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Sunday 5 April 2020

Unprecedented times indeed!


Typical UK innit! If perchance we have one centimetre of snow, then the country grinds to a halt. A serious pandemic virus and it’s: “Oh, let’s go to Blackpool and get some fish and chips!” They say you can't fix stupid. It would appear that you can't quarantine it either! Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or an idiot from any direction!

My old dad always used to say to me: “Lying on the sofa watching telly all day will get you absolutely nowhere in life.” Fast forward to today and look at me. Saving the planet!

Sleep in another room; keep two metres away from other people in the house. Anyone got a problem with that? Just like being married! Bigamy: One wife too many; Monogamy; Same thing....


Alexa. When this quarantine lockdown isolation gubbins is all over, remind me to go to the gym. Alexa: “I’ve added gin to your shopping list...”

I’ve put on acres of weight, during the isolation period. I phoned Weight Watchers. I sez: “It’s an emergency! Can you send somebody round?” She replied: “They ALL are!”


Yesterday, my neighbour knocked on wearing just a see through negligee. “Can I borrow a cup of sugar and do you fancy coming over to mine for a tot of Absinthe?” Sometimes, Barmy Albert is incorrigible. This lockdown lark has sent him doo-lally!

Just seen a bloke in Aldi buying a sombrero, piñata and some paella. I thought to myself, “I can't believe it. Hispanic buying.” Unprecedented times indeed!

Anyone wishing to show their appreciation for all the delivery drivers are asked to clap at their front doorstep tomorrow, between 8am and 6pm. A delivery driver put a card through my door which said he’d called, but there was nobody in. Considering I’ve not been out of the house for a fortnight, then this beggars belief!


Even on lockdown, I had no need to alter the clocks. I left them the time they were last October. Since then, we’ve been watching ITV + 1. I always feel sorry for those blokes that have to shift the big rocks at Stonehenge around every time the clocks get altered.


Snow White sez to all the dwarves; “Right! This is really important. With this present farrago, we’re all going to have to stay at home. Except you, Sneezy. You’re gonna have to find alternative accommodation. Get yer hat and coat and sod off!”

Next time you visit the library, you’ll find that all the ‘Post-Apocalyptical Fiction’ reading material has been relocated to the ‘Current Affairs’ section. Fascinating!

Technical advice: When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the Microsoft instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mum!


Catering News: Our local burger van has just been awarded 4 Michelin Tyres. Wahay!

Homeschooling during the quarantine: “What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' The kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!”

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