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Monday, 28 January 2013

So now we know!

Whilst perambulating down the High Street last weekend, I almost got run over by a lorry salting the road. I shouted, "You swine" ... through gritted teeth!

Recently appointed Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 World Cup. He has bought himself a new TV.

Thought for Thursday: A HMV gift voucher isn’t just for Christmas, It’s for life.

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his buggy. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm OK thanks," he replied. "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later." "That's mighty nice of you," John answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," John finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy, some driving and putting lessons, and some casual no-strings attached sex, John thanked his hostess. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile , "She won't know anything..she's at home isn't she??" "Nope....Under the buggy!" he explained.

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the living daylights out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the ‘team’. Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana. Why, you ask? Because in their minds that is the way it has always been! This, my friends, is how Parliament operates and this is why, from time to time: ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Email me: Now, get back to work!

                                                              Send in the clowns.....

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