Search This Blog

Monday, 14 January 2013

All crumpled up innit!

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said.
She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her bra once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Right-ho!" she said, "have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!

A special Christmas prezzie for my teenage daughter Susannah was a Shiat-Tzu puppy, which she has christened Alfie. I have another name for the cute canine. I call him ‘Handyman.’ Why? Well it’s because he does quite a few odd jobs around the house! I’ve tried to train the dog to perform his ablutions on a newspaper. The only problem is, he does it while I’m reading it!

Barmy Albert went to the doctors and opined, “I can’t sleep Doc.” The doctor replied, “Don’t worry Albert, I’ll write a prescription for some sleeping tablets, just take one an hour before going to bed at night.” Albert gazed at the GP in astonishment and sez, “No you don’t understand Doctor, I’m all right at night.”

Yesterday, I passed by a bloke who appeared to have parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road. I was utterly amazed and wondered how he could sleep with the horn blaring so loudly like it was.

A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it. No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music. Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist. The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded. "Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of three-dimensional human existences. Visit my website!!! and continue the quest! You can email me on now, assume a comical position and strike the pose. Now get back to work!

No comments:

Post a Comment