The Genuine Emergency....

                                                  

I phoned Slimming World and sez: “It’s a genuine emergency, can you send somebody round?” They replied: “Of course, we have got loads of them!”

I’ve put on acres of weight over the summer, primarily because I’ve had a lot on my plate. I thought that I had an overactive knife and fork. I visited the doctor and asked him what I should do. He advised me: “Don’t eat anything fatty”. I sez: “Do you mean like kebabs, pizza, cheeseburgers or pies and chips?” He replied: “No. Don’t eat ANYTHING.... Fatty!”

                                               

In a murder trial, the defence barrister was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."



True or False: Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat?



The missus appears to have two major problems:

1) Nothing to wear.

2) No room for all of her clothes.

                                  

You know you live in a posh area when the kids throw quail eggs at your house. When it’s so posh that they eat fish and chips out of an attaché case and they have fruit when nobody is ill. Poor folk used to own horses and rich people had cars. Now it’s the other way round.



Maths made simple. If you have £100 and your missus has £50, then she has £150. I always keep a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds why there’s no flamin’ money in there!

Jeremy Kyle show headline: "Did my mum try to drown me as a baby?" – No. You may not be used to it, but it's called a bath. You can tell who wears the tracksuit bottoms in that family!


                                 

Famous Quotes: "Hang on! Where's the triangle player disappeared to?" - Conductor of the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra.

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed it’s load on the M67 at Denton. Police are warning of delays due to rubber knickers. I’ll get me hat and coat...

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "Coz they had eggs!"

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com