Scropton Street Wimmins Assoc....

                              

Get your head around this. The new Chief Constable of Merseyside has to find savings of £31 million. Meanwhile, Liverpool FC is buying a player for £125 million! The maths are easy. Draw your own conclusions about the state of our society. We’re all doomed!

A Police traffic officer was patrolling late at night around Stalybridge and Mottram. At almost midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in a cul-de-sac lane, with the interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer shufty. He observes a young bloke behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young lady in the rear seat, filing her nails. Somewhat perplexed by this unusual scenario, the efficient policeman walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The copper asks: "What are you up to, at this late hour?" The young fella sez: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the traffic cop asked: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the copper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a dark lane, and nothing is happening! The traffic cop asks: "How old are you, young man?" The young guy tells him, "I'm 21, sir." The policeman then asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man glances at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Not sure what they see in each other. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

                           

Are you skint and have to use the food bank, but worried the neighbours will see you with all those bags? Do what I do and wear a tuxedo and carry it back in a cello case.

At the Scropton Street Women's Association, Non-Stick Nora was conducting a seminar on female empowerment and how to coexist in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" Every woman raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't recollect. The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husbands - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the reply they received in response to their text message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest manner?

1 Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you ill or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you prang the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

                     

 

The Ghastly Starmergeddon Farrago....

                                

After listening to Starmer’s drivel at the Labour Conference in Liverpool last week, I’m thinking of contacting Spiderman and asking him how he gets by hanging on by a thread every single day…

Barmy Albert gets himself a side hustle working as a part-time receptionist for his local doctor's surgery. One afternoon, the doctor asks Albert: "Please keep an eye out for any patients who might come in, then you can leave at six like normal. I've got to rush out on an emergency." The following morning, the doctor asked Albert how he was doing. Albert tells him: "There were three patients. The first had a cough, so I gave him a cough mixture." The doctor nods and sez: "Good, good, and next?" Albert advises: "The second, he says he got an allergy to grass, so I give him an antihistamine. "Again, the doctor nods and asks: "And then?" Albert replies: "Well, the third, she was a woman. She comes in, completely disrobes all her clothes, climbs stark naked on the examination table, and tells me that she hasn't seen a man in over three years." "Gadzooks!" exclaims the doctor. "So what did you do?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Albert replies, "I did what any man would do. I put eyedrops in her eyes."

Fascinating Fact: I spent ages trying to spell inconsequential before I realized that it's not that important.

Non-Stick Nora was on the 237 bus and noticed that a handsome bloke was eyeing her up. She smiled at him and sez: “Hello.” He approached her and asked: “Can I be candid with you?” Nora replied: “Of course you can.” He told her: “Every time you smile at me, it makes me want to invite you back to my place.” “Fantastic!” Nora replied: “Are you married?” He told her: “No. I’m a dentist.”

The missus was struggling to open a can of tuna. I asked her what the problem was. She opined, “Our can opener is broken.” I informed her: “So it’s actually a can’t opener!” She replied, “I can’t believe I married you!”

Further Fascinating Factoid: The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

                         

  

Chester Draws, the manager of Scropton Street Nursery, the local garden centre, overhears young Willy Eckerslyke, one of his staff members, advising a customer: “No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,” he says. “And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.” As the customer leaves, Chester saunters over to give young Willy a thorough scolding. ”Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,” he sez. “Whatever they want, we can always get it on order and deliver it to their home the following day. Do you understand?” Willy nods in agreement with him. “Anyway, what did he want?” asks the manager. Willy replied: “Rain.”

Yesterday was a sad day. The inventor of hard-boiled eggs, wrapped in pork sausage meat and coated in breadcrumbs, passed away earlier yesterday. RIP. Scott Chegg.

At this time of year, owls normally commence their courtship rituals; however, this has not happened this year due to the recent torrential rain. Apparently, it's too wet to woo.

Top Tip: Want to make yourself attractive to the opposite sex? Just stand on a railway platform, noting down train numbers.



Furthermore Fascinating Factoids: If you identify a UFO as a UFO, then it becomes an FO. Unless it has landed, then it's simply an O.

                                  

Non-Stick Nora's Naughty Nephew!

                            

The ghastly Starmergeddon farrago continues apace! At the Labour conference in Liverpool this week, he announced his next folly is to issue digital ID cards to everyone. He should be advised that my mate Sid had his ID stolen. We just call him ‘S’ nowadays…

                                 

Non-Stick Nora had to pick up her nephew, Tarquin, from school. She asked him how his day went, and the little boy sez: "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje, and he unbuttoned her shirt, then he took her bra off, and then..." Nora replied: "Let's save the rest of the story for when Uncle Albert comes home for his tea." Albert appears for his tea, and Nora asks the little boy, "How was your walk to school again?" Tarquin says, "Well, on the way to school, I saw Uncle Albert. He was in a car with Auntie Marje,he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off..." Nora asked him, "And what happened next?" And the little boy told her: "And then Uncle Albert and Auntie Marje started doing the same thing that you and Uncle Tommy did when Uncle Albert was working on the nightshift!” Kid’s eh? Doncha just luvvem!

I come from a large family of failed stage magicians. I have two half-sisters and one half-brother. That appalling performance ultimately led to my father being fired. Unfortunately, it was from a cannon! Luckily, they don’t make men of his calibre anymore. Even the family dog was a ‘magical mutt’ and dabbled in magic. He was a labracadabrador.

Fascinating Fact: When a bird kills another bird, that’s considered a burder. That is the birdict!

Two kids attending a wedding, one of them leaned over to the other and asked him: “How many wives can a man have? “His pal answered: “Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer!”

A friend asked me, "Have you tried blindfold archery?" I replied: "Never." He sez: "You don't know what you're missing!" He told me that the class was at the local village hall. He then advised: “Just follow the arrows on the floor…”

                                         

 

A Geordie woman asked her friend: “Does it hurt to get a tattoo?” Her friend replied: “It depends on the area.” The Geordie woman sez: “I’m from Sunderland.”

Barmy Albert was languishing in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, when young Willy Eckerslyke asked him, “If you had to choose, would you rather lose an arm or a leg?” Albert answered: “A leg. I need both arms to go fish.” Willy replied: “I need both arms to cuddle my girlfriend.” Albert sniffed and sez: “Sounds like you’ve never been fishing!”

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle phoned Currys PC World Customer Services and opined: “We purchased a computer from you yesterday and it won’t turn on.” The tech guy advised: “Press the big button.” Elsie told him: “I have done that.” The tech dude then told her, “Try the power cord at the back. Maybe it’s disconnected.” Elsie then advised him: “Just hold on while I go and get a torch.” The tech fella sez: “Why do you need a torch?” Elsie replied: “It’s dark, we have no electricity.”

Further Fascinating Fact; When you grew up listening to The Beatles, Queen, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd, it isn’t easy to get excited about artists like Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and Drake.

I don’t wish to boast, but it would appear that I’ve entered the most gratifying stage of life where I have a lot going for me. My knees are going, my back is going, my hearing and eyesight are going, and my patience? Well, that’s long gone!

                                      

My mate walked into my local pub The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife with his missus and the Eric the barkeep exclaimed: "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "I met her in Thailand," he replied. "We're due to get married next month." "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop."
"I don't mind that," he replied. "I hate giving her them anyway!

RIP Dickie Bird.

RIP Dickie Bird. A proper character who displayed his eccentric views as an umpire brilliantly at his after-dinner speaking gigs. Pictured here with myself and referee Graham Poll.

Further Fascinating Factoids!

                                    

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After finishing her dessert, she visited the ladies' powder room, then sauntered out through the bar area. It was such a lovely evening, she decided to leave her car in the car park and walk home. Unfortunately, when she got to her front door, she realised she hadn’t got her keys. She had inadvertently left her jacket in the cloakroom, and the keys were in the pocket. She walked back to the restaurant, retrieved her jacket, and realised that she’d left her hat at the table. When she finally returned to the table, her husband Walter asked her: “Are you alright? I was worried. You took such a long time in there!”

We’ve just returned from a holiday in Majorca and the wife said she didn’t really enjoy it because everyone could speak English and all the food was just identical to what we scoff back home. She told me that next time we go away, she wants to go somewhere where they eat weird stuff and you can’t understand a single word they say. On that basis, I’ve just booked us a fortnight in Bonnie Scotland.

The doctor asked me if I do regular exercise. I told him: “Yeah. I do them push-offs, plonks, and cronchies.” He replied: “I’ll just put no….”

Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “Isn’t it strange how we pay lots of money, just to see other people?” Albert retorted: “Do you mean going to the theatre or cinema or suchlike?” Nora replied: “No. I meant Specsavers.”

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife, and Sharon, the barkeep, asked me if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket to support the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. She told me that the top prize was a frozen turkey!

I heard on the grapevine that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the Wailing Wall, but he couldn’t get near it because of hundreds of Manchester United supporters.

Top Tip: Save money on Double Cream. Buy two pots of Single Cream and mix them up together.

My wife found me in bed with another woman yesterday. It beggars belief why it took two of them to find me.

                                     

 
My mate Eddie told me he used to be in a band called The Fortunes. I asked him if they called it that because they thought they’d make a lot of money? He sez: “No, we only knew four tunes.”

Fascinating Fact: I read that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can’t verify that as I’ve never eaten a monkey. Furthermore, you should never monkey around with another monkey's monkey.

A Geordie woman goes to the customer service desk at the garden centre. She opines: “Excuse me pet, have you got a fern please?” The assistant replies: “Certainly. What particular variety of fern are you looking for?” The Geordie woman says: “One with buttons, so I can fern a taxi!”

Further Fascinating Fact: Whenever you pay six quid for a coffee, you get a free mug. Just find the nearest mirror to see it.

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a coincidence!

       

                         

The Hypothetical List....

                                          

The wife and I have both created a hypothetical list of five people we would love to sleep with if we ever got the chance. (The chance being either ‘zero’ or ‘zilch’) She’s picked Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Harry Styles and Johnny Depp. I’ve gone for: Her younger sister, her second cousin, her best friend Felicity, our next-door neighbour's missus, or beautiful Brenda Baxter from the Broadbottom Butty Bar, known as the girl with the breathtaking baps. That’s when the fight started!

Yesterday, I was driving down Scropton Street and I thought I saw the singer Van Morrison in my rearview mirror; however, upon further inspection, it was a Morrisons Van. Luckily, I was on my way to Specsavers.

It was the same last weekend, as I peered out of my front window, I was certain that I spotted Suggs walking past my house. Could this be the first sign of Madness?

Church Notice: When you enter this church, it may be possible that you hear ‘The Call of God.’ However, it is most unlikely that He will call you on your mobile phone, so thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter a quiet corner and speak with Him. If you want to see him, then send Him a text while driving….

I tried to walk like an Egyptian yesterday, now I need to see a Cairo practitioner.

Fascinating Fact: Even if your house burned down, Royal Mail will still put a Farmfoods leaflet through your melted letterbox.

                                             

  

Barmy Albert and Willy Eckerslyke were sauntering down Elephant Lane when they saw a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Albert exclaims, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Willy sez: "Just ignore her. She’s an attention seeking narcissist." The voluptuous woman then gestures for him to come up to her council flat. Albert is besotted! He tells Willy, "Did you see that? She's infatuated with me!" Willy insists, "Albert, don't go up there!" Albert asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Willy pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Albert blanks him and sprints into the council block. The stunning woman seductively slinks down to greet him and they go up to her flat. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn parping outside. The woman looks out the window and shouts: "OH NO! It’s my husband!" "Gadzooks!" Albert exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." Because the husband stays home, Barmy Albert spends the entire day ironing. The very next day, Albert goes to Willy’s house and tells him the whole sad episode. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go," sighs Young Willy. "Let me tell you about all those clothes you spent all day ironing? I washed them the day before!" If Non-Stick Nora finds out, there’ll be ructions!

Top Tip: Brighten your day and cheer yourself up at the next funeral you attend by hiding a twenty quid note in your black suit.

                                         

RIP Ricky Hatton. He was a regular reader of this column, and we had many a chortle together on the after-dinner circuit. A true champ. There'll never be another.

Fascinating Facts, Top Tips and Thoughts for Thursdays Galore!

                                                                   

What a team! Lammy and Kiery! It’s just like Sid James and Kenneth Williams are doing a remake! ‘Carry On Kiery’ is now available on Amazon Prime (Minister) new series entitled ‘Starmer’s Slaphappy Shenanigans!’ featuring David Lammy singing the theme tune: “I Can See Kiery Now That Rayner’s Gone!” It all ends with Two-Tier Kier shouting: “Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

After Father Ted comedy writer Graham Linehan was arrested by five armed police officers at Heathrow Airport last week, for purportedly saying ‘hurty’ words on social network platform X, we truly know that the lunatics have actually taken over the asylum.

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the eulogy at her husband's funeral. She opined: “Tommy needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was sadly not on record. Anyway, the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know to save his life. Tragically, I had never known his blood type, so I only had time to hold his hand and say goodbye. I’ll always fondly recollect how supportive my Tommy was. Even as he was fading away, he kept whispering to me: Be Positive! Be Positive! That was my Tommy, right up to the very end, he was always thinking of others….”

Top Tip: If you want to be remembered after you die, then start borrowing money from everyone you know.

Church Notice: When you enter this church, it may be possible that you hear ‘The Call of God.’ However, it is most unlikely that He will call you on your mobile phone, so thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter and choose a quiet corner and talk to Him. If you want to see him, then send Him a text while driving….

When I was a kid, the hardest football pitch that I ever played on was made of crushed brick rubble, gravel and concrete. We won our first game 3-2 on aggregate.

After dredging the lake at the local golf club, Barmy Albert got on the 237 bus with both his trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat next to old Cissie Slopbouquet, who kept looking quizzically at his obviously bulging pockets. Finally, after many perplexed glances from her, Albert curtly informed her: “It’s golf balls!” Cissie gazed at him with a saturnine grimace and replied: “That must be very painful. I had tennis elbow once!”

Fascinating Fact: The world is made up of two population groups: The 1% or the 99%. You either belong to one or you are the one!
                               

Young Willy Eckerslyke struck up a conversation with an attractive young lady in The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied: "Have you not got a girlfriend? Guys like you always have girlfriends. "No. Sadly, we broke up just over a month ago," Willy assured her. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she says: "Go on then, I'll have a white wine spritzer, please.” A few drinks later, after a kiss and a cuddle, they both headed off back to her place and made mad passionate lurve, all night long. The following morning, while young Willy was putting his clothes back on, she exclaimed: "So, you're a good-looking, genuinely nice guy, and possess an amazing personality. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" With all the dignity that he could muster, Willy admitted: "My wife found out."

I argued with the missus, and in a futile bid to exact some manner of revenge, I switched all the labels on her spice rack. I'm not in real trouble just yet, but the thyme is cumin. When I got back home the following day, she’d left me a note. She wrote: “I’m truly sorry about the argument last night. I have to work late tonight. Dinner is in the oven. You only have to light it. The gas is already turned on… xxx”

Thought for Thursday: Jokes about white sugar are rare; however, Jokes about brown sugar,
Demerara...