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Sunday, 11 March 2018

The Eureka Moment!


I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!


Little Nellie (aged 9) was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mummy,” she said. “Can we go home now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mum.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”


I asked the missus to describe me in five words. She sez I'm moral, I'm mature, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she also added that I possess a fundamental lack of understanding with regard to apostrophes and spaces. Hmmmm. Fascinating innit?


Just read an article in the newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born. They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life. The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....

I saw a spiritualist medium last week. She told me that a huge amount of cash was coming my way. The very next day, I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Spooky or what?


I visited my doctor for my annual medical check-up. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm nearly sixty.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke Cuban cigars, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no," I replied. 'I'm virtually teetotal and have never smoked".  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "Not much... they reckon that all red meat is very unhealthy" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I replied. He asked, "Do you gamble on horses, drive fast cars, or have lots of different sexual partners?" "Definitely not!”I sez.. He looked at me and declared: "Then, why do you give a fuck?"


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