The Drones....

                         

                                   
“So, let me get this straight - the drone you saw over Gatwick Airport was shaped like a sledge, being driven by a rotund, bearded chap in a red suit, being pulled by six what?"


I missed my old Nan at Christmas dinner, but I know she was there looking down on us. Bemoaning the fact that the stair lift was still broken...


                         

This year, I left my Christmas shopping far too late and ended up getting it all done at the local petrol station on Christmas Day morn. I thought the limited selection would leave me in an unfavourable position; however, it was quite the reverse. The missus squealed with delight when she opened her ‘L’ plates and ran over and gave me a massive hug! I don’t quite know why she went out to look on the driveway though. Moreover, I’m still quite perplexed why she asked for a red lamb bikini for Christmas. What’s one of them then?



Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?" Me: "Can't say I do." Therapist: "That's one of them."

                                                    

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced. This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.


                                     

I phoned a Radio Station, to enter their competition. The presenter sez: "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Grand Star Prize"..Me: "That's Fantastic!" The presenter "It's a Maths Question."
Me: I've got a degree in Mathematics from University," Presenter "to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Manchester United game and to meet the players" Presenter: "what is 2+2 ?"    "7", I replied....



It's just been announced that they're not making shortbread any longer.

                                      

Does anyone else stop their microwave one second before it finishes and pretend you have just defused a bomb, or is it just me?


                                          

Quote: “She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when’.” (P. G. Wodehouse, writer, 1881-1975)



Never, ever forget that time passes really quickly and you don't even notice it until it begins to show. So, use the best cutlery, go on that exotic holiday to Rhyl, eat that chocolate cake, watch Netfilx until 3am read the latest John Grisham novel and take a chance in life. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Barmy Albert told me that.


In 2019, remember those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Don’t fret about the present, either, coz I haven’t bought you one! There’s the gift that goes on giving though, namely my website: www.ComedianUK.com give it a visit and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!

                           

Brexit or Bust!

Best view on Brexit I've heard to date..
Aussie (ex PM) Tony Abbott sums it up beautifully!-----
(If it resonates and you feel others may like to contemplate its sentiment, copy and paste far and wide)

It’s pretty hard for Britain’s friends, here in Australia, to make sense of the mess that’s being made of Brexit. The referendum result was perhaps the biggest-ever vote of confidence in the United Kingdom, its past and its future. But the British establishment doesn’t seem to share that confidence and instead looks desperate to cut a deal, even if that means staying under the rule of Brussels. Looking at this from abroad, it’s baffling: the country that did the most to bring democracy into the modern world might yet throw away the chance to take charge of its own destiny.


Let’s get one thing straight: a negotiation that you’re not prepared to walk away from is not a negotiation — it’s surrender. It’s all give and no get. When David Cameron tried to renegotiate Britain’s EU membership, he was sent packing because Brussels judged (rightly) that he’d never actually back leaving. And since then, Brussels has made no real concessions to Theresa May because it judges (rightly, it seems) that she’s desperate for whatever deal she can get.


The EU’s palpable desire to punish Britain for leaving vindicates the Brexit project. Its position, now, is that there’s only one ‘deal’ on offer, whereby the UK retains all of the burdens of EU membership but with no say in setting the rules. The EU seems to think that Britain will go along with this because it’s terrified of no deal. Or, to put it another way, terrified of the prospect of its own independence.


But even after two years of fearmongering and vacillation, it’s not too late for robust leadership to deliver the Brexit that people voted for. It’s time for Britain to announce what it will do if the EU can’t make an acceptable offer by March 29 next year — and how it would handle no deal. Freed from EU rules, Britain would automatically revert to world trade, using rules agreed by the World Trade Organization. It works pretty well for Australia. So why on earth would it not work just as well for the world’s fifth-largest economy?


A world trade Brexit lets Britain set its own rules. It can say, right now, that it will not impose any tariff or quota on European produce and would recognise all EU product standards. That means no border controls for goods coming from Europe to Britain. You don’t need to negotiate this: just do it. If Europe knows what’s in its own best interests, it would fully reciprocate in order to maintain entirely free trade and full mutual recognition of standards right across Europe.


Next, the UK should declare that Europeans already living here should have the right to remain permanently — and, of course, become British citizens if they wish. This should be a unilateral offer. Again, you don’t need a deal. You don’t need Michel Barnier’s permission. If Europe knows what’s best for itself, it would likewise allow Britons to stay where they are.


Third, there should continue to be free movement of people from Europe into Britain — but with a few conditions. Only for work, not welfare. And with a foreign worker’s tax on the employer, to make sure anyone coming in would not be displacing British workers.


Fourth, no ‘divorce bill’ whatsoever should be paid to Brussels. The UK government would assume the EU’s property and liabilities in Britain, and the EU would assume Britain’s share of these in Europe. If Britain was getting its fair share, these would balance out; and if Britain wasn’t getting its fair share, it’s the EU that should be paying Britain.


Finally, there’s no need on Britain’s part for a hard border with Ireland. Britain wouldn’t be imposing tariffs on European goods, so there’s no money to collect. The UK has exactly the same product standards as the Republic, so let’s not pretend you need to check for problems we all know don’t exist. Some changes may be needed but technology allows for smart borders: there was never any need for a Cold War-style Checkpoint Charlie. Irish citizens, of course, have the right to live and work in the UK in an agreement that long predates EU membership.


Of course, the EU might not like this British leap for independence. It might hit out with tariffs and impose burdens on Britain as it does on the US — but WTO rules put a cap on any retaliatory action. The worst it can get? We’re talking levies of an average 4 or 5 per cent. Which would be more than offset by a post-Brexit devaluation of the pound (which would have the added bonus of making British goods more competitive everywhere).


UK officialdom assumes that a deal is vital, which is why so little thought has been put into how Britain might just walk away. Instead, officials have concocted lurid scenarios featuring runs on the pound, gridlock at ports, grounded aircraft, hoarding of medicines and flights of investment. It’s been the pre-referendum Project Fear campaign on steroids. And let’s not forget how employment, investment and economic growth ticked up after the referendum.


As a former prime minister of Australia and a lifelong friend of your country, I would say this: Britain has nothing to lose except the shackles that the EU imposes on it. After the courage shown by its citizens in the referendum, it would be a tragedy if political leaders go wobbly now. Britain’s future has always been global, rather than just with Europe. Like so many of Britain’s admirers, I want to see this great country seize this chance and make the most of it.


Tony Abbott served as Prime Minister of Australia from 2013 to 2015

Tis da season, dude....

                                         

Breaking News: Theresa May has confirmed that the United Kingdom will leave the EU as soon as the DFS Sale ends. You heard it here first folks!



A Viking named Rudolph the Red woke up one morning, he gazed out of the window, then declared: “It’s gonna be chuckin’ it down all day today!” His missus asked him: “But how do you know that?” He replied: “Coz, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear....”



I am thinking of starting a dating agency for old comedians. Going to call it Trinder.

                                                                         

My daughter just came running up to me; "daddy daddy! I've changed my mind. I don't want a bike for Christmas any more!" "Why not?" I asked. "Because I've just found one behind the wardrobe."



My pal James H Reeve sez: "I visited my Welsh doctor last week and after a thorough examination, he’s prescribed Prestatins for me...."


To see what's on the BBC this Christmastide, get yourself a copy of the Radio Times from 1976, or thereabouts.

                       

Ten Reasons Why Santa Is A Man:

1. No dress sense whatsoever.

2. Never replies to your letters.

3. The chances of getting what you ask for are zero.

4. Big beer belly.

5. Will only commit to one day a year.

6. Obsessed with stockings.

7. He never stops to ask for directions.

8. Too bone idle to shave.

9. He always wears the same outfit.

10. Only willing to do a job where people leave food and ale out for him and he doesn't wash the pots up afterwards.
                                                   

Wind up your relatives this Christmas, by sending them a heartfelt greetings card with a picture of your family that includes a child that nobody knows...



Opened a Christmas card yesterday and basmati rice went everywhere! It was from my Uncle Ben!



My Nan once told me, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away". I wonder if it's true, or yet another one of Granny's myths?

                                       

You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All through the meal the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.

I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."



If you see a fat man, who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,  and if he is chuckling and laughing away,while flying around in a miniature sleigh,With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, Then let's face it...You’re bladdered, gerroff home!Visit my Festive Jokey Blog! www.ComedianUK.com. Now, get carving that turkey!

                             

Christmas Gift Wrap...

                                         

Riddle me this: You have 78 Christmas prezzies. First, subtract your age. Then add 40. That is the year that you were born. Fascinating!



I got the missus some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so she'd know when to stop unwrapping.



I was given a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. The picture quality really was quite appalling. All that I could see was a little silhouette of a man....


                                         

BREAKING NEWS.......A Manchester cinema was robbed yesterday. Police are urging witnesses to come forward. Two masked gunmen escaped with an estimated total of £2,250 in goods. It’s believed the men have made off with four hot dogs, 2 medium Cokey-Cola’s, a family size popcorn and a bag of Nachos...



                                 

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, ‘Please send me a baby brother.’

Santa wrote back: 'Send me your mother...'





Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as News At Ten came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."



Top Christmas Tip: Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.


                           

BREAKING NEWS: Greater Manchester Police are investigating a new football betting scandal. Someone has put a £10 on a Man Utd win next weekend. Mourinho is planting carrots and spuds around the perimeter of the pitch at Old Trafford, so he'll have summat to pick up at the end of the season.



Two old caterpillars are nibbling on a dock leaf when all of a sudden a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Hey dude, you'd never get me up in one of those things”.





Yes folks, it’s nearly THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

                         

                               

The Dickensian Christmas....

                         

I don’t have an advent calendar, so I’m just opening random cupboard doors and scoffing anything that’s in there!

                             

Before Christmas, Britain needs to conduct another referendum. This time, on whether or not to ban sprouts.

                                                               

I spotted a sign offering a ‘Dickensian Christmas’. 6 am wake-up call. Then, feast on a bowl of salted gruel, followed by 18 hours hard labour in the workhouse. I’ve already booked the missus in!

                                           

Due to freezing temperatures, parents are advised to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking up their kids from school.

                                   

I was on the train chewing some Wrigleys Spearmint gum, when an old lady sat in the seat opposite curtly informed me: ."It's no use talking to me, dear. I'm as deaf as a post".



Q) What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A) A Labracadabrador

                                     

Non-Stick Nora comes running into the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and shouts to Barmy Albert."Albert! Some scallywag has just nicked your car off the car park." "Did you get a look at his face, Nora?" Nora replied: "No but I got the licence plate number!" Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity....



The missus sez to me "There's no such thing as problems, there are only opportunities." I replied, "That's brilliant! Because, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

                             

My American mate just said to me, "Have you ever hunted bear?" I said, "No, mate, but I went fishing once in just my socks".



Old Jokes Home: A balding old man walked into a jewellers shop, late on Friday evening with a drop-dead gawjus young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The man opined: “No, I'd like to see summat more special.” Upon hearing this, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000” the jeweller sez. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We'll take it!” ' The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated,”By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.” On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old bloke and sez “The cheque was returned due to insufficient funds in your account.” “Never mind all that gubbins!” shouted the old geezer, “Let me tell you about the FANTASTIC WEEKEND I just had!”


                                         

Coming home late from a gig through some very lonely, desolate tarmacadam infrastructure, with only Eddie Stobart for company, all of us go a tad doo-lally, whether from stage fright, or just the all-night drive, we become a contender in a scenario that no one else has ever experienced. Join me in this nightmare farrago by clicking on www.ComedianUK.com or email me at comedianuk@sky.com NOW, GET BACK TO WORK!

                                   

Some Very Interesting Predictions....

MOT & Garage repair business will go away.



A gasoline engine has 20,000 individual parts. An electrical motor has 20.


Electric cars are sold with lifetime guarantees and are only repaired by dealers. It takes only 10 minutes to remove and replace an electric motor. Faulty electric motors are not repaired in the dealership but are sent to a regional repair shopthat repairs them with robots. Your electric motor malfunction light goes on, so you drive up to what looks like a Jiffy-auto wash, and your car is towed through while you have a cup of coffee and out comes your car with a new electric motor!


Gas stations will go away.


Parking meters will be replaced by meters that dispense electricity.


Companies will install electrical recharging stations; in fact, they’ve already started. You can find them at select Dunkin Donuts locations.


Most (the smart) major auto manufacturers have already designated money to start building new plants that only build electric cars.


Coal industries will go away.


Gasoline/oil companies will go away.


Drilling for oil will stop.


So say goodbye to OPEC!


Homes will produce and store more electrical energy during the day and then they use and will sell it back to the grid. The grid stores it and dispenses it to industries that are high electricity users. Has anybody seen the Tesla roof?


A baby of today will only see personal cars in museums.


The FUTURE is approaching faster than most of us can handle.


In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt. Who would have thought of that ever happening? What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 5-10 years and, most people don't see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later, you would never take pictures on film again?


With today's smart phones, who even has a camera these days? Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen again (but much faster) with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.





Forget the book, Future Shock, welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.





Software has disrupted and will continue to disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.


UBER is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world!


Ask any taxi driver if they saw that coming.


Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties. Ask Hilton Hotels if they saw that coming.


Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world. This year, a computer beat the best Go-Player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.


In the USA, young lawyers already don't get jobs. Because of IBM's Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for right now, the basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So, if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, (what a thought!) only omniscient specialists will remain.


Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses.





Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans.





In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.





Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars are already here. In the next 2 years, the entire industry will start to be disrupted. You won't want to own a car anymore as you will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it. You will only pay for the driven distance and you can be productive while driving. The very young children of today will never get a driver's license and will never own a car.This will change our cities, because we will need 90-95% fewer cars. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.


1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide including distracted or drunk driving. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles; with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles. That will save a million lives plus worldwide each year.





Most traditional car companies will doubtless become bankrupt. Traditional car companies will try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.






Look at what Volvo is doing right now; no more internal combustions engines in their vehicles starting this year with the 2019 models, using all electric or hybrid only, with the intent of phasing out hybrid models.





Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; are completely terrified of Tesla and so they should be. Look at all the companies offering all electric vehicles. That was unheard of only a few years ago.


Insurance companies will have massive trouble because, without accidents, the costs will become cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.


Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move farther away to live in a more beautiful or affordable neighborhood.


Electric cars will become mainstream about 2030.


Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.


Cities will have much cleaner air as well. (Can we start in Los Angeles, please?)


Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean.


Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact. And itâ€TMs just getting ramped up.


Fossil energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that simply cannot continue – technology will take care of that strategy.


Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it. It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease. There are dozens of phone apps out there right now for health purposes.





WELCOME TO TOMORROW.


It actually arrived a few years ago.

A Weasel in Wetherspoons....

                                           

Well the Christmas tree is up. It’s still up in the loft, where it belongs! Bah Humbug!

I received a letter from my local council, telling me that, on collection day, wheelie bins must be positioned as close as possible to the path but not overlapping, otherwise I could be fined. I wrote back asking if, when emptied, my bins could be positioned nowhere near to where I left them, preferably either slap bang in the middle of my driveway or two doors down. And, give them their due, they followed my instructions to the letter.

This Brexit gubbins is driving me doo-lally! Hypothetically, it’s like I have just sold a car to Theresa May, I had it priced at £5,000 but she said the deal wasn’t right, after some tough negotiations I had to accept £10,000, and I have retained ownership of the aforememtioned vehicle. I have also agreed she wouldn't be able to drive it without my permission. I recollect that it was only a few months ago she told me she would rather walk than buy car from me...

                             

Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb through the kitchenette window...”


                                  

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

                            

A weasel walks into Wetherspoons and the barman sez: ”What can I get you to drink?” “Pop” goes the weasel....

   

Royal Mail will require extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                       

The Brexit Gubbins....

This is the year is 2185. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. Nobody can remember where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Barmy Albert’s grandson said his first word yesterday. He said: “Brexit”. Albert told him it’s the most important meal of the day.



Any carpenters looking for work? Theresa May’s cabinet is falling apart. Don’t forget folks, there are only six more Brexit ministers until Christmas!


                                   

Furthermore, I was offered a job on minimum wage on a zero hour contract. "Brilliant!" I sez, "When don't I start?”



Don’t get yourself all aeriated about global politics for a minute. All that you have to remember is that we are all related somehow. For instance: Charlie Sheen is American.  Michael Sheen is British and Mr Sheen is polish. Simples!

                                 

It’s only November and all the supermarkets are full of Yuletide gubbins, worse than that, Pancake Day isn’t until next February and all the shops shelves are laden with flour, eggs, milk and lemons! I’m having a Kinder egg for Easter. The one I had last year was nasty to me and called me horrible names.



Fascinating Fact: Over summer, I visited the Canary Islands and was amazed that there were no canaries there. Later on, I visited The Virgin Islands and you’ll never guess! There were no canaries there either! Fascinating!



I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was! I won’t be contacting them again!


                                           

When I was a kid, we were so poor, me mama used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkeys head on a kipper...



Call it a superpower, but I can tell certain people are judgmental just by looking at them.

                                                 

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc. From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious. Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. Cheers!


                                             

The missus sez: “Ever since you got those walkie-talkies, you’ve been acting like a complete and utter moron”. I replied: “Acting like a complete what? - Over.”



You will always find me in the kitchen at parties. That is unless you've stashed the booze under the stairs. In which case, I’ll be under the stairs!
                                               

You're a work of art. Not everyone will understand you, but, the ones that do, will never forget about you. Moreover, when someone says, "You’re the last person on my list that I would want to hurt", there are two things to take into account: (A) They already have a list. (B) You are on it. You can visit my website though. Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com   Or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                       

What is going on?

                                          

Have you noticed all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is Putin up to summat, or has that barmy bloke in North Korea fired some manner of missile that has caused poisonous flora and fauna to come cascading down the atmospherically tightly packed isobars and ridges of low pressure moving in from the arctic wastelands? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle and send Boris round with a big brush!



My good lady wants me to take her to Las Vegas to see The Temptations for Christmas. I'm going to Primark to get her the four tops, instead. She sez I could get her anything from The Body Shop. So I got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt it’ll be the wrong colour. Wives eh! How hard can it be to boil a slice of toast?


                                         

The missus lost her last job through having rheumatism of the shoulder and consequently couldn’t throw the harpoon any more. She’s managed to get a temporary job over the Christmastide period. She’s going gritting over Woodhead.



I was watching Peppa Pig yesterday morning and the wife casually sauntered in and turned off the telly. How childish is that?

                                                      

Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse. END OF RANT!



I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac voice onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So I'm constantly lost! I hear they’re launching a new Sat Nav specifically aimed at old-aged pensioners. When you get where you’re going, it reminds you what you went for. Fascinating!
                                       

I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                         

Last night, there was a bloke in my garden wearing a rugby shirt, golfing trousers, tennis shoes and goalkeeper’s gloves. I shouted "Oi! What's your flamin’game".

                                       

Warning: If you receive an email from a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour, do NOT click on the link. If you do, it takes you to a website selling tickets for the Spice Girls Reunion World Tour. So exercise extreme caution!



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

                            

The Genuine Emergency....

                                                  

I phoned Slimming World and sez: “It’s a genuine emergency, can you send somebody round?” They replied: “Of course, we have got loads of them!”

I’ve put on acres of weight over the summer, primarily because I’ve had a lot on my plate. I thought that I had an overactive knife and fork. I visited the doctor and asked him what I should do. He advised me: “Don’t eat anything fatty”. I sez: “Do you mean like kebabs, pizza, cheeseburgers or pies and chips?” He replied: “No. Don’t eat ANYTHING.... Fatty!”

                                               

In a murder trial, the defence barrister was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."



True or False: Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat?



The missus appears to have two major problems:

1) Nothing to wear.

2) No room for all of her clothes.

                                  

You know you live in a posh area when the kids throw quail eggs at your house. When it’s so posh that they eat fish and chips out of an attaché case and they have fruit when nobody is ill. Poor folk used to own horses and rich people had cars. Now it’s the other way round.



Maths made simple. If you have £100 and your missus has £50, then she has £150. I always keep a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds why there’s no flamin’ money in there!

Jeremy Kyle show headline: "Did my mum try to drown me as a baby?" – No. You may not be used to it, but it's called a bath. You can tell who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that family!


                                 

Famous Quotes: "Hang on! Where's the triangle player disappeared to?" - Conductor of the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra.

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed it’s load on the M67 at Denton. Police are warning of delays due to rubber knickers. I’ll get me hat and coat...

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "Coz they had eggs!"

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com