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Saturday 11 July 2020

The pandemic conspiracy theoreticians prevail....


Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was struggling with her shopping bags on Tesco car park, when she inadvertently sneezed and her false teeth were catapulted down a grid. She was endeavouring to extricate them, when this bloke came up and sez “You’ll never lift that grid up. I don’t think you can retrieve them.” “Oh dear.” She opined, “What am I to do?” The bloke replied: “Hang on there a minute.” He went to his car and brought back three sets of false gnashers and sez to the old lady: “Here, try these.” The first set were too big, whereas the second set were far too small. However, the third set fitted a treat and she declared: “”Thank you so much! I’m very fortunate to have met a dentist here today.” The guy replied: “I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker...”


Just wait until the pandemic conspiracy theoreticians actually discover that they themselves are a part of a pandemic conspiracy theory, in order to recruit other pandemic conspiracy theoreticians to broadcast disinformation to the general public by employing disingenuous pandemic conspiracy theoreticians. Who’d a thowt it?


This quarantine, lockdown, self-isolation gubbins has taught me that I have no real hobbies, apart from going out to restaurants and spending money on trash!

Lonely during the lockdown? I was, so I glued a Costa Coffee cup to the roof of my car and now everyone waves at me when I’m driving around town!

Have you ever thought of those horrible kids in the supermarket, throwing tantrums, sitting in the trolley screaming, kicking out, generally misbehaving and their parents just stood there and did nowt? Remember when you thought to yourself:- “God help us all, when that kid grows up!” Well, they’ve grown up now and walk amongst us!


Liverpool fans have been requested not to sing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” because it may offend folk who cannot walk, people who live alone, anyone who has a morbid fear of storms or is afraid of the dark. I recollect an occurence from many years ago, when the famous actor Yul Brynner refused to travel to Liverpool in order to advertise a well know brand of after-shave. This was primarily because Yul never wore cologne....

I purchased a packet of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, or as Matt Hancock would call it, 8234 food items...


You can’t go to the doctors with this pandemic lark, so one has to have a telephone consultation. I told him that the pile ointment that he prescribed was causing a very nasty reaction. He sez to me, “Whereabouts are you applying it?” I replied, “On the bus...”

The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight during the lockdown pandemic isolation quarantine gubbins, and I innocently sez, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling." She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started....


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