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Monday, 20 July 2020

Meanwhile, up Dogpoo Lane....

                                                             


This time last year, I flew from Tallinn to Helsinki, then onto Manchester (T1) and the luggage never arrived. Had to fill out a form, it took absolutely ages. Where it had 'comments' at the bottom, I wrote ' My suitcase just vanished into Finnair'.  I instigated legal proceedings against the airline, but unfortunately lost my case...



In order to prevent internet fraud, I’ve changed my PC password to ‘Strangeways'. Now when I press the Esc button, nothing happens. I feel as though I’m no longer in Ctrl. My mate Del is having the same trouble.



I bumped into an old school friend over the weekend. He started showing off, talking about being furloughed from his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my missus." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician."
                                             



I had yet another telephone diagnosis with the doctor. When the conversation was complete, I sez, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English exactly what's wrong with me.” “Well, in plain English,” he replied, “You're just a plain old lazy malingerer, wastrel and popinjay” 'Thank You.' I replied. “Now give me the medical term, so I can tell the wife.”



Quiz of the Week:- So how do I get into a shop to buy a facemask, if I'm not wearing a facemask?



I just love to pamper the missus. If she's had a stressful day, I get her to text me when she's on her way, so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam & bubbles, timing everything perfectly, so the moment she walks through the door, all the dishes are piled up waiting for her.



One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others...

                                                 


I caught a spider yesterday. The missus sez: "Don't kill it, take it out." So I did. We went to Wetherspoons. She was a nice spider. Her name was Simone and she's hoping to become a web designer...

                                                         

This Corona virus must have hit India really hard, as I’ve not had a single phone call for over four months about a car accident I haven’t been involved in!



Just popped over the road to see my elderly 86 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from Tesco. Luckily she did so I gave her my list. There’s no point in us both going really.

                                                   

Last week, vegans were protesting in Trafalgar Square, claiming that Covid-19 comes from meat eating. It’s a strange fact that Coronavirus is an anagram of Carnivorous? If they are right, then no vegans should have had the virus.
                                 


I’ve got a job making plastic Dracula’s. There’s only two of us on the production line so I have to make every second Count



Imagine going into a pub "You have to leave your details sir!" “OK.. but don't tell the wife I was here.”


                                                   


Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                                           
P.S: If you're refusing to wear a mask because you're concerned that your brain will be deprived of oxygen, then I reckon that ship has already sailed.

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