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Sunday, 29 January 2017

Definitions.....


                            
ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR - A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage.

INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN - A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW - One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed.

And MY Personal Favourite!!

WRINKLES - Something other people have. Similar to my character lines.


                   


Friday, 27 January 2017

Are You A Doctor?


                                     

Last weekend, a bloke came off his motorbike right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around him, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No. He’s got my pizza!”
                           



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

                                


I'd just layed two intricate place settings at the dining table, using the best cutlery and crockery and then the missus walked in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until Friday!"

                                  


How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard, please. I’ve been there, done that and got the Tea-bag. The bloke who invented predictive text sadly passed away last week. His funfair will be healed on Sundial.


                       



They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow, smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?” "Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
                              



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.




                           



Monday, 23 January 2017

The Current State.....

                                  


I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed opinion on the current state of Premier League football?" "It's rubbish." she replied. "Total garbage." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

                                            


I was driving through Broadbottom village yesterday and saw a sign which read 'Max Speed 20'. I thought, "Many happy returns, Max. Have a superb day!



Beware! Sauntering into a restaurant dressed as a lobster can land you in hot water!

                                                       


Barmy Albert’s boss asked him: "Do you think you can come in on Saturday and Sunday this week? I know you do stuff at weekends, but I need you to work." "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is horrendous at weekends." "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" Albert replied:"Monday."

                                             


WEATHER WARNING!
Southerners: Snow, ice & blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised to remain indoors and not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....



                                                         


I checked and double checked the numbers, but I still could not believe it. 9-15 21-4 20-17.
I had finally done it! After many years of trying, I had finally got a hospital appointment.

When I was eventually admitted, the consultant told me that I had summat very rare. I asked him what it was and he replied, “A bed.” Meanwhile, in the adjacent ward this bloke was rescued from a building fire. He told the doctor "I have been here now for ages and all I'm getting to eat is haggis,tatties and neeps for every meal. The Doctor sez "What do you expect, this is the Burns Unit!"

                            


Yesterday, my elderly neighbour knocked on my door. "Can you open a bottle of gin for me?" he asked. "Of course," I replied. "Superb," he said, staggering in. "I've brought some tonic water."


                                      

Last Eastertide, whilst in America, my daughter and I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two automatic AK47 assault rifles then."

Thought for Thursday: The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven, says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
                                                    

I texted my daughter, asking her: ‘What Are You Doing Right Now?’ She texted back saying, ‘Probably failing my driving test...’ Apparently, her driving instructor told her to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked her, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" She said, "Because we're still in Doveholes."

                                                


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                                                 

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Trumps Inauguration....

  




It’s Donald Trump’s inauguration this week. He will pledge:” I’ll lead the country, with the best of my ability, which is terrific ability, by the way, because most folk agree that I have fantastic ability, so there’s no problem with my ability, you can trust my ability, believe me. We’re gonna build a wall and Pink Floyd will play for The Wall.....” I met an American guy in Manchester last week. He sez, “You see that building over there. Well, back in the States, we have buildings a hundred times bigger!” I replied, “Yeah, but that building is a lunatic asylum!”

                                   




Innit awful gerrin auld? Signs of ageing are when you're 18 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course. You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch Jeremy Kyle. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it. . You start to believe in the hereafter. You run upstairs and think, ‘What have I come up here after?’

                                   


A geezer put his four year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the correct thing to do." The next day grandad died! The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Wow! "Holy Gubbins!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was sweating like a Mexican bricklayer all day, couldn’t eat lunch and watched the clock. He reckoned if he could get by until midnight, then he would be alright. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never known you work so late. Wassup?" He sez, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a rotten day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on the front doorstep!"



                                     






If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com


                             

Homo-Slackarse-Erectus.....

They are referred to as “homo slackarse-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait.
The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly receives DSS, Housing Benefit, and full government care.   Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

Sunday, 8 January 2017

The Long New Year.....



QUOTE: I've never paid for sex. That said, I have had a lot of hookers chase me down the street - Bob Monkhouse.





It’s always a tad quiet on the showbiz front in January, so I sauntered down to the local Job Centre to see if any alternative employment opportunities beckoned. The clerk (She had a face like a murderers labourer) curtly informed yours truly that the only vacancies currently available were in data processing. I told her that I was unable to use a computer. She looked at me with much disdain and sez, “You can’t use a computer! Are you some kind of retard?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, “No. It’s a condition of my bail....”




                                   



Even this long after Christmastide, the missus is still not talking to me. But honestly, how was I supposed to know she didn't mean gift vouchers for the Spar? We've been together for almost a decade and I find out something new about the wife (I call her Viking, because she has a face like a Norse) every single day. Today I discovered she goes crackers if you cook bacon with her hair straighteners!

                                   


FOR SALE: Slightly used Christmas tree, only one month old. Branches a tad floppy. Many needles missing. Will include wilted fairy. Cost me £60. Will accept £40. Serious inquiries only...
                                                       



My father used to take me to school every day. He had to do. He was in the same class! I was terrible at spelling when I was at school. I did however, excel at Jograffy though. My dad worked for many years at a factory that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well, I think he did, because that’s all he ever brought home. He always encouraged me to save my money in a big grey metal box that was situated underneath the scullery sink. It was many years later that I discovered that it was actually a gas meter!

                                                     


Talk about exotic pastimes! If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. It cost Barmy Albert an arm and a leg!


                                         

Over Christmas & New Year, we had family from far and wide visiting. Everyone was encouraged to bring all their kids too. During dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

                                 


If any of my readers know how to repair or replace some broken hinges, my door is always open.


                                                     





2017 Resolutions! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                                   

Friday, 6 January 2017

Arranged marriages....



I told my son, "you will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "no way!"

I told him, "she is Bill Gates daughter."

He said, "yeah!"

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son,"

Bill Gates said, "no way!"

I told Bill Gates, "my son is the C.E.O. of the World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "okay!"

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the C.E.O.

He said, "no chance whatsoever!”

I told him, "my son is Bill Gates son-in-law.


He said, "okay!"

And that folks is exactly how politics works...

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Wishing You A Happy New Year 2017!!

                         


Happy New 2017! Even though we've been together for almost a decade, I find out something new about my missus every single day. Today I discovered she goes crazy if you cook bacon with her hair straighteners!

                                       


She bought me a thesaurus for Christmas. I looked through it, only to discover that all the pages are blank. There are no words to describe how disappointed I am!



                                      


I was talking down the last of the Christmas decorations and I went and dropped the flaming’ box of drawing pins so I spent half-an-hour picking them up. I think I've found them all but just in case I haven’t; I hid the wife's slippers!

                                        


It was New Years Day, when after a morning fishing in the ocean, a bloke is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by a Game Warden (who looks suspiciously like Blakey from ‘On The Buses’) asks him for his fishing licence. The fisherman informs the warden: "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day”. Friends with lobsters? Hmmmm. The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a licence. The fisherman turns to the warden and says: "If you don't believe me, then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says: "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and sez: "Lobsters? What lobsters?"

                                       


There were copious celebrity deaths in 2016. Yet another celeb demise was Eric Figgis, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, who sadly passed away. His funeral today was attended by a few showbiz friends and then we flushed him down the toilet.



                                 


Barmy Albert ended up in the canal again! Apparently, on New Years Eve, he had a new boozing partner. Non-Stick Nora sez that he was drinking with Gusto!


                                



2017 Resolutions! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year.

                                 


In 2017, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won't anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! Happy New Year to all my readers!!


                                              


Forty-Two Thoughts For 2017....

                   

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes.
2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there's a 50% chance you'll die within the next 3 years.
3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There's a 9% chance that you'll meet one of them in your lifetime.
4. Sleeping without a pillow reduces back pain and keeps your spine stronger.
5. A person’s height is determined by their father, and their weight is determined by their mother.
6. If a part of your body "falls asleep", You can almost always "wake it up" by shaking your head.
7. There are three things the human brain cannot resist noticing - food, attractive people and danger.
8. Right-handed people tend to chew food on their right side.
9. Putting dry tea bags in gym bags or smelly shoes will absorb the unpleasant odor.
10. According to Albert Einstein, if honey bees were to disappear from earth, humans would be dead within 4 years.
11. There are so many kinds of apples, that if you ate a new one every day, it would take over 20 years to try them all.
12. You can survive without eating for weeks, but you will only live 11 days without sleeping.
13. People who laugh a lot are healthier than those who don’t.
14. Laziness and inactivity kills just as many people as smoking.
15. A human brain has a capacity to store 5 times as much information as Wikipedia.
16. Our brain uses the same amount of power as a 10-watt light bulb!!
17. Our body gives enough heat in 30 minutes to boil 1.5 liters of water!!
18. The Ovum egg is the largest cell and the sperm is the smallest cell!!
19. Stomach acid (conc. HCl) is strong enough to dissolve razor blades!!
20. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day & while you walk, SMILE. It is the ultimate antidepressant.
21. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
22. When you wake up in the morning, pray to ask God's guidance for your purpose, today.
23. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
24. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, broccoli, and almonds.
25. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
26. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts and things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
27. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
28. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
29. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
32. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
33. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
34. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
35. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
36. Help the needy, Be generous! Be a 'Giver' not a 'Taker'
37. What other people think of you is none of your business.
38. Time heals everything.
39. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
40. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.