The Artist Formerly Known as Prince...

                                          

Breaking News: Although Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has relinquished his titles, he’s received two new titles. The first one is that he is to be referred to as: ‘The Artist formerly Known as Prince’, and he’s also the recipient of: ‘The Order of the Boot.’

                                  

Non-Stick Nora inadvertently locked her keys in her Reliant Robin Interceptor at Scropton Street back snicket. She looked around and spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.” So, she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.” Just seconds later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the back snicket. A bearded ruffian in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?” She explained, “Barmy Albert is ill. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?” The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked. Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!" The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft." Nora hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a seasoned professional!"

Last week, two monsters attended a Halloween Party, one monster sez to the other: “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied: “Be a gentleman and roll them back!”

The three most difficult things for a man to say:

1) I was wrong.

2) I need help.

3) One smart fellow, he felt smart, two smart fellows, they both felt smart…

                            

I visited North Wales last week and couldn’t figure out if the road signs that advised “20” were actually miles per hour or the number of Labour voters left in Wales. Methinks the latter option would be the answer. My doctor is Welsh and he has prescribed me Prestatins…

Young Willy Eckerslyke sauntered into the local library and asked the librarian: “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s Dog or Schrodinger’s Cat?” The librarian replied: “ It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

The missus phoned me from Aldi and was really annoyed and incandescent with rage about the inept cashier at the checkout. I asked her: “Are you in the self-checkout?” She replied: “Yes, I am. How did you know?”

I’m an international comedian. I’m out of work all over the world. I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician and a Czech one too Czech one too. You’re Russian to get to the bathroom. You’re European when you’re in the bathroom. You’re Finnish when you leave the bathroom. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Abattoir, Barmy Albert’s foreman told him: “ This is the fifth consecutive day in a row that you’re late for work. What conclusions do you reckon I make based on that?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “That today is Friday?”

                            

Trick or Treat Time...

                                                       

                        

Every Halloween, a funeral director I know always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there were ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be absolutely hilarious! Bonfire night looms ominously in the future, too. Rumour has it that you should never return to a firework that hasn’t gone off. My back garden has been off-limits since 2001.

                        

Last Sunday, I decided not to alter all the clocks. I’m just gonna watch ITV+1 for the next six months

Avoid burning your Hawaiian pizza by setting the oven at aloha temperature.

The wedding ceremony reached an awkward moment when the vicar asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts ambling towards the priest. The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued as the bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back." And that, dear reader, illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.



Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick-or-Treating:

10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.

8. You ask for high fibre treats only.

7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. Folk say, “Brilliant Kier Starmer mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens, you shout: “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a zimmer frame.

1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.


                             

I remember going to Blackpool for my holidays, and I went on a donkey. It took me a fortnight to get there.



After six attempts, Non-Stick Nora finally passed her driving test. Barmy Albert asked if her if he could buy her something as a celebratory present. She told him, "Just something cheap to run around in. So, he bought her a pair of trainers from Aldi....



Fascinating Fact: Work out how dead you are by simply putting the percentage sign after your age.



If you’re skint and desperately need a job, then apply to Search and Rescue. Apparently, they’re always looking for people.



If drinking alcohol damages short-term memory, then just imagine what drinking alcohol can do.



If you fancy a pre-Christmas laugh, then why not book for my comedy show at the Premier Lounge, Audenshaw, M34 5LP on 14th December. Irish comic Dusty Young and comedy songsmith Dom Collins will be appearing with me. It’ll be a reet good chortle. Contact the venue on 0161 337 9283 and book early!

                       

                          

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

                                           

Crazy Davey Swazee, a political science student, was compiling a thesis explaining what happened when he wore a Kier Starmer T-shirt for a whole week. So far, he’s been sworn at, spat at, pushed and slapped. He’s been left wondering what will happen when he leaves the house!

                                             

 

Last Sunday, my daughter Suzie called around and whilst having a cup of tea, she shouted, “Alexa, play ‘Let it Go’.” I told her that when I was her age, I had to phone up the BBC Light Programme, wait on hold for an hour to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play, so that I could record it. She then advised me: “I honestly don't know what any of that means.”

Young Willy Eckerslyke and his brother Woody stagger out of The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub after a long night playing darts and dominoes, jump in the car, and start driving. A couple of minutes pass, and there's a tap on the window. Willy turns and screams, “There’s an old man’s ghost face at the window!” Woody then puts his foot right down on the accelerator, but the face remains there. The old man taps again and says softly: “You got any chewing gum?” The terrified Willy hands him a Wrigley's Spearmint and screams to his brother Woody, “STEP ON IT!” A few minutes later, they're laughing nervously when—tap-tap- tap—the old man's back, with a cigar in his gob! “Do you have a light?” he whispers. The lighter is passed quickly out of the window, and Willy shouts, “Drive!” Now the speedometer reads 100 mph, they are both white-knuckled and perspiring, when once again—tap-tap-tap. The window is rolled down slowly... “WHAT NOW?” Young Willy screams. The old fella smiles and sez calmly: “Do you need a push getting out of this mud?”

                                                        

Non-Stick Nora was enjoying a game of bingo with all her friends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and get tea ready for Barmy Albert. " When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a tin of Whiskas cat food. With no time to go to Aldi, she opened the tin of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted Albert warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it and announced, "Nora, this is the best dinner you've made me in twenty-five years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every bingo day from then on, Nora made Albert the exact same grub. She told her bingo partners about it, and they were all flabbergasted. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, Albert was in Tameside hospital with numerous fractures and severe cuts and bruises. The women were sitting around the bingo hall and one of them said, "You nearly killed him. We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would have serious consequences!” "How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you caused serious injuries to your husband?" With all the dignity that she could muster, Non-Stick Nora stoically replied, "I didn't injure him at all. He fell off the shed roof when he was chasing a pigeon." Don’t ask meow!

Q: What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A: A Cameron Diaz

My mate Dave works as a road sweeper. I asked him, "What qualifications do you need for that job?" He replied: "None, you just pick it up as you go along!"

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
                                  

Scropton Street Wimmins Assoc....

                              

The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Get your head around this. The new Chief Constable of Merseyside has to find savings of £31 million. Meanwhile, Liverpool FC is buying a player for £125 million! The maths are easy. Draw your own conclusions about the state of our society. We’re all doomed!

A Police traffic officer was patrolling late at night around Stalybridge and Mottram. At almost midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in a cul-de-sac lane, with the interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer shufty. He observes a young bloke behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young lady in the rear seat, filing her nails. Somewhat perplexed by this unusual scenario, the efficient policeman walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The copper asks: "What are you up to, at this late hour?" The young fella sez: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the traffic cop asked: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the copper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a dark lane, and nothing is happening! The traffic cop asks: "How old are you, young man?" The young guy tells him, "I'm 21, sir." The policeman then asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man glances at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Not sure what they see in each other. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

                           

Are you skint and have to use the food bank, but worried the neighbours will see you with all those bags? Do what I do and wear a tuxedo and carry it back in a cello case.

At the Scropton Street Women's Association, Non-Stick Nora was conducting a seminar on female empowerment and how to coexist in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" Every woman raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't recollect. The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husbands - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the reply they received in response to their text message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest manner?

1 Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you ill or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you prang the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

                     

 


As I was driving home last night, I spotted a group of folks on all fours in the central reservation who appeared to be eating grass. I stopped the car and asked what was going on. The bloke told me that they were asylum seekers who had come over from Calais and rather than go on the Bibby Stockholm migrant barge or to Rwanda, they had decided to fend for themselves. They had no money or resources and therefore were forced to eat grass. There was this middle-aged Albanian bloke and his three younger brothers.

I was utterly astounded at their predicament and told them to get into my car, because I intended to take them all to my house. I’d only travelled about 500 yards when I spied another group of people on their hands and knees eating grass. I asked the bloke if he knew who they were. He told me in broken English that they were other male members of his Albanian family who were also destitute and forced to eat grass.

He asked me if I could pick up these other members of his family and take them all to my house. It was then that I got quite annoyed and said to him “Hang on a minute! How big do you think my lawn is?”

The Ghastly Starmergeddon Farrago....

                                

After listening to Starmer’s drivel at the Labour Conference in Liverpool last week, I’m thinking of contacting Spiderman and asking him how he gets by hanging on by a thread every single day…

Barmy Albert gets himself a side hustle working as a part-time receptionist for his local doctor's surgery. One afternoon, the doctor asks Albert: "Please keep an eye out for any patients who might come in, then you can leave at six like normal. I've got to rush out on an emergency." The following morning, the doctor asked Albert how he was doing. Albert tells him: "There were three patients. The first had a cough, so I gave him a cough mixture." The doctor nods and sez: "Good, good, and next?" Albert advises: "The second, he says he got an allergy to grass, so I give him an antihistamine. "Again, the doctor nods and asks: "And then?" Albert replies: "Well, the third, she was a woman. She comes in, completely disrobes all her clothes, climbs stark naked on the examination table, and tells me that she hasn't seen a man in over three years." "Gadzooks!" exclaims the doctor. "So what did you do?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Albert replies, "I did what any man would do. I put eyedrops in her eyes."

Fascinating Fact: I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

Non-Stick Nora was on the 237 bus and noticed that a handsome bloke was eyeing her up. She smiled at him and sez: “Hello.” He approached her and asked: “Can I be candid with you?” Nora replied: “Of course you can.” He told her: “Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you back to my place.” “Fantastic!” Nora replied: “Are you married?” He told her: “No. I’m a dentist.”

The missus was struggling to open a can of tuna. I asked her what the problem was. She opined, “Our can opener is broken.” I informed her: “So it’s actually a can’t opener!” She replied, “I can’t believe I married you!”

Further Fascinating Factoid: The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

                         

  

Chester Draws, the manager of Scropton Street Nursery, the local garden centre, overhears young Willy Eckerslyke, one of his staff members, advising a customer: “No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,” he says. “And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.” As the customer leaves, Chester saunters over to give young Willy a thorough scolding. ”Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,” he sez. “Whatever they want, we can always get it on order and deliver it to their home the following day. Do you understand?” Willy nods in agreement with him. “Anyway, what did he want?” asks the manager. Willy replied: “Rain.”

Yesterday was a sad day. The inventor of hard-boiled eggs, wrapped in pork sausage meat and coated in breadcrumbs, passed away earlier yesterday. RIP. Scott Chegg.

At this time of year, owls normally commence their courtship rituals; however, this has not happened this year due to the recent torrential rain. Apparently, it's too wet to woo.

Top Tip: Want to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex? Just stand on a railway platform, noting down train numbers.



Furthermore Fascinating Factoids: If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it's simply an O.

                                  

Non-Stick Nora's Naughty Nephew!

                            

The ghastly Starmergeddon farrago continues apace! At the Labour conference in Liverpool this week, he announced his next folly is to issue digital ID cards to everyone. He should be advised that my mate Sid had his ID stolen. We just call him ‘S’ nowadays…

                                 

Non-Stick Nora had to pick up her nephew, Tarquin, from school. She asked him how his day went, and the little boy sez: "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje, and he unbuttoned her shirt, then he took her bra off, and then..." Nora replied: "Let's save the rest of the story for when Uncle Albert comes home for his tea." Albert appears for his tea, and Nora asks the little boy, "How was your walk to school again?" Tarquin says, "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje,he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off..." Nora asked him, "And what happened next?" And the little boy told her: "And then Uncle Albert and Auntie Marje started doing the same thing that you and Uncle Tommy did when Uncle Albert was working on the nightshift!” Kid’s eh? Doncha just luvvem!

I come from a large family of failed stage magicians. I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. That appalling performance ultimately led to my father being fired. Unfortunately, it was from a cannon! Luckily, they don’t make men of his calibre anymore. Even the family dog was a ‘magical mutt’ and dabbled in magic. He was a labracadabrador.

Fascinating Fact: When a bird kills another bird, that’s considered a burder. That is the birdict!

Two kids attending a wedding, one of them leaned over to the other and asked him: “How many wives can a man have? “His pal answered: “Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer!”

A friend asked me, "Have you tried blindfold archery?" I replied: "Never." He sez: "You don't know what you're missing!" He told me that the class was at the local village hall. He then advised: “Just follow the arrows on the floor…”

                                         

 

A Geordie woman asked her friend: “Does it hurt to get a tattoo?” Her friend replied: “It depends on the area.” The Geordie woman sez: “I’m from Sunderland.”

Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when young Willy Eckerslyke asked him, “If you had to choose, would you rather lose an arm or a leg?” Albert answered: “A leg. I need both arms to go fish.” Willy replied: “I need both arms to cuddle my girlfriend.” Albert sniffed and sez: “Sounds like you’ve never been fishing!”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle phoned Currys PC World Customer Services and opined: “We purchased a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The tech guy advised: “Press the big button.” Elsie told him: “I have done that.” The tech dude then told her, “Try the power cord at the back. Maybe it’s disconnected.” Elsie then advised him: “Just hold on while I go and get a torch.” The tech fella sez: “Why do you need a torch?” Elsie replied: “It’s dark, we have no electricity.”

Further Fascinating Fact; When you grew up listening to The Beatles, Queen, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd, it isn’t easy to get excited about artists like Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and Drake.

I don’t wish to boast, but it would appear that I’ve entered the most gratifying stage of life where I have a lot going for me. My knees are going, my back is going, my hearing and eyesight are going, and my patience? Well, that’s long gone!

                                      

My mate walked into my local pub The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife with his missus and the Eric the barkeep exclaimed: "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "I met her in Thailand," he replied. "We're due to get married next month." "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."
"I don't mind that," he replied. "I hate giving her them anyway!

RIP Dickie Bird.

RIP Dickie Bird. A proper character who displayed his eccentric views as an umpire brilliantly at his after-dinner speaking gigs. Pictured here with myself and referee Graham Poll.