The Vote.....

                                                           

Will June be the end of May? Who will you vote for? I can’t decide between the bloke who wants to save the NHS, tackle tax avoidance by major corporations and address the housing shortage problem or the insane megalomaniac who wants to turn the UK into a post Brexit tax haven for the elite, take money from the most vulnerable in society and embrace fascists in Saudi Arabia and the USA. It’s a tough call really.....

                                       

                                   

BREAKING NEWS: The North Korean Pole Vaulting champion has now become the South Korean Pole Vaulting champion....



The missus was complaining, "Our wall clock almost hit my mother on the head today. It
fell off the wall only seconds after she got up from the settee." I mumbled, "That clock always was slow."

                                               

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were chatting over coffee. Said Nora, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye." Nora took a sip of her coffee. "Ouch" she screeched. "There it goes again!"Albert gazed at her with a saturnine grimace and proclaimed, "Nora, take the spoon out of the cup."



A conversation I overheard on the train into Manchester yesterday morning: "I shouldn't have told my fiancé about my rich uncle." "Why not?" "Because now she's my aunt."

                                                         
                                         

Thought for Thursday: Grass grows in direct proportion to your unwillingness to mow it.

                                                   If You're Happy & You Know It.....

Quote for Thursday: "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure" - Clarence Darrow



Fascinating Fact: If Alexander Graham Bell had a daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.


                                               

The CEO decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the month of April. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.



Marriage is akin to navigating a quad bike through a desolate tundra, then suddenly and inexplicably falling into an abyss, being flipped over and pinned underneath. At night a marauding pack of predatory ice weasels come ....

                                               

According to a recent scientific study, the best way to avoid being killed by a shark is by poking it in the eyes. Not that I class myself as smarter than scientists, but I think I will stick to my current tactic of living in Glossop.



David Beckham is working away so he goes into Interflora to get a bouquet of flowers for Victoria. "Do you want them scented?" asks the assistant. "Yes please," says David. "It's too far to take them myself."


                                                     

                                             

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of three-dimensional human existences. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me at: comedianuk@sky.com now, assume a comical position and strike the pose. Oh, and get back to work!

                                           

United Airlines.....

                       

1. Board the plane as a doctor - leave as a patient.

2, Would you like a neck pillow, or a neck brace?

3. We have Red Eye and Black Eye flights available!

4. We have an offer you can't refuse. No really.

5. Did you want a window seat or a concussion?

6. If we can't beat our competitors, we beat our customers.

7. We put the hospital in hospitality
.
8. Tell us your safe word at check in.

9. Now serving punch on all fights.

10. No volunteers? Unseat -> Beat -> Repeat ...

11. What do you call a doctor with two black eyes? A frequent flyer.

12.  Aisle, window or ringside seat, sir?

13. “Drag and Drop”

14. “Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

The Flight.....

                                                                         

A very Happy Easter to all my readers! Just need to mention that Jesus will definitely not be coming back. He was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang.

                                               

   

         

Security guards dragged a bloke off a Ryanair flight yesterday and all the other passengers demanded an upgrade....

                                                   

I got home yesterday afternoon and the missus was still sitting there, glued to the television. I have to say, as practical jokes go, that was possibly one of my best.

                                 

I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers. Fascinating!



I’ve had a couple of emails from people who have been accusing me of plagiarism. Their words not mine.



I took the missus (or Monsters Inc in Matalan, as I lovingly refer to her) to a fancy restaurant in Manchester. While studying the menu she asked, "What’s fillet mignon?" I noted it was £50, so thinking fast, I replied, "It’s pickled rat’s spleen with marzipan. Why do you ask?"


                                                 

Once upon a time, there were two little snakes called Cissie and Cynthia and they were both hissing near their pit. Mummy snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Potts pit and hiss. Cissie and Cynthia went over to Mrs. Potts pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey! Cissie and Cynthia, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mummy came out and exclaimed, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Potts house to hiss. They said,” Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss.” The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in!'' The End.
                                   

I was sauntering down the road with my daughter Suzie and we passed some Waneylap fencing. She asked me: “ What are those holes in the fence, dad? I replied: “They’re knot holes.” “ Well” she sez: “If they're not holes, then what exactly are they?” Fascinating!





"My mother is still in shock," the missus complained. "The doctors say it could've killed her."
"I only did what you asked," I said, defending myself. "You said, 'Take her a cup of tea and two slices of toast with nothing on." I’ve had nowt but problems with the Mother-in-law. I took her to the doctors last week. She had a rasher of bacon on top of her head, a brussel sprout in one ear and a fried egg on her shoulder. The doctor asked me what was wrong with her. I sez to him: “I’m no medical expert, but I don’t think she’s eating properly.”



                                     

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                             

The Irony....

                                                   

             

I came home and the missus asked me: “Have you ever seen fifty quid all crumpled up?” I replied: “No, why do you ask?” Next, she put her hand down her bra and produced a £50 note which was screwed up into a ball. She then said: “Have you ever seen twenty quid all crumpled up?” I exclaimed: “Certainly not!” Without further ado, she put her hand in her bra and produced a £20 noted screwed up into a ball. I wondered what she might do next. She then proclaimed: “Have you ever seen £24,000 all crumpled up?” I sez: “No, I definitely haven’t!” She then pointed and sez: “Go and have a look in the garage!” So, there you have it. It just goes to prove that a woman is a person who can spot a blond hair on a man’s lapel at 4 am in the morning in a darkened bedroom, but cannot see the gatepost with the headlamps on main beam!


                                                                   

I attended Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop mixing with and meeting fellow alcoholics. So I made my excuses and left.

                                                 

Barmy Albert sez to his manager: "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", his boss replied. "Take the afternoon off." When Albert returned to work the following day, his gaffer came up to him and enquired: "Well, how did it go! Is it a boy or a girl?" "I dunno", Albert said, "I'll tell you in nine months time!"

                                           

If you know how to correct cosmetic surgery that's gone horribly wrong, I'm all ears!


                                             

When Blackpool Circus contortionist (The Amazing Rubber Man) Tommy Figgis's wife left him for another man, he was inconsolable and his heart was broken. He became a very lonely and depressed figure. Alas, this week he died in his own arms. All the clowns from the circus attended his funeral. There were sixty-two of ‘em and they all went in the same car!

                                                 

The wife and I went to a fancy dress party as a couple of armed bank robbers last night. We had a great time. Well, I did. She was sat outside in the car, with the engine running.


                                                 

Fascinating Fact: The word on the streets has it that the new one pound coin is shaped so you can use a spanner to get it out of a Yorkshire man's hand. Fascinating!

                                          

Thought for Thursday: We live in strange times - kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school...

                                    

Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose! Guess what!

You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

The Belief....

                     

As we grow older and therefore wiser, we gradually realise that wearing a £300 or a £30.00 watch - - they both tell the same time. This is not a wind-up! 

Whether we carry a £300 or a £30.00 wallet/handbag - - the amount of money inside is the same. I always carry a photo of the wife and kids in my wallet.  It reminds me why there's no money in there!

Whether we drink a bottle of £500 or £5 wine - - the hangover is the same. I tried cooking with wine too. After six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for!

Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3,000 sq. ft. - - loneliness is the same. I live in a listed building. It lists at 45 degrees!

Whether you drive a £1,000 Reliant Robin Interceptor, 3 litre Ghia Hatchback, Trans-Am, or a £80,000 Lexus --they both serve the same purpose. 

You will realise that your true inner happiness does not come from the MATERIAL things of this world.
Therefore, I hope you realize, when you have mates, pals and old friends, brothers and sisters, who you chat with, laugh with, talk with, have sung songs with, talk about north-south-east-west or heaven and earth - - That is true happiness!!



SIX UNDENIABLE FACTS OF LIFE:
1. Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.
2. Best awarded words: "Eat your food as your medicines. Otherwise you have to eat medicines as your food."
3. The One who loves you will never leave you because even if there are 100 reasons to give up he or she will find one reason to hold on.
4. There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.
5. You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, You have to manage!
6. If you just want to Walk Fast, Walk Alone! But if you want to Walk Far, Walk Together!

SIX BEST DOCTORS IN THE WORLD:
1. Sunlight
2. Rest
3. Exercise
4. Diet
5. Self Confidence
6. Friends

Maintain them in all stages of Life and enjoy a healthy life.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

                             

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                         

The Gladiator.....

                         

I was larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, up Scropton Street, (Behind the abattoir) and Barmy Albert was telling me that Non-Stick Nora went to that Ann Summers and got some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. Well, he won’t eat her cooking, so he’s not gonna eat her vest, am he? She’s a terrible cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer! She made a rhubarb pie last week. It was three foot long and one inch wide. She sez, “If you take me upstairs with these handcuffs, you can handcuff me to the bed and do anything that you desire. So Albert took her upstairs, handcuffed her to the bed and then he went down Wetherspoons!

The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”


They were selling DVD movies on the local market. I asked her: “Do you have the one where Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped?” She replied: “Taken” “How about the sequel?” I politely enquired. "That’s Taken 2” She curly informed me. Walking away, I sez: “Okay then, I'll try somewhere else. "

                                   

Still on the retail front, I hear that Barmy Albert’s fruit and veg shop on the High Street has gone into liquidation. He now makes smoothies.....



If you had to make a choice between winning the Euro Millions or your wife, then which car would you buy?


Thought for Thursday: Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up.



Fascinating Fact: The only thing worse than a bull that dislikes you, is one that does....



Q) What do I, as a common person, have to do to become an affiliate of this weekly humour column?" A) Well, it's simple. First, stop being common. Next, log on to my website www.ComedianUK.com and answer the following question: Did you ever find a potato that resembled a member of your family? If so, who? Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! The summer is a-comin’!