#karmawinsagain

           

Today is International Ladies Day! It was supposed to be yesterday, but they weren't ready in time....
                                 

I phoned my daughter’s school up yesterday morning. "I’m very sorry, but she won't be in today as she's not very well." "Oh dear," said her teacher, "what has she got?" "P.E, English and R.E, I think!”


                                 

Fascinating Fact: Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...


                                       

I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

                             

Thought for Thursday: Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. - P. G. Wodehouse



                               

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora were lying in bed one night. Albert was nodding off, but Nora was in a romantic mood and wanted to natter. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."Wearily, Albert reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she opined: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


                     

The missus wants a divorce. She reckons that I think more about football, than I do about her. All this from a woman I have shared my life with for eleven seasons! She is also espousing much vitriol because of my obsession with metaphors. Well, it came straight out of the blue, I can tell you! It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather. Divorce is like algebra. You look at the ex and think ‘Y’...
                                 

Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and chortle your socks off by howling at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website:  www.comedianuk.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

         
                               

Dry January?

  

Yesterday, I was wondering exactly what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable. I asked my twenty brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer to this riddle.


                     


Last night, I'd just laid two intricate place settings at the dining room table, using the finest cutlery and crockery, when suddenly the missus walks in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until tomorrow!"





I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's bobbins," she replied. "Total rubbish" More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."





Whilst visiting my daughter last night, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!





My elderly neighbour, Barmy Albert knocked on my door. "Can you open a jar of Branston for me?" he asked. "Of course," I replied. "Superb!" he said, barging in. "Have you got any Cheddar and crackers as well."

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."



According to the most current magazine in my dentist's waiting room, every home will have a television by 1962.



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”





If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                

Goosey-Goosey Gandhi?

              

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected .... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.


One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."
Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"


Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."


Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.


A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

Some Advice for 2016.....

     

The snow was so thick last weekend. I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me. How heavy was the snowfall? Well, you could no longer see the fridges and washing machines in Non-Stick Nora’s front garden!



Non-Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist. In a dark, foreboding and ominous sanctuary, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Non-Stick Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know the truth. Nora met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"


                

I came home with a dozen red roses and the wife sez, "Okay, what have you been up to?" I replied, "I've slept with your sister." She screamed at me, "If you think that a lousy bunch of flowers is gonna get you off the hook for that, then you're sadly very much mistaken!" I replied, "They're for your sister..."



The times they are a-changing! I overheard three boy scouts talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ Week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”



                  

The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one, free of charge.



I’ve always had an aversion to milk since I was very young. I still maintain this peccadillo right up to the present day. It’s because my mother ran off with the milkman when I was just a little kid. Watching them drive away on his float was probably the most miserable two hours of my entire life. Then just yesterday, the missus sez to me, “Nip to the Co-op and get a litre of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” I got back and she started ranting and raving at me. “You absolute moron! Why the heck have you brought back twelve litres of milk, for God’s sake?” With all the dignity I could muster, I replied, “They had eggs....”

                               

Thought for Thursday: A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.



If I could offer you some advice for 2016: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like you’re being filmed and you need the money. Only work when folk are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com




          

Congratulations!

                 
         

Start 2016 right! Don't forget to say those important three little words to your significant other. "I'm off out" Wimmin! A mass of contradictions! She announced, "Right! This new year we're keeping off bread & spuds and gonna lose all the weight that we've put on over Christmas." "Okay." I reply. "Do you want anything afore we go dog walking?" "Yes, I'll have a piece of toast." Then, I politely enquire, "Would you like fries with that?" I swear I never saw that frying pan whirling through the air.... OUCH! So now, my New Year resolution is to give up being a good example, I’ll just be a terrible warning instead!




     

Yesterday, whilst I was sauntering up Scropton Street, I saw a young woman wearing a silk sash that said, ‘Miss Syria.’ I walked straight up to her and sez, "You really should bugger off back there then."


     

Over the weekend, I went to B&Q at The Snipe and there was a bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then? There was a big banner up which bore the legend, ‘Stainless Steel Sinks’. I thought, “I already know that!”
If you’re ever bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day, I strongly recommend that you go into B & Q and play hide and seek with the staff. Here’s how to participate. You diligently patrol every aisle, however, still cannot find the item that you need. Suddenly, you spot an assistant sporting the trademark orange apron. You walk towards the orange apron and suddenly, it disappears! If you want some attention, here’s a tip. Try and start a chainsaw. You’ll get plenty of assistance then!
                 

                       

I hear on the grapevine that, they're putting one of those blue plaques outside the Celebrity Big Brother house. It is to bear the legend, "Whatsisname Lived Here."


             

Thought for Thursday: You know you're getting old when the missus sez, "Let’s run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Make your mind up, it’ll have to be one or the other, I can't do both."


                     

Last night, the missus sez to me, "Do you think I have too much make up on?" I replied, "It just depends if you're going out specifically to kill Batman or not...." Then the fight started....

                             

I’m still getting wretched nuisance phone calls from those scurrilous claims companies. They’re so annoying. “Have you ever worked in a noisy environment?” I only got to say, “Pardon?” seventeen times, before she hung up. Spoilsport!

                               

Happy New 2016 folks! Get out of the rut. Start a new rut! Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. You know it’s the right thing to do! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                           

42 Thoughts For 2017....

                             

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years.
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.
6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", You can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - food, attractive people and danger.
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell!!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.
23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts and things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.