Kids!

You never know what goes on in the cranium of a kid! Over Christmas, the missus had a dinner party for friends and family, some of whom we hadn’t seen for ages. Everyone was encouraged to bring their children.


All through the meal the wife's friend's four year old daughter stared at me as

I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food and patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my utmost to ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.


I asked her, “Why do you keep staring at me?” Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the whole table went quiet for her response. The little girl sez, “I’m just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


                 

More Christmas Jokes!

  

I got in from a gig last night and there was a note on the fridge door, which read: 'I'm going to my mother's for Christmas - It's not working.' I opened the fridge and got a can of Stella out and it was chilled to perfection!




We were on the High St yesterday and the missus asked me: "What have you got me for Krimbo?" I sez, "You see that big pink Mercedes Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies, "Yeah!" I sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same colour!"




According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-arsed bloke in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!




Granny always wraps her Christmas presents up months beforehand. Last year, she got me a lovely dog skeleton....




In Debenhams, a little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn,she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks,"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and an Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and sez, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She fakes it with Ken."




The solicitor sez: "I have good news and bad news."
The Managing Director replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer sez: "Your wife invested £10,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £20 million."
The Managing Director replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The solicitor answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary!."




THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyf called Joey, innit? He well fit ann does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!
                              

New Popcorn Turkey Recipe!

Here is a turkey recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing – imagine that!

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.

Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED TURKEY
1 giant size turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup pre made stuffing mix
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the LOUD popping sounds.

When the turkey’s arse blows the oven door off it's hinges and the turkey flies across the room and hits the wall, then it is done

And you thought I couldn’t cook……..

       

Top Turkey Tip!

BE CREATIVE OVER THE HOLIDAYS !!

Cut a lemon in half and place under the skin of the turkey before roasting, for a Christmas meal the family will still be talking about next year!

Pirate Jokes, so they are...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."


"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."






Long John Silver goes to see the doctor, because he's worried that the moles on his back could be cancerous.

"Don't worry, it's all okay," says the Doctor "They're benign."

"Just count 'em again please, Doc," replied the Long John. "I reckon there be at least ten."

                   

Old Christmas Cracker Jokes, so they are....

         

             

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed. "Write that down, Mary," said Joseph. "It’s better than ‘Derek’."
–——————
Have you heard about Rudolph’s brother – Vladimir the brown nose reindeer – he could run as fast as the others but couldn’t stop as quick!
–——————
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don’t want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won’t tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really shag, I’ll have nothing left to live for."

—————–


When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and A shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the Elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

—————————


After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Oh, Even worse," she assured him, her voice laden with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself! You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."

John looked up and replied, "He’s a jerk! Piss on him!" "You did," Louise informed him. "And he immediately fired you."

"Well screw him and his whole board of directors," growled John. Louise quickly remarked, "John, I’m really glad you feel that way… because I did! You’re back to work on Monday."

————————-




This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. "No" says the man and goes on to explain why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the understanding that you will do me a favour". "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal humping, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. You’re a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughs the jolly fat gay bastard.

               

Herd of cows?

             

 



I was watching Countryfile on BBC1. They were artificially inseminating a herd of cows. Straight up, no bull! Anyway, it reminded me of this, so it did....

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,


"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.


Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says,


"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says Sam.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.


Then Sam says to the young man,


"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,


"Okay, why not?"


"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie,"but how did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered Sam."You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".


AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE E.U

                       

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Merry Winterval Folks!

 

A staggering SIX times this month, my blind uncle has fallen out of the tree in his garden. Two or three times, he's fallen off his next-door neighbour's conservatory and twice he's got trapped under a van. Today, he got electrocuted whilst clambering a pylon, and the 40 thousand volts killed him immediately. This has caused me massive problems, with this unfortunate farrago occurring so near to Christmastide. Not only do I have to organise the funeral and wake, I must make every endevour to re-home his Guide Cat.....


A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was chock-a block, and as the wife turned to her husband, there was no sign of him. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. So she called him on her mobile to ask him where he was. Quietly he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop." "Well, I'm in the pub next door."


Barmy Albert was so bladdered after his works Christmas footing last week. When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he took off his shoes, overcoat, shirt, trousers and underwear and as slowly as he could, crept upstairs very quietly, in order not to wake Non-Stick Nora. It was only when he got to the top of the stairs he realised that he was on the bus!

Granny always buys and wraps my Christmas presents many months in advance. Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton.

Granny called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.
"Can I come in?" She asked, " Have you got a problem?" He replied, "I'm freezing cold, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have their heating on," she said to him.

A pantomime in aid of the charity, "Paranoid Schizophrenics" descended into chaos last night when somebody in the audience shouted out "He's behind you!"...

I’m rubbish at buying Christmas presents for the missus. I never get it right. But this year, I've conquered it. I found her secret wish list hidden in the kitchenette drawer.
Eggs.
Bacon.
Loaf.
Toilet Rolls.
Paracetomol..


At Christmas, a real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer. That’s what beer does… Never mind.

Yes folks, it’s THAT time of year again! The month of December is when we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my all new festive website! Just click onwww.ComedianUK.com

Captain Smithers....

 

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called that witch doctor a twat!"

                       

They're Under Starters Orders.....

        

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.
"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"