Over the festive season, we had family and friends visiting from all over the place. They were encouraged to bring all their kids too. During a meal, my five-year-old niece stared at me constant, which I found quite disconcerting. The child could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for wine stains, wondered if I had ketchup round my gob, Checked if I was having a bad hair day, however, nothing stopped her from observing me. I tried my best to just ignore this unfortunate farrago, but finally it was too much for yours truly. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her odd behaviour and the table went silent for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
Whilst putting away all Christmas stuff in the loft, I came across a 1977 copy of TV Times, or the Sex Offenders Register as it is now known...
I thought I'd have a change of career, so went to the Job Centre earlier today. The woman behind the desk sez, "All we have in are some positions in data administration." "I'm sorry" I replied, "but I can't use a computer." She glared at me and screamed, "You can't use a computer! Are you some kind of mental retard?" "No" I replied, "It's a condition of my bail"....
The missus was in bed with terrible influenza, so I said to her, "I really wish I could make you better."
She replied: "Thanks a lot, but I'm sure the antibiotics will start working soon." I sez, "No, I meant bigger tits and smaller arse!"
There was a spendthift called Dave,
Who dug up a prostitutes grave,
She was mouldy as shit,
And was missing a tit,
But he thought, 'Think of the money I'll save!'
Spotted my next door neighbour Barmy Albert yesterday morning on the High Street, he's only got one arm, poor sod. I shouted “Where you off to then Albert?” He said, “I'm going to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward innit, with one arm?” “Not really.” he replied. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
I was talking to a girl in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." Oh dear, hat and coat time already!
I phoned the RSPCA last week and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," she opined. "Are they moving?" "I'm not too sure, to be honest," I replied, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Barmy Albert asked me, "What's your favourite mythical creature?" I replied, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."
Breaking News: Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata. Yes folks, it's a double dip recession!
More Breaking News: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
Thought for Thursday: I just found out, my extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
Happy New 2013! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. Now, get back to work!
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