The Daylight Robbery Heist....

Last weekend, I really couldn’t be bothered altering all the clocks in the house, so I’ve decided to just watch ITV + 1 for the next six months....

                                                       

             

This is the year is 2185. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. Nobody can remember where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.



I’m desperately trying not eat all the sweets I bought to give out to the kids on Halloween, or I'll have to hand out OXO cubes again. Last year, I was a laughing stock!

                                   

Every Halloween, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Bonfire night looms ominously in the future too. Rumour has it that you should never return to a firework that hasn’t gone off. My back garden has been out of bounds since 2001.

"Some call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love" The Barista at Costa Coffee sez: "I'll just put Austin then..."

                                           

The missus phoned me and she was incandescent with rage. “I’ve found out you’ve been seeing another woman, you cheating swine. I’m leaving you and going to my sisters.”   “Okay “I replied. “I’ll see you when you get here...”

                                             

It has finally been proven that Greta Thunberg is making an immense difference to climate change. This is because every time she appears on the telly, over two million people switch off. Moreover, Liverpool FC fans are helping climate change too, primarily because they use public transport to get to an away game and then drive home.

                                                         

                                     

Non-Stick Nora reckons that I possess two major faults. The first is that I don’t listen to anything anybody says and the second one is summat else....



Diane Abbott was on BBC News yesterday and reminded everyone that on the 36th of Octember, the clocks go sideways...

                                                 

I gave the consultant permission to switch off the life support machine, should the mother-in-laws condition deteriorate. He curtly informed me that it’s not an option for a sprained ankle....

Thought for Thursday: I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire lane of cars teams up to prevent some heretic from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers, Mottram is ours!



                                       

It takes me exactly six minutes to get from my house to The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife public house, up Scropton Street. However, it takes twenty two minutes to get back home. The distance frankly, is staggering!

Thought for Thursday: If you see a fork in the road, take it...

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!


                                               

The Dog Called Brexit....

                                                    

Brexit! The undefined being negotiated by the unprepared in order to get the unspecified for the uninformed. MP’s attended the Commons last Saturday for the first time since 1982!   Doctors, nurses and other NHS staff have offered their sincere condolences.



I’ve called my dog Brexit. He wants to go out, but if it’s raining, would like to stay indoors. He likes being a bit on the outside, but still having his dinner, on the inside.


                                            

Roll on Brexit! Nothing is made in the UK any more. I bought a new radio and it said ‘Built in Antenna.’ A country I’ve never heard of before....



Men. Listen up! All that women want from you is everything and nothing, not at the same time, but on a constant basis, occasionally and always. In order to clarify the aforementioned, I asked Alexa: “Alexa. What do women want?” That was 3 days ago and Alexa ain’t shut up yet! Now do you understand?



Metropolitan Police have shifted the Extinction Rebellion protesters from London Bridge by opening a pop-up job centre. As a further measure, they intended to use water cannon containing a repellent. It was soap! Ryanair also confirmed today that any protestors on top of their planes will be subject to a charge of £75.



I was in Tesco at the checkout with a prawn sandwich and a packet of cheese and onion crisps and the young girl asked me: “Would you like to go for a drink?” Well, she was half my age, most voluptuous and very attractive, so I sez: “Yeah, give me your number and I’ll pick you up later tonight.” She gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied: “I meant a drink for the Meal Deal, you moron!”



Scientists reckon that in the year 2050, with advances in technology, we will be able to have robotic spouses. It was mooted that these robots could be programmed to kill you. So, no change there then!



Thought for Thursday; I’ve just switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was an absolute game changer.

                                                          

This bloke parked his car right outside Buckingham Palace and a security guard came sauntering across and sez: "You can't park there!" "But I'm here to cut Prince Charles’ hair," said the bloke. "Have you got a permit?" asked the guard. "No, he just wants a short back and sides."



A Scotsman walked into a bar in Glasgow. In a usual scenario, he would be accompanied by an Englishman and an Irishman, however they were both still in Japan.



                                                   

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                              

The Collection ....

                                                   

                   

We were in the Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife pub last night when Barmy Albert turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. "Cost me fifty flamin’ quid this!" he opined, as we all continued chortling. "I hope you kept the receipt" I said with a smile. "Too right!" he replied, "First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man United Club Shop."



Denis Law was interviewed recently on Talk Sport and the presenter asked him if the team from his day would beat the present squad. He replied: “Yeah, about 1 – 0, I reckon.” The interviewer sez: “Why so close a score?” The Lawman replied; “Well, we’re all in our seventies now....”

                                               

Scouser in a bookshop:"Excuse me, I'm looking for a book about Liverpool FC in the Premier League." Assistant:"No title?" "Yes that's the one."



At the end of Corrie, it just sez: "If you have been affected by any of the issues in this programme, then please ring this number." But I couldn't, because I’ve been operating as a loan shark, after I had murdered the original loan shark and I'm now running a money laundering operation by selling junk furniture. I’d effectively be grassing myself up. HELP!

                                                       

BIG MISTAKE! Returning from a gig in Sutton Coldfield, I really should have exited the wretched M6 at junction 14. Junction 15 was shut. Instead, I endured a grand detour of the UK tarmacadam infrastructure (With the entire 1,000+ strong Eddie Stobart fleet for company) only to be re-routed @ J17, to face a 50 mile per hour limit until my exit Junction 19 (A556) Knutsford, which was also CLOSED!! Shurely shome mishtake? After a further circuitous route, I limped onto the M60 at 3-30 am, only to find that it was also closed at Junction 7! After a further divergence, I had been on the road for a staggering six hours! Was I angry? Undoubtably, YES!! That was until Radio 2 played the Roy Orbison song: 'I Drove All Night'. It was then, I started laughing inanely like an unhinged banshee and in mitigation, Your Honour, that was when the police traffic unit stopped me.....

                                   

I overheard a mother talking to her kid in Tesco and she asked the child: “What are the two magic words to use to get what you want in life?” The kid thought for a moment and replied: “I’m offended ...”



If we are not supposed to eat late at night, why is there a light in the fridge ?





I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!

                                                       

The Kings Speech....

                         

BIG MISTAKE! I really should have exited the wretched M6 @ J15. J16 was shut. Instead, I endured a grand detour of the UK tarmacadam infrastructure (With the entire 1,000+ strong Eddie Stobart fleet for company) only to be re-routed @ J17, to face a 50 mile per hour limit until my exit J19 (A556) Knutsford, which was also CLOSED!! Shurely shome mishtake? After a further circuitous route, I limped onto the M60 at 3-30 am, only to find that it was also closed at J7! After a further divergence, I've just got home! Was I angry? Undoubtably YES!! That was until Radio 2 played the Roy Orbison song: 'I Drove All Night'. It was then I started laughing inanely like an unhinged banshee, and in mitigation, Your Honour, that was when the police traffic unit stopped me.....

                                                     

At the end of Corrie, it just sez: "If you have been affected by any of the issues in this programme, then please ring this number." But I couldn't, coz I have been operating as a loan shark, after I had murdered the original loan shark and I'm now running a money laundering operation by selling junk furniture.  HELP!!

                                                

I encouraged my 16-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. Last night, she came home with five applications, and later
that evening, I read them. Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."

                                

The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”
Me: “What about it?”
Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”
Me: “Right, I’ve done that”
Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”
Me: “I can see that, yeah.”
Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”
Me: Okay, I see them.”
Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”
Me: “Yes! I can see him!”
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

                                  

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!

                                    

The Hard Irish Border......

                                               

“A hard Irish border” sounds like a breed of large dog with a drinking problem. I've seen a house fly but never seen a horse box. Now that the cat is out of the bag, we’re gonna have to take the bull by the horns...


Help! There’s a psychotic chicken in my front garden and it won’t let me out the house. I may have to make a run for it!


Why has no one invented a bubble wrap whereby the bubbles are filled with helium, so that your parcels are lighter and thus cheaper to post?

                                         

Opticians, listen up! : Business going down the tubes. Not many customers? Then just change your shop signage to a blurred font.


                                       

When I’m bored I phone up any ‘Best Western’ hotels They answer “Best Western”   Then I say “Blazing Saddles directed by Mel Brooks.”

Have you ever tried stealing clothes from other folks washing lines? Well, I’ve been there, done that and got the T-shirt!

Thought for Thursday: Until Eve arrived, Adam didn’t know everything was his fault!

OLD JOKES HOME: A High Court Judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."     A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"     The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."   The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"     The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"     The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                     

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

Should have gone to Specsavers.....

                                               

                                               

Yesterday, I was accused of being a heartless, arrogant, posh and stuck-up cretin. I was so upset, I instructed my butler horsewhip the bounder! This is all because I refused to go on a protest march about climate change. I decided not to go, because it was far too hot!


                                     

In my opinion, sex education classes in all schools should consist of pupils listening to a baby cry incessantly for four straight hours, whilst watching Peppa Pig on a constant video loop.



Little Tommy and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Tommy goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Tommy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr Grabknuckle, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Grabknuckle replies, "Well Tommy, both of you are only 12. Where will you two live?"    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Likkle Tommy replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Grabknuckle says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Tommy instantly replies, "Our pocket money innit! Jenny gets five quid a week and I make 10 quid a week, with my paper round." "That's about £60 a month and that should do us just fine." Mr. Grabknuckle is impressed Tommy has put so much thought into this. "Well Tommy, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Tommy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been very lucky so far."

                                   

Isn’t it just heart-warming to hear that after sixteen years’ of retirement, Sean Connery has finally found his niche. She was in the back garden playing with his nephew.


My grandfather committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys of a pianoforte. He didn't leave a note...

An Airline introduced a special package for business men. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how their trip was. All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
                                       

Just a passing thought, if the Government lose in the Supreme Court this week, will they appeal to the European Court of Justice? Boris! Get yer hat and coat on matey!

                                 

When Non-Stick Nora visited Barmy Albert in prison, she complained to the governor that he was exhausted because they made him work far too hard. The prison boss laughed and told Nora that he merely lazed around in his cell all day long. Nora sez: “Well, he told me that he’s been digging a tunnel for the last few months!”

                                   

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                               

The Brexit Stockpiling Scenario....

                                               

I'm currently stockpiling for the forthcoming No Deal Brexit. Party Poppers. Champagne. Can anyone recommend where to get red white and blue streamers and helium balloons? Have I forgotten anything?

                                         

Why is it that any fish caught in the English Channel, belong to the EU, whereas any humans found belong to the UK? Answers on a coastguard, please.


The clocks go back soon. I'm worried because I can't remember where l got mine from. When I put it forward in summer, it fell off the wall! The missus told me that it nearly hit her mother on the head. Mind you, that clock was always slow...

                                     

The wife sez that I possess an infantile mentality and I'm immature. She reckons that we will have to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate situation. As if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!



Experts are worried about the mental state of Donald Trump, after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
                                 

When I was in New York a few years ago, I met Paul Simon. I sez, "Paul, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?" He replied, "Call Me Al." I sez, "Al, what was that song called that you had a massive hit with in the 80's?"....



Thought for Thursday: Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second contestant...



Barmy Albert went to the doctor yesterday, he sez he has Hypochondriasis. Albert replied: "Oh No! Not that as well!"...

                                                           

Anyway, I was in B & Q and I sez to the bloke: "What gets rid of grease, grime and stubborn stains?" He said "Ammonia cleaner." I said "Oh really sorry mate, I thought you worked here..."



The missus and I were shopping in Tesco. I picked up a case of cider and put it in our shopping trolley. "What do you think you're doing? " asks the wife. "They're on sale, only £15 for 24 cans " I replied. "Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife and so we carry on shopping. A few aisles further on, the missus picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks yours truly. "It 's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful " replied the wife. Quick as a flash, I retorts: "So does 24 cans of cider and it's half the price." That’s when the fight started! On the PA system: 'Clean up on aisle 25 please, we have a husband down.'

                                                   

Raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website;     www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!