Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.~ Timothy JonesWhen the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.~ Desmond TutuAmerica is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.~ David LettermanI'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.~ Howard HughesAfter the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.~ Italian proverbMen are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.~ Betsy SalkindThe only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.~ Jean KerrI've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.~ Zsa Zsa GaborYou know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.~ Jeff FoxworthyWhen a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.~ Prince PhilipA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.~ Emo Philips.Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.~ Harrison FordThe best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.~ Spike MilliganLawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.~ Robin HallKill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.~ Jean Rostand.Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.~ WH AudenIn hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.~ Jonathan KatzIf life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.~ Johnny CarsonI don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.~ Arthur C ClarkeHollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.~ Steve MartinHome cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.~ Jimmy DuranteAs I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.~ John GlennIf toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?~ Steven WrightAmerica is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.~ Doug HamwellThe first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.~ George RobertsIf God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport~ Jonathan WintersI have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.~ Robert Benchley
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Monday, 28 January 2013
Wish I'd Said That!
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