners?" "Definitely not!”I sez.. He looked at me and declared: "Then, why do you give a fuck?"

                                       

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                                   

The Bird Expert....

                                      

Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that his jeans originated in Africa, many millions of years ago...Well he looked at the label when she left and it turns out they came from Taiwan in 2017. Fascinating!



"Waiter, this soup is cold!" "Actually sir, it's gazpacho." "Gazpacho - this soup is cold!"



I attended a memorabilia auction with Barmy Albert. I bought a hand signed Ronnie Corbett photograph and he bought a genuine autograph of Ronnie Barker. So it’s good buy from me and good buy from him! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!



A Vegan once told me that butchers who sell meat are disgraceful. I sez: “People who sell fruit and veg are grocer!”



Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere barperson cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”



Due to the inclement weather, schools are asking mums to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking kids up. Such is life...



                                 

I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!



When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....





Corns and bunion pain exacerbated with athletes foot malady? I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that the secret to lasting hair growth is to tell the world about this gloppy column and my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com all you have to do is tell your friends and family and your friends and families friends and family and then, do it all over again.