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Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Psychology & law....



A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside
you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's
table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess
you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO
MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".



Monday, 28 January 2013

So now we know!








Whilst perambulating down the High Street last weekend, I almost got run over by a lorry salting the road. I shouted, "You swine" ... through gritted teeth!

Recently appointed Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 World Cup. He has bought himself a new TV.


Thought for Thursday: A HMV gift voucher isn’t just for Christmas, It’s for life.

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his buggy. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It's John, and I'm OK thanks," he replied. "John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later." "That's mighty nice of you," John answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," John finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy, some driving and putting lessons, and some casual no-strings attached sex, John thanked his hostess. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile , "She won't know anything..she's at home isn't she??" "Nope....Under the buggy!" he explained.




If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the living daylights out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the ‘team’. Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana. Why, you ask? Because in their minds that is the way it has always been! This, my friends, is how Parliament operates and this is why, from time to time: ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                                              Send in the clowns.....





Wish I'd Said That!




 Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.  Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
            ~ Timothy Jones
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.  They said 'Let us pray.'  We closed our eyes.  When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
            ~ Desmond Tutu 
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
            ~ David Letterman 
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.  God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
            ~ Howard Hughes 
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
            ~ Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors.  Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
            ~ Betsy Salkind 
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
            ~ Jean Kerr 
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
            ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor 
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
            ~ Jeff Foxworthy 
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
            ~ Prince Philip 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
            ~ Emo Philips. 
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
            ~ Harrison Ford 
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
            ~ Spike Milligan 
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
            ~ Robin Hall 
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
            ~ Jean Rostand. 
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
            ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. 
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
            ~ WH Auden 
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
            ~ Jonathan Katz 
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
            ~ Johnny Carson 
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
            ~ Arthur C Clarke 
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
            ~ Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
            ~ Jimmy Durante 
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
            ~ John Glenn 
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
            ~ Steven Wright 
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
            ~ Doug Hamwell 
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
            ~ George Roberts 
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
            ~ Jonathan Winters 
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
            ~ Robert Benchley

Saturday, 19 January 2013

The Medium & Non-Stick Nora....








Non-Stick Nora went to see a psychic medium. She sat in a dark, foreboding parlour, whilst the spiritualist dealt tarot cards onto a green baize table, then delivered a most ominous prophecy. "There's no simple way to tell you this, so I'll just be frank. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a most violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Nora stared at the wizened countenance of the soothsayer, then at the flickering candelabra, then down at her knees. She exhaled deeply to compose herself and attempted to instigate some manner of karma within her being. She really had to know the absolute truth. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



Fascinating Fact: You don’t need me to tell you, because it’s a well known fact that Anfield is still one of the hardest premier league grounds to win at. So is this why Liverpool are struggling this season?



I ordered a burger in the cafe at Tesco. The waitress sez, “Would you like anything on it?” “Yeah”, I answered, “A fiver each way”....



I came home with a dozen red roses and the wife sez, "Okay, what have you been up to?" I replied, "I've slept with your sister." She screamed at me, "If you think that a lousy bunch of flowers is gonna get you off the hook for that, then you're sadly mistaken!" I said, "They're for your sister..."



Two village idiots were driving a truck down a narrow road in Derbyshire when they came to a low bridge. The sign said Headroom: 10 feet 11 inches, so they got out to measure their wagon. Unfortunately, the vehicle was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any police, let's go for it!"



Thought for Thursday: It's dead easy for any man to ascertain just how gorgeous any female in a room is, by the number of times his wife calls her a trollop....



The week before last, whilst I was putting away all Christmas stuff in the loft, I came across a 1977 copy of TV Times, or the Sex Offenders Register as it is now known...



Begin every conversation with, "Let me tell you about Austin Knight and his hilarious weekly column," and happiness, chortles and guffaws will permeate the atmosphere that surrounds you!. Everyone will want to be your best pal, your team leader will promote you, sales folk will give you lots of free stuff, the traffic cops will let you speed down the M67 and everyone will want to be as crazy as you are. Don't think it's true? There's only one way to find out. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and try it today. Now, get back to work!



Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Tesco Burger Latest!!






Them Tesco mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres. All this has stopped all them Jimmy Saddle jokes.

Tesco have a new pancake topping just in time for Shrove Tuesday. Yes folks, it's Golden Stirrup!


Everyone is complaining about horse meat in Tesco burgers, but no one sez nowt about the camel toes in Primark's leggings and what about My Lidl Pony??


Didn't wanna risk the burgers at Tesco, so we tried the meatballs instead. Must say, they were the dogs bollocks!!





                     Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable. 

Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!!

If you think the Horse Burgers in Tesco are bad, wait until you see their Unicorn on the Cob. 







I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter.... I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. 

Had a Tesco beef burger for lunch. It gave me the trots.

New Tesco burgers: Low in fat, high in Shergar.

Horse meat found in Tesco burgers! What are the odds on that?
  







I was in a Tesco cafe and the waiter asked me if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had a fiver each way!

Tesco's Veggie Burgers are even worse than their Horse meat Burgers...They contain Uni-Quorn


Tuesday, 15 January 2013

Homo Slackass-Erectus....

They are referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait.

The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly receives Job Seekers Allowance (although no jobs are sought) Housing Benefit and and full government care.

Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

Monday, 14 January 2013

All crumpled up innit!



"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said.
She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her bra once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Right-ho!" she said, "have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!


A special Christmas prezzie for my teenage daughter Susannah was a Shiat-Tzu puppy, which she has christened Alfie. I have another name for the cute canine. I call him ‘Handyman.’ Why? Well it’s because he does quite a few odd jobs around the house! I’ve tried to train the dog to perform his ablutions on a newspaper. The only problem is, he does it while I’m reading it!


Barmy Albert went to the doctors and opined, “I can’t sleep Doc.” The doctor replied, “Don’t worry Albert, I’ll write a prescription for some sleeping tablets, just take one an hour before going to bed at night.” Albert gazed at the GP in astonishment and sez, “No you don’t understand Doctor, I’m all right at night.”


Yesterday, I passed by a bloke who appeared to have parked his car in a ditch by the side of the road. I was utterly amazed and wondered how he could sleep with the horn blaring so loudly like it was.

A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it. No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music. Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist. The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded. "Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.


If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of three-dimensional human existences. Visit my website!!! www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! You can email me on austin.knight@homecall.co.uk now, assume a comical position and strike the pose. Now get back to work!










Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Yes, Prime Minister....




Can you imagine working for a company that only has a little more than 635 employees, but has the following Employee Statistics.


29 have been accused of spouse abuse,
>
7 have been arrested for fraud,
>
9 have been accused of writing bad cheques,
>
17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses,
>
3 have done time for assault,
>
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit,
>
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
>
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
>
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits,
>
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year,



And collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British taxpayer £92,993,748 in expenses!


Which organisation is this?



It's the 635 members of the House of Commons.

The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

What a bunch of crooks we have running our country - it says it all...

And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country - whilst trying to ensure that everyone else has the worst possible!

Saturday, 5 January 2013

Giraffe Fest!!

I was feeling rather inquisitive, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer...
Yup, there you are!
                           Camera Licking Giraffe!




Stare at the above picture long enough and you'll see a giraffe!





               





                                  



Let's hope the wind doesn't blow too hard ! The flowers have been meticulously placed to create the giraffes, even down to their eyelids and hair that lines their neck.   From Holland at the Dutch Bloemencarso Parade!


And finally....

       

Friday, 4 January 2013

Well that's it for another year!



Over the festive season, we had family and friends visiting from all over the place. They were encouraged to bring all their kids too. During a meal, my five-year-old niece stared at me constant, which I found quite disconcerting. The child could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for wine stains, wondered if I had ketchup round my gob, Checked if I was having a bad hair day, however, nothing stopped her from observing me. I tried my best to just ignore this unfortunate farrago, but finally it was too much for yours truly. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her odd behaviour and the table went silent for her response. My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Whilst putting away all Christmas stuff in the loft, I came across a 1977 copy of TV Times, or the Sex Offenders Register as it is now known...

I thought I'd have a change of career, so went to the Job Centre earlier today. The woman behind the desk sez, "All we have in are some positions in data administration." "I'm sorry" I replied, "but I can't use a computer." She glared at me and screamed, "You can't use a computer! Are you some kind of mental retard?" "No" I replied, "It's a condition of my bail"....


The missus was in bed with terrible influenza, so I said to her, "I really wish I could make you better."
She replied:  "Thanks a lot, but I'm sure the antibiotics will start working soon."  I sez,   "No, I meant bigger tits and smaller arse!"


There was a spendthift called Dave,

Who dug up a prostitutes grave,

She was mouldy as shit,

And was missing a tit,

But he thought, 'Think of the money I'll save!'


Spotted my next door neighbour Barmy Albert yesterday morning on the High Street, he's only got one arm, poor sod.  I shouted “Where you off to then Albert?” He said, “I'm going to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward innit, with one arm?” “Not really.” he replied. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

I was talking to a girl in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." Oh dear, hat and coat time already!


I phoned the RSPCA last week and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," she opined. "Are they moving?" "I'm not too sure, to be honest," I replied, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Barmy Albert asked me, "What's your favourite mythical creature?" I replied, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."

Breaking News: Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of Humus and Taramasalata. Yes folks, it's a double dip recession!


More Breaking News: A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.


Thought for Thursday: I just found out, my extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.


Happy New 2013! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. Now, get back to work!


Thursday, 3 January 2013

Battle of the sexes....


Police Arrest.....



"Pardon the interruption, kind sir, and I'm most awfully sorry to bother you but would you mind terribly if I asked you - in the gentlest and friendliest terms, mind you - whether you might consent to considering yourself under arrest?"


Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Kids Jokes....



Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.



Over Christmas & New Year we had family from far and wide visiting us and everyone was encouraged to bring all their kids as well.    All during dinner my four-year-old niece stared at me sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.   I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.   I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me. Smiling, I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"   Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.  My little niece said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."





'Mummy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,   'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'   The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'  'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and

daddy got a divorce..'   'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

 'Because you got an F in sex.'



2013!!!




Happy New 2013! Get out of your old rut. Start a new rut. Spread malicious rumours on a daily basis. Stop returning things you borrow. Quit your job to pursue your lifelong dream of becoming a window cleaner. Celebrate Christmas every day. Leave the decorations and the tree up until next year. Now, get back to work!