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Friday, 10 April 2020

The Long Good Friday Lockdown....


The temptation to drink too much at home during this unfortunate farrago is taking its toll. Last night, I was so bladdered in the scullery, I asked the missus for her phone number! Isolation gubbins gone doo-lally innit!

They’re really good at that there social distancing hereabouts. Whenever I’m sauntering down Scropton Street, everybody crosses over to the other side of the road immediately when they see me. Mind you, they did that before the pandemic gubbins too!


This time last Easter, everyone was banging on about leaving the EU. This year, we can’t even leave the house! My wheelie bin has been out more than I have during the last few weeks.

Breaking News: Liverpool John Lennon Airport has closed. Imagine all the people!


I must admit that I’ve been out of work for so long, I’ve developed a Scouse accent! But dee doo dat doe don’t dey!

“I’ve taken up crown green bowls” Barmy Albert informed Non-Stick Nora. “Well if they have a referee in soccer and an umpire in cricket, then what do they have in bowls?” Nora asked him. Albert thought for a minute and replied: “Goldfish?”


You can always tell that you’ve put on weight. When you get in the bath and the water in the toilet rises...

The spread of the Coronavirus depends on three primary factors.

1: How dense the population is.

2: How dense the population is.

3: How dense the population is.

Easter News: Wayne Rooney is suing Tesco for reproducing his signature without permission on their hot cross buns...

Being unemployed for the first time in forty-odd years, yesterday, I had my interview for Universal Credit and she curtly informed me that I must be available for any manner of work that might crop up. She further advised that there were some current opportunities in data processing. I informed her that I couldn’t use a computer. She asked me if I had some kind of learning difficulties. I sez “No. It’s a condition of my bail...”


When it was snowing and blizzards in January, I got a case of Stella from the supermarket and stayed in and watched Netflix. It was horrible in February, so we went all inclusive to Spain and had a bender on the beach in the sunshine. It was raining at the beginning of March, so I sauntered into Wetherspoons every day and quaffed a few gin & tonics.

When the self-isolation/quarantine/lockdown gubbins started three weeks ago, we had a few nice warm days and then it went perishing cold, so I ordered a case of Malbec a dozen bottles of Moretti lager and have stayed at home, as per government guidelines. I’m beginning to think that I have a serious problem with the weather....

Childhood recollections: When I was a little kid, my father only ever hit me once but I'll never forget it. He was in a Ford Cortina...


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