Well the Christmas tree is up. It’s still up in the loft, where it belongs! Bah Humbug!
I received a letter from my local council, telling me that, on collection day, wheelie bins must be positioned as close as possible to the path but not overlapping, otherwise I could be fined. I wrote back asking if, when emptied, my bins could be positioned nowhere near to where I left them, preferably either slap bang in the middle of my driveway or two doors down. And, give them their due, they followed my instructions to the letter.
This Brexit gubbins is driving me doo-lally! Hypothetically, it’s like I have just sold a car to Theresa May, I had it priced at £5,000 but she said the deal wasn’t right, after some tough negotiations I had to accept £10,000, and I have retained ownership of the aforememtioned vehicle. I have also agreed she wouldn't be able to drive it without my permission. I recollect that it was only a few months ago she told me she would rather walk than buy car from me...
Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb through the kitchenette window...”
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
A weasel walks into Wetherspoons and the barman sez: ”What can I get you to drink?” “Pop” goes the weasel....
Royal Mail will require extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
This Brexit gubbins is driving me doo-lally! Hypothetically, it’s like I have just sold a car to Theresa May, I had it priced at £5,000 but she said the deal wasn’t right, after some tough negotiations I had to accept £10,000, and I have retained ownership of the aforememtioned vehicle. I have also agreed she wouldn't be able to drive it without my permission. I recollect that it was only a few months ago she told me she would rather walk than buy car from me...
Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb through the kitchenette window...”
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
A weasel walks into Wetherspoons and the barman sez: ”What can I get you to drink?” “Pop” goes the weasel....
Royal Mail will require extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
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