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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Breakfast in bed...


The missus fetched me breakfast in bed early this morning. "Many happy returns!" She announced. Somewhat perplexed, I replied, "It ain't my birthday." "I know," she screamed, nonchalantly pouring a cafetiere of boiling hot coffee into my lap, "It's mine, you absent-minded cretin!" I must admit that I have become rather forgetful of late. I forgot to go to the gym yesterday. That's fifteen years on the trot now!



Sir Alex Ferguson sends Arsene Wenger a message asking him to come up to Old Trafford. The next day Arsene goes up to Manchester. He walks into the boardroom and is greeted by Sir Alex. Arsene says, "I've heard a rumour you're retiring soon. Do you want me to step into your shoes?" Sir Alex says, "No... I just wanted to show you what a shed load of trophies look like."


The missus phoned me from the Trafford Centre. "I can't remember where I’ve parked the car!" she whined. "Don't panic love. Just look round for a small gathering of men slowly shaking their heads and tut-tutting.  Mind you, she really let her hair down last night. She's only gone and dyed it ginger....


Large crystal ball for sale. £40, but you will knock me down to £28.50.


On the home improvement front, I've just had a state of the art electronic garage door installed. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears the wifes voice. To be honest, I ain't seen it shut yet...



I think more riots are starting. I was walking home from work and there were cars dumped all over the place and smashed to bits. So be careful if you're going past the Women's Institute.

In a moment of madness, while the wife was away, I took this girl back to the house, "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she opined. "What gives you that idea?" I asked. "The scissors" she replied.


How do you expect kids to listen to their parents and behave themselves in a proper fashion when Tarzan lives half-naked, Cinderella stops out until midnight, Pinocchio is an inveterate liar, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at excessive speeds, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with seven stange blokes. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from story books.  Typical innit!  Especially regarding GCSE's, when they text each other thus: "Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro."  I think I can tell you your English result already if you want....


Thought for Thursday: Marriage is betting someone half your money and possessions, that you'll love them forever.


They say you can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example if it's in a ditch, then it most probably belongs to a woman. Further examples of rapier wit, funny jokes, hilarious diatribes and gear to get yer guffaw glands going can be found at my website: www.Comedian.ws. email me: comedianuk@sky.com.

Monday, 22 August 2011

An inveterate namedropper...

If women controlled the world....


Whilst shopping in Tesco yesterday, I was surprised to bump into Bono from U2.  I said "Alright mate?" and he warbled "No, I still haven't found what I am looking for". The plot thickened. I spied Paul Simon in the Post Office, he was buying TV licence stamps.  I said "Hey Paul, what was that song you recorded in the eighties?" "You can call me Al" he curtly informed me. "Okay Al, what was that song you did in the eighties?"
You would never believe who I met in Greggs. Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals. He told me that he might be moving to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there.  Fascinating!




Took the sprog Susannah out to Manchester.  We went to see Disney On Ice. Neither of us were impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer.



Waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.   Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,

Two in the front seats and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding,

but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The efficient copper, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask is everyone in this car OK?” These women seem awfully shaken,

And they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer..... We've just come off the A120."



A bunch of looters broke into Huddersfield police station and nicked all the Sat-Navs. Police say they're looking for Leeds.



Two blondes were walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. First blonde sez to the other, “these are moose tracks” the other replies” No, they’re not you Bozo, these are deer tracks" and they both began to argue. Three hours later the police report stated that two women were standing over some tracks when a train hit them.



I had a potentially embarrassing moment yesterday. I bumped into my father at a brothel in the centre of town. . It all turned out ok though. He was only there to pick up my mum.  





Thought for Thursday: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx.



I am working away now for the next few weeks, so this column will return in the autumn. Enjoy the rest of the monsoon and we’ll touch base again when all the trees are bereft of their foliage. You can get a chortle by visiting my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.Comedian.ws and remember that the moon belongs to everyone. Email me: comedianuk@sky.com


If women controlled the world....










Thursday, 18 August 2011

Post hoc ergo propter hoc....


 

All the fighting, smashing windows and looting has ruined the summer for me. I'll be glad when the kids go back to school! I hear on the grapevine that looting may have occurred at the City of Manchester Stadium. There is now only one trophy left in the cabinet. Moreover, Roberto Mancini is looking for a house in Manchester. He dosen’t want anything too flash. Just a two up - three down will do.


The police stopped a Scouser on a moped with a fifty inch widescreen plasma TV, with surround sound. The efficient copper sez “What’s all this then?” The Scouser replied, “It’s me Sat Nav.”

The missus (or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) was limping down the High Street yesterday. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy stare she gave me would have stopped a clock! Looks like I’ll be kipping on the sofa for the next few days/weeks/months. It dosen’t bother us lads. It’s just like camping innit!

Yesterday afternoon, the German Shepherd from next door leapt over the fence and urinated on my front lawn. It gets worse. This morning, he brought his dog with him!

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

The sprog Susannah wanted me to find her a summer job. She asked me to check with my friends, my business associates. Then she asked me to run off a hundred copies of her resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Part-Time Employment section of the newspaper. I asked her how she wanted to describe herself in the ad. She said, "A self-starter!" You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

Five Pearls of Wisdom to Remember:

1) Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Bentley Turbo than it is on a moped.

2) Forgive your enemy, but always remember the blackguard’s name.

3) Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4) Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5) Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

Mr. Tickle was really excited about marrying his girlfriend Tess. Tess, however, wasn't too sure about her new name!





I was watching the women's golf earlier.  They couldn't drive, but boy, could they use an iron !


Thought for Thursday: Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know!

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!





                       Can you spot the 4th Friend in the pic above?





Thursday, 11 August 2011

Aromatic fragrances used to stimulate sales!

Sense of Freshness....







Recently a new supermarket opened in Manchester, UK.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

 
Just before it starts misting, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.



 

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of freshly cut hay.





In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


 
 
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
 
 
 



The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.  


Of course, I don't buy my bog rolls from here...





Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Riots Latest!! ~ Cameron asserts authority...



Breaking News: Riot Latest!! Manchester Gay Village is on fire. Police and fireman are at the scene, together with a construction worker, a red indian and a cowboy...


In an effort to calm things in Tottenham, Spurs manager Harry Redknapp has signed several new 'ethnic' players ahead of their game against Everton on Saturday. - Olaf a De Fires, French international Andrei Grabatelly, German winger Nick De Cashtill and the Japanese twins Rio Ting and Lou Ting.

Wheres that f***ed up Norwegian guy who likes shooting teenagers en masse when you need him?


ITV: Next week on Jeremy Kyle Show ~ " i fink my gf cheated while i was out rioting.'"





Banana Army sent in to stop looters....



           It didn't work though....

More Riots & Looting....



The looting has continued at the City of Manchester Stadium. There is only one trophy left in the cabinet...




 It's official! The recession is over! Shops across the UK have reported stock flying off the shelves at an unprecedented rate...


 Breaking News: Riots, thieving & looting across the UK! The citizens of London call it ' Totally appalling'. People in Birmingham say 'it's a disgrace'. Liverpool call it 'Monday'....
 
 




Bunch of looters broke into Huddersfield POLICE STATION and nicked all the SatNavs. Police say they're looking for Leeds.


Reports suggest 150 looters have broken into Birmingham City's "St. Andrews" football ground. Club officials are asking if this can be used as a record attendance...

Manchester City owner Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan has asked manager Roberto Mancini how close he is to a premier league winning side. Mancini replied "About 5 miles away"...


Things are quiet on the comedy front, so I’ve just got a temporary job. Washing dishes. Unfortunately, it's at Jodrell Bank.

The missus said she's leaving me because I never listen to her properly. Meat pie, chips, and mushy peas, I replied.


Two blondes were walking through the bush when they came across some tracks.One blonde says to the other " these are moose tracks " the other replies " they're not you Bozo, they are deer tracks" and they both began to argue. Three hours later the police report stated that two women were standing over some tracks when a train hit them.




Red sky at night ~ Shepherds delight?  Nope.  Red sky at night ~ Londons on fire!  (Plus Manchester/Nottingham/Birmingham) I pray that all my friends will live as long as the DFS fire sale continues!  You too can discover the elixir of mirth by visiting my all new joke blog. Click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the link.  You can also gizza tweet on Twitter!  www.twitter.com/comedianuk .  Nick Clegg, Listen up! Get sweeping up that debris!  Davey
Cameron is-a-comin'!








Monday, 1 August 2011

Odd Job Man....

I was in my local pub, the ‘Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’, celebrating my £100 million windfall on the lottery when the ex-wife walked in and demanded half. I said, "Sure, it's the least I can do." She said, "What, are you serious? Thank you, thank you so much" I said, "Alright love, calm down. Do you want Fosters or Carling?"




I hear on the grapevine that Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon has divorced his third wife. He reckons he needed more space!



Having accompanied the missus for her annual check up, while she was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to me, "I don't like the way she looks." "Neither do I," I sez. " But she's good with the kids”.



Discovery of a new diet. This one definitely works. - Just fill up your car with petrol and you won't be able to afford to buy any food!



An odd-job man who advertised in the local paper was totally useless. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do whilst I was out at work. When I came back, he'd only done 1,3,5,and 7.



I know how to reduce unemployment in Britain. Raise the school-leaving age to 46 !



One afternoon a solicitor was travelling in his Bentley Turbo when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his chauffeur to stop the car and got out to investigate. He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer proclaimed. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man, he sez, "You may come with us too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, began grovelling and said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring all of them along," the solicitor answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the Bentley was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and sez, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is over two feet high!"

I cleared out my grandmothers house today, I put the good stuff on E-Bay and I took the rest down to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market,

I can’t wait to see her face when she gets back from Bingo.



Thought for Thursday: Opinions are like armpits. Everyone has two of them and they usually stink.

If you need a smile, then text me. If you need a laugh, why not call me. If you need a hug, come round to my house. If you need money; then my number does not exist! You can visit my website though. Just click on: www.ComedianUK.com or send us a tweet on www.twitter.com/comedianuk