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Friday, 27 March 2020

The Lockdown Chronicles....

                                               


Good News! Folk who have contracted the dreaded virus and have been put on one of those new Dyson Ventilators, it’s been reported that they’re picking up very nicely...

Barmy Albert phoned me. He sez: “I reckon I’ve copped for this Coronavirus m8.” I asked him what the symptoms were. He replied: “Well, there’s Marje, Homer & Bart and they’re on Channel 4 now!”

                               



CAUTION! If anyone receives an email with the heading "Ding-Dong" Do not open it! Apparently, it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses working from home...

I recollect the times when people could actually smoke in pubs. Now you can't even flamin’ drink in them!

                                           


With the new legislation that was passed in Parliament last week, now that the police have the powers to break up groups, can we start with COLDPLAY and U2?


Observing social distancing protocol during this lockdown lark, the missus and I have been sleeping right on the edge of the bed on our respective sides. Last night I noticed that there were six feet between us. I've no idea who they belonged to......

                                           

On Wednesday night, I had a drink in every room and pretended I was on a pub crawl! I got so pissed, I don’t remember getting back from the kitchen!

Effinell! I never thought I’d see it in my lifetime, but it’s actually happened! Yes folks, the DFS sale has actually ended! Who’d a thowt it?

                                                       


Greggs have closed their retail outlets, but are now operating a home delivery service using drones. In my opinion, it’s all a bit pie in the sky...


Dating ads: Single bloke with pack of Andrex toilet rolls would like to meet girl with a bottle of hand sanitizer for some good clean fun....

My lockdown, self-isolation and social distancing diary: Monday - stayed in. Tuesday - stayed in. Wednesday - stayed in. Thursday - stayed in. Friday - stayed in. Saturday- went to Tesco. Saw all the empty shelves - wish I’d have stayed in!

                                                     
             


Self-Isolation and COVID-19 is such a stressful and prolific factor in our lives now that in America (where else?) you can now employ a professional worrier. It’s catching on here in the United Kingdom as well. These professional worriers charge five hundred quid per week and for this exorbitant fee, they will do all your worrying for you, thereby leaving you with a totally stress free environment. I thought that this was such an awesome concept that I have employed three of these so-called professional worriers to come and work for me on a personal basis. Of course, you are probably thinking how can I afford £1500 per week? Well the simple answer is, I can’t. But I’ll let the worriers worry about that!


                               



Don't let Corona virus kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com. Now, assume a comical position, wash your hands, sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and stay at home! Oh, and don’t touch ya face!


                                   

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