Having a few Britney Spears down the Battle Cruiser....

The threat of a massive influx of Bulgarian and Romanian migrants entering the UK next year has eased slightly after it was confirmed that we've now eaten all their transport....

The missus was in a car accident. She said the bloke was speaking on his phone, eating a sandwich and drinking beer. Apparently, the policeman said, "He could do whatever he liked in his own conservatory!"

Whilst doing a gig at a London hotel recently, there was a wedding reception taking place in another function suite. I said to the person next to me, “That’s the ugliest bride I have ever seen.” “I beg your pardon!” came the reply, “That happens to be my daughter!” I apologised and said, “I’m sorry, I had no idea you were her father.” “I’m not!” came the retort, “I’m her mother!” Oh dear. Hat and coat time already....

I visited the opticians on the High Street yesterday. Told him I can see seven years into the future. He reckons I've got 2020 vision!

I was in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife with the missus on Valentines night and I whispered: "I love you, truly madly, deeply." She replied; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I said: "It's me talking to the beer". I had to get a present for Valentines Day, and I've found summat that the missus looks really good in. The distance!

Archbishop Angelo Si Scola of Milan, 71, is rumoured to be the possible successor to Pope Benedict. So it's true then! The next pontiff will be known as Pope Si Scola! You couldn't make it up!

Ladies. Listen up! If I make you breakfast in bed, then a simple ‘Thank you’ is all I need in return. Not all this ‘How the hell did you get in my house’ business. Okay. Rant over!

Last Monday, someone whacked me over the cranium with a power tool. I was sat there minding me own

business, when all of a sudden, Bosch!

I was languishing in the pub the other night and heard three girls, with an overabundance of flesh, and who could only be described as being ‘on the avante garde side of petite’ talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be possess a celtic brogue, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you flamin’ idiot!" So I unreservedly apologised and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.


If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about Austin Knight and this crazeridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the under water gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com
 Now, get back to work!

Pistorious Latest!

Oscar Pistorius was bailed today, the court thinks he won't do a runner.

Apparently, he wanted a new door for the bathroom, but his girlfriend was dead against it !!

Well, he did say he was taking her out on Valentines day !!



I hear on the grapevine that Arsene Wenger could well be considering signing Oscar Pistorious in the summer transfer window after reports claimed he had more shots on target in 9 seconds than Arsenal did in 90 minutes against Bayern Munich.


Poor Oscar. He now has to surrender his arms, there won't be much left of him to go on trial in June

Kama Sutra....

My new girlfriend found a Kama Sutra book in my office yesterday. She said, "You horny devil, how many of the positions have you tried then?" I said, "About 140 out of the 150." "Why didn't you do the last 10?" she laughed sarcastically. "Because the dog died," I replied....

Divorce is like algebra. You look at the X and think Y....

After thirty one years of marriage. Barmy Albert dumped his wife for a younger woman. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s home and since Albert’s lawyers were quite efficient, he prevailed. He gave Nora his now ex-wife just three days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the second day she had to removal men come and collect her chattels. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When Barmy Albert returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. The pong was so strong, it would have knocked a buzzard off a tip! They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nowt seemed to work. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
Even the home help quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even though they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Non-Stick Nora called Barmy Albert and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about one tenth of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later Barmy Albert and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home. Including the curtain rods.....

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light?   www.ComedianUK.com  Email me: comedianuk@sky.com.  Now, get back to work                  Top of Form

David Lettermans Top 10 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09.....You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02...You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

#01...And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.......
When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pope Latest!!

Archbishop Angelo Si Scola of Milan, 71 is rumoured to be the possible successor to Pope Benedict. So it's true then! The next pontiff will be known as Pope Si Scola! You couldn't make it up!

Breaking News: Pope Benedict resigns. He says, "In the old days, young boys had an ambition to enter the priesthood, but these days, it's the other way round"..

It doesn't last furlong....

                                         Try Findus Lasagne, with a dash of Red Rum...

Findus Fish Fingers have been DNA tested and found to contain Sea Horse!  Incredible!

My doctor sez that I should watch what I eat, so I'm off to Aintree racecourse tomorrow.

A strange bloke honked his horn and waved at me yesterday morning. "Who the hell is that?" I thought, as I stood there, sporting an inane grin. Then he did it again. So I slowly walked towards him and looked through the windscreen, but I still didn't recognise him. As he stepped out of the car I said, "Do I know you, mate?" He said, "Get out of the middle of the flamin’ road, you moron!"

Some scallywag whacked me over the cranium with a power tool yesterday. I was sat there minding me own business, then Bosch!

Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet....

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.

Barmy Albert came back from hospital yesterday and told me: "I've got the Big C". "Cancer?" I asked, "No" he replied, "Dyslexia"....

Perhaps the kids of today will start paying more attention to history, now that they know  that Richard III, a famous monarch was buried in the exact same place where they were conceived. Moreover, they found his horse, which was buried on Tesco’s car park. Fascinating innit!

My sister called me a lazy, dilatory, bone-idle, good-for-nothing cretin, when she came to visit me at my house over the weekend. On a more positive note and definitely on the plus side though, she took down the Christmas tree.


We were dressed and ready to go to a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi duly arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away. "That stupid old thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her backside with a wire coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not urinate in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the cab was deafening.

Breaking News: The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today. RIP Ewan Whosarmy

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work Top of Form

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ....
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell “ Mississippi”

Scotland the Brave!

I was in a pub the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, who could be described as being on the 'avant garde side of petite', talking at the bar.  Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"    One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"   So I apologised and replied,
"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And...that's the last thing I remember....

QPR Blues....

Whilst doing a gig last week at the London Hilton, I bumped into QPR manager Harry Redknapp on the third floor in the lift. I said “Going down, Harry?” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied “Flamin’ well looks like it, don’t it!” He should have done some forward planning and planted some spuds round the pitch. Then at least he would have had summat to pick up at the end of the season....

Despite feminism, wimmin still attend to domestic chores. It was just on BBC News that 1,000's of birds are washing up on the south coast.

Barmy Albert was working in Tesco stacking shelves, when he encountered a woman he was courting via an internet dating website. This embarrassing scenario occurred whilst he was rearranging the washing powder in aisle number eight. With all the dignity she could muster, she opined, “Albert, when we first met, you told me you were a stunt pilot, you lying scoundrel!" To which Albert replied "No I didn’t. I told you I was part of the Ariel display team." Personally, I'd never join one of those online dating services. I much sooner prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. Through alcohol and poor judgement.

A delivery bloke knocked on my door yesterday morning and announced, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

Fascinating Fact: Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...

I would like to advise all the people who received a book from me in December as a Christmas present, that they are due to be returned to Glossop library today.

I visited my doctor with regard to my chronic deafness and acute hearing loss. He gave me a thorough examination and prescribed some medicine and told me to take two drops per day in my beer. I've been doing it for over a week now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.

Our neighbours dog pooed in our garden, so the missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what this has solved, because, now we've got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

Thought for Thursday: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint. My dad was never very proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about Austin Knight and this crazeridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local  pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the under water gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

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