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Thursday 23 April 2020

Lockdown Paranoia with Toilet Duck!

It’s just like being 15 again! Petrol and diesel is cheap as chips. I cannot legally drink in a pub or hotel and to top it all, I’m grounded! Wahay!

An American preacher who injected a fellow student with Toilet Duck has been charged with bleach of the priest.

They’ve got that social distancing off to a fine art, hereabouts. Whenever I’m sauntering down Scropton Street, everybody crosses over to the other side of the road immediately when they see me. Mind you, they did that before the pandemic gubbins too!


Government scientific boffins reckon that the present situation may carry on until the end of the year. If this is correct, then I’ve had a great idea! If the lockdown continues until December then we could have 6 foot long Christmas crackers! At last we could get a decent present in them!


I’ve put on acres of weight during this self- isolation, lockdown lark. You can always tell if you’ve put on a lot of timber. When you get in the bath, the water in the toilet rises...

The spread of the Coronavirus depends on three primary factors.

1: How dense the population is.

2: How dense the population is.

3: How dense the population is.

When it was snowing and blizzards in January, I got a case of lager from the supermarket and stayed in and watched Netflix. It was horrible in February, so we went all inclusive to Spain and had a champagne supernova on the beach in the sunshine. It was raining at the beginning of March, so I sauntered into Wetherspoons and quaffed a few gin & tonics.   When the self-isolation/quarantine/lockdown gubbins started five weeks ago, we had a few nice warm days and then it went perishing cold, so I ordered a case of Malbec and have stayed at home, as per government guidelines. I’m beginning to think that I have a serious problem with the weather. Moreover, never try and cut your own hair after two large gin & tonics!


Childhood recollections: When I was a little kid, my father only ever hit me once but I'll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina...

Yesterday, I was debating which DIY jobs I should do next. Whether I should paint the lounge walls and then gloss the doors and skirting boards. Mind you, it’s been four days since I last did it.



BREAKING: Diane Abbott is suing Tesco for reproducing her signature without permission on their hot cross buns...

When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a second-hand calculator which was missing the “X”button. Times were hard!

Going lockdown doo-lally! Last weekend, I was certain that I saw Suggsy walking past my house. Could this be first sign of Madness?

I was totally lockdown bored, so the missus sez that I should go into the garden and make a bird table. She was livid when I put her in 5th place!

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