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Monday, 30 April 2012

Wettest Drought In History!





This must be the wettest drought in our meteorological history. I’ll tell ya summat. If this is a drought, I’m not hanging around for the rainy season! It only rained twice on Sunday. From 6 am until noon, then from noon until 6 am! Moreover, I was in B & Q yesterday, and saw Noah. He was buying loads of nails, guttering and decking. Batten down the hatches folks, the May monsoon is a-comin’!!

This week, on 5 Live, Mark Chapman has raised the subject of The Sun's "Woy" headline, and talked himself up a gum tree. Motty has come to Woy's defence, pointing out that he speaks five languages. They are: Wussian, Wumanian, Wuwandan, Womansh, and Serbo-Cwoat. The F.A.'s David Bernstein says The Sun's behaviour is "wepwehensible".

While watching a movie at the local bughut recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can’t hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

I took the missus to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said “Your wife's mind has completely gone!” To which I replied “I'm not surprised. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the past ten years.”

Some Saturdays, I like to go to the DW Stadium. I'm not a Wigan fan or anything. I just like some time on my own and a bit of peace and quiet.

Pets can be most problematic. I took my goldfish to the vets to see if there was any treatment available that might cure his chronic epilepsy. The vet had a quick shufty and sez, "He seems quite tranquil and calm to me" I replied, "Yeah, but wait while I take him out of his bowl." What compounded this already unfortunate farrago was the fact that I'm really worried about my parrot as well. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I really hate my life". The missus is far too selfish to notice any of this. She’s constantly crying and refuses to come out of the coal-hole.

I walked into my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife’, and the landlord exclaimed, "Your missus looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you?" "Whatever you've been drinking, mate."

Fascinating Fact; Did you know that if you place your ear up to a complete stranger's foot, you can actually hear them saying, "What the flamin’ hell are you doing?!"

"I am in serious financial trouble?" cried my tearful octogenarian relative. "My winter fuel allowance didn’t cover my enormous gas bill."   "But it is rather large, maybe they’ve read your meter incorrectly, or have you had the heating on full blast 24 hours a day?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and other stuff for some people," she opined. "But, the bill is nearly fifty thousand quid!" I replied. "Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?”

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website http://www.comedianuk.com/
 or email me: comedianuk@sky.com     Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


                                                             VIAGRA Head Office.

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Alex Ferguson drops Howard Webb for crucial derby match




Alex Ferguson has controversially dropped talismanic referee Howard Webb from Man Utd's starting 12 for the crucial Premier League clash with Man City, and will instead hand a start to Andre Marriner.

Early reports indicated that crowd favourite Webb would line up for the league leaders, but news has now surfaced that Ferguson is to take a gamble on Marriner.

Marriner, who has only made 3 starts for Man Utd this season, is a surprise selection by Ferguson, given Webb's ability to pull highly contentious decisions out of the bag in big matches.
"Webby has put in some great performances for us in the past, but I feel the expectation levels of supporters could be too much for him on this occasion," revealed Ferguson.

"I might put him on the bench as an impact referee in case we need one of their players sending off or a penalty deep into stoppage time."

Manchester Derby
The news of Marriner's inclusion has left United fans miffed given Ferguson's criticism of his performance in a 2-0 defeat to Liverpool in 2009.
"It doesn't make any sense not to include Webbo," said avid fan John Henderson, who has lived in Plymouth all his life and whose only connection with Manchester is that he once voted for Bez when he was on Celebrity Big Brother.
"In games like this you want your best performers on the pitch, and Webbsio pulling the strings is as good as going into the game with a two-nil lead."

"I hope that Ferguson has seen something in Marriner in training that suggests he can rise to the occasion."
"If City have still got eleven men on the pitch at half-time then I'll be singing Webbsyio's name."
"I'll be singing it at the TV, but rest assured that the wife will be left in no doubt about how angry I am."




                                              MUFC KIT LAUNCH 2012/2013
                                                        http://www.comedianuk.com/







Sunday, 22 April 2012

Change of password...




Stop thief! Yesterday, I was robbed at the petrol station. It really is quite appalling here where I live at the moment. I contacted the local constabulary and they asked if I suspected who had perpetrated this dastardly crime. "It was pump number twelve." I curtly informed them!

A guy meets his ex-wife's new boyfriend and, in an attempt to piss him off, asks: "How's the second-hand fanny you're pumpin?"  The boyfriend smiles and says: "The first three inches are a bit slack, but the rest is brand new".

Just recently purchased the Arsenal Football Club electronic toy figurines. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that full back Sagna, wasn’t in the box! I have just contacted the suppliers for an explanation. They said to me that Bacary's not included!

I looked out of my window and saw a gaggle of folk meandering around a bloke who had just come off his motorbike. I frantically rushed over. "Get out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. "Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed. "No" I replied, "He's got my pizza."

There’s no pleasing the missus. I arrived at our house to pick her up and with arms folded in a nonchalant manner, she proclaimed, "I'm not riding with you on that thing." I sez, "Come on! Hop on we'll arrive at the pub in style, apart from that, it's a classic from the 1970’s!" She gazed at me and replied, “But, it's a Space Hopper."

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman. In the front of the plane. Then a man from Newcastle stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer Pet."


Try this! 1. While sitting at your table or desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make

clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right

hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so, and there’s nothing you can do about it!


Anyway, I've had enough! I have wound up the cat and put the clock out. I'm off to perform ablutions with a talking book, a pint of whelks, a 1920 Chocolate Muraga Cake (steamed) my Granny's old stone chamber pot with an eye painted on the bottom, a Braille jig-saw, a singing skipping rope, a whistling blood pressure kit, a packet of Phensic, a stirrup pump, a car jack, a bottle of Afghan Merlot (end of bin) and two Carter’s Little Liver pills. I hope to experience that ‘return to the womb’ feeling of comfy-down safety with a generous line of slug pellets around me bed! And they have the audacity to suggest that I am mad! You’d be mad not to visit my website though. http://www.comedianuk.com/    Email me: comedianuk@sky.com




Technology imitates history?

Friday, 20 April 2012

I’m gonna leave everything to you, my darling...



Whilst sitting watching the footie on Sunday, I called to the missus in the scullery: “When I snuff it, I’m gonna leave everything to you, my darling.” She hollered back: “You already do, you lazy cretin!”


As the coffin was being lowered at the traffic wardens funeral, a voice from within the casket shouted, “I’m not dead, I'm not dead!!” to which the vicar replied "Sorry pal, the paperworks already been done! Schadenfreude personified innit!

In a criminal justice system based on twelve individuals not smart enough to duck out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of: A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look. However, your client didn't."

The wife put a gun to my head and said, ''Do you love me?'' ''Depends, what's for dinner?'' I said. ''There's a gun to your head and all you care about is dinner!'' she said angrily. ''Yes!'' I replied, ''With your cooking, I might just want you to pull the trigger!'' She’s a terrible cook. She uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

"What would you like?" enquired the barman. "What would I like?" I replied, "A bigger house, more money and a wife that doesn’t nag as much." "No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery, or for my mother-in-law emigrate to a far-away land and for my daughter Susannah to do well in her forthcoming exams!" "What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy."

The missus popped her head out of the door and said "Flamin’ hell love, it's warmer out there than it is in here. "You're not wrong, sweetheart." I replied. "Now get back in the fridge."

Why do folk say ‘sound as a pound?’ The pound is far from sound at the moment.

You don't see Italians going around saying 'Securo as a Euro', do you? But you can do a hokey-cokey with the jokey-oke from my Jokey-Blog. Just click on: http://www.comedianuk.com/
 Roll on Whit week! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com




THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER ....



Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100.


If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this..

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay £1.

The sixth would pay £3.

The seventh would pay £7.

The eighth would pay £12.

The ninth would pay £18.

And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.



So, that's what they decided to do.



The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20.” Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody's share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a 100% saving).

The sixth man now paid £2 instead of £3 (a 33% saving).

The seventh man now paid £5 instead of £7 (a 28% saving).

The eighth man now paid £9 instead of £12 (a 25% saving).

The ninth man now paid £14 instead of £18 (a 22% saving).

And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59 (a 16% saving).

Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.

But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got £1 out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got £10"

"Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved £1 too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me"

"That's true" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10 back, when I only got £2? The wealthy get all the breaks"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next week the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important - they didn't have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill.

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.


David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.  -  Professor of Economics.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.- For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible



Friday, 13 April 2012

A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE....





I wouldn't normally include stuff like this on here, but it struck a chord....
READ THIS  ~ LET IT REALLY SINK IN - THEN CHOOSE .


John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'   He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.   Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'   He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood,   I choose to be in a good mood.'



Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.  After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.   I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?'   I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.
'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked  He continued, '..the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'


'What did you do?' I asked.  'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes', I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'!   Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.  Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 


Forward it to the people you care about.   You know the choice I made....

http://www.comedianuk.com/

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Titanic Centenary....



This week observes the centenary of the tragic sinking of the Titanic. Exactly one hundred years ago, relations of the passengers who sailed on the doomed vessel were stood on the docks at Southampton, frantically awaiting news of their loved ones. Suddenly, a ten foot tall polar bear pushed his way through the assembled throng and shouted, “Any news about the iceberg, pal?”


All the newspapers of the day published massive headlines with regard to the calamity: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Gorton & Openshaw Reporter however, carried a much more conservative approach in its reporting of the incident, there was a little column at the foot of page nineteen which read: ‘Rochdale Man Drowns.’

Last night, the missus was most upset. "I met this horrible and very rude man in town this morning, and right away I knew he was a panjandrum and a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really foul language, he even threatened to kill me!" she opined. "Exactly how did you meet this crazy geezer?" I asked, showing concern. She gazed at me and replied, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several streets away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do.'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do indeed.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom imploded with raucous laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

I hope I live to be as old as my jokes. I pray that all my friends will live as long as the DFS sale continues! You too can discover the elixir of mirth by visiting my all new joke blog. Click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link. You can also gizza tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk . Email me: comedianuk@sky.com


Monday, 2 April 2012

Angela Merkels Summit....



I said to the missus yesterday morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper how blades of grass can actually feel pain. Truly amazing isn't it?" She replied, "Nice try, fishface. Now go and get the lawnmower out of the garage." One thing is for sure. If I drag the barbeque out of the garage, it’ll start raining.


During a gig in Blackpool at weekend, I asked a couple in the audience if they were married. He nodded and then she declared, “I’m his second wife.” Quick as a flash, I retorted, “Well, you wouldn’t be my first choice!” Oh, folly of follies. Hat and coat time already!

Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and sez, "Nationality?" She says, "German."  He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

Whilst attending an appointment with a fortune teller, she advised me that a lot of money was coming my way. I was extremely excited about this, until I got knocked over by a Securicor van. Talk about amazing coincidences! Last week I got knocked over by a mobile library. I was screaming in pain in the middle of the road and the librarian came out and went “Ssshh!” You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Okay, so I've managed to get a jerry can full of petrol back home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties. Reflecting on the current petrol crisis, I suppose that Andy Carrol is a typical example of what happens when panic buying sets in!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and drove a Porche and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot. He drank beer, scotch, smoked cigars and cigarettes. He went on holidays whenever he wanted and played video games all weekend and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and never made his bed and farted whenever he wanted and lived Happily ever after. The End.

Upon arriving home from my local tavern, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, the missus hollered at me: "I can't believe how intoxicated you are." Firmly denying this, I replied, "I am not bladdered." "Yes you are." She insisted. No, I'm definitely not." I objected. She said, "Okay then, can you tell the time?" Apparently, I walked up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez, "I'm definitely not drunk."

Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage.

Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: http://www.comedianuk.com/ or better still, gizzus a tweet on www.twitter.com/comedianuk
 You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com