Gadzooks! Exercise you guffaw glands!

 

                                             

Gadzooks! In this appalling weather, I think that you should always check on the elderly and ensure that they’re in fine fettle. I’m normally up by 8-30 am. Bring me a McDonalds Breakfast bap and a large coffee. Aythengu!

When Barmy Albert had his training as an airline pilot, he sat in the cockpit and looked down nervously and asked: “What are all these buttons for?” The pilot replied; “They’re used to fasten your shirt up properly….”

Fascinating Factoid: Being twenty in the 70’s was much more fun that being seventy in the 20’s.

Due to the awful weather conditions, l visited my octogenarian neighbour Elsie Grabknuckle to ask if she needed anything from the local supermarket. It turned out she did, so l gave her my shopping list as well. There’s no point in both of us walking out on the icy pavements.

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Rachel Reeves' recent budget announcement. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain.

                               

   

R.I.P. My mate Dave who told his missus that he was just popping out for some sewing thread, but spent the full day down Wetherspoons! Gone, but not for cotton. Isn’t life bobbins. Will Dave’s wife ever forgive his selfish behaviour? Frayed knot!

Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb in through the kitchenette window...”

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
                                        

I heard about a man and a woman, who had never met before, and were both married to other people and found themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the space, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 AM, the bloke leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married." "Wow! That’s a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Then get your own blanket!"



Royal Mail are recruiting extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.



I received a very sad letter this morning, it was written on an onion. The author was an elderly gentleman who resides in my parish, he has suffered serious hearing problems for a number of years. He was stone deaf. Then after a visit to his GP, was fitted with a revolutionary new hearing aid that allowed the old fella to hear one hundred percent. The old wag went back in a month to see the doctor. The quack pronounced, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear everything again.” To which the octogenarian geezer replied, “Oh, I haven’t told the family yet. I just sit around and listen to all the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already this week!”




Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                            

A lesson for us all....

                                         

A mouse, looking through a hole in the wall, sees the farmer and his wife open a package. He was terrified to see that it was a mousetrap. He ran to the patio to warn everyone.
-"There is a mousetrap at home!".

The chicken that was cackling and digging says: "excuse me, Mr. Mouse, I understand that it is a big problem for you, but it does not hurt me at all."

So, the rodent went to the lamb and he says the same thing: "Excuse me Mr. Mouse, but I don't think I can do more than ask for you in my prayers."

The mouse went to the cow and she said: "But am I in danger? I think not!" said the cow.

The mouse returned to the house, worried and dejected to face the farmer's mousetrap.

That night a great noise was heard like that of the mousetrap catching its victim, the woman ran to see what she had caught.

In the dark she did not see that the mousetrap caught the tail of a poisonous snake.

The speedy snake bit the woman, the farmer immediately took her to the hospital, she came back with a high fever.

The farmer to comfort her prepared a nutritious soup, grabbed the knife and went to find the main ingredient: the chicken; Since the woman did not get better, friends and neighbors went to visit them, the farmer killed the lamb to feed them, the woman did not get better and died.

And in the end, the husband sold the cow to the slaughterhouse to cover the funeral expenses.

The next time someone tells you about their problem and you think that it doesn't affect you because it's not yours and you don't pay attention to it, think twice, “he who doesn't live to serve, doesn't serve to live”.

The world is not going badly because of the wickedness of the bad, but because of the apathy of the good.

So when someone needs you for their problems, give them your hand or give them a word of encouragement.

May you never lack empathy!

Remember it very well, EMPATHY.

The Heffers Derriere Farrago....

                                           

What with the impromptu snowfall and minus temperatures, it was so icy last week that as I was filling the car up at the petrol station, I slipped over and no matter how hard I tried, I was unable to get back on my feet.  This woman sauntered over to me and exclaimed: “Oh dear!  Have you slipped on the ice?”  With all the dignity that I could muster, I curtly informed her: “No, I haven’t slipped on the ice.  I’m trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket….”

 

Barmy Albert sauntered into B & Q and asked the bloke in the orange apron: “I need to buy some nails.”  The bloke sez: “Do you want round-heads or oval-heads?”  Albert replied: “Round-heads.”  The bloke asked: “How long do you want them?”  Albert thought for a moment and sez: “I want to keep them….”  He was so confused that ended up at the checkout with a tube of ‘No More Nails’ and a hammer!

The times they are a-changing!  I overheard three boy scouts talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ Week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”

                                  

The boss wondered why Tommy Grabknuckle, one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main contractors resolved, he dialled Tommy’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper: “Hello.”  ”Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes.” whispered the small voice.  “May I talk with him?”  The child whispered: “Sorry, but no.” Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked: “Is your Mummy there?”  “Yes, she is.”  “May I speak with her?”  Yet again, the small voice whispered, “No.” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”   “Yes.” whispered the child: “A policeman.”  Wondering what a copper would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss enquired: “May I speak with the policeman, then?”  “No, he’s really busy.”  whispered the child.  “Busy doing what?”   “He’s talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman.” came the whispered answer.  Growing more worried and concerned, as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that loud noise?”   “A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.  “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered: “The search team just landed a helicopter!” Alarmed and in a panic, apart from being totally frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”   Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…   “Me!”

That’s kids for you though, isn’t it! Non-Stick Nora’s five-year old grandkid walked into the kitchenette one Sunday morning while Nora was reading the paper. "Nana, where does poo come from?" she enquired. Feeling a little perturbed that her five-year old grandkid is already asking difficult questions, Nora thought for a moment and replied: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answered the child. " Well, the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over is disposed of when we go to the toilet and that is poo." The kid looked shocked and stared at nana Nora with watery eyes in a stunned silence, her bottom lip quivering, then she asked: "And Tigger?"

This bloke staggered into Tameside Hospital Accident and Emergency Dept with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.  Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"   "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with the missus, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking round I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the heffers derrriere."  Still holding the cow’s tail up, I shouted to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"    "I don’t remember much after that…"

Still on the subject of kids, a teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Kevin, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied: "I think I’d be too polite to mention it."

 

 You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Kier Starmer? If he listened to himself more often, he would talk less.

 

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad and focus on the good.  So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. Visit my website for more jocular gubbins.  Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and scroll to my hilarious Jokey-Bloggington.  Now, get back to work!

                                                

Welby does The Lambeth Walk....

                                

Last week, The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby performed The Lambeth Walk and quite rightfully resigned from his post, on the very same day as Gary Lineker announced that he is stepping down from presenting Match of the Day after 25 years.  Unfortunately, Kier Starmer let me down for a treble!

 

I remember my teacher saying to me: “You don't really do chronology or geography, do you?” I replied: “Well, I do. But there's a time and a place for everything.”  I got detention for that remark.

 

A lorry carrying incontinence pants has shed its load on the M67. Police are warning of severe delays due to rubber knickers.

 

Well, I’m flabbergasted! Apparently, it is rude to ask the parents of a child on a leash, if it was a rescue!  Who’d a thowt it!

 

Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub on singles night. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.  Tommy walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and asks: "So tell me, do I come here often?"

                                   

There was a spotty precocious youth sat on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church.” when the priest approached him and proclaimed: "You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!"  The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

 

I have downloaded Fleetwood Mac song onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own Way" wherever I am. So, I'm constantly lost!

 

I’ve decided to take up a hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

 

Next-door neighbour Barmy Albert has been suffering with the old frozen shoulder and jogger’s epiglottis syndrome once again.  He was told to report to the local hospital reception and contact Mrs. Hay.  Imagine his surprise when he went to the local hospital and contracted MRSA!

 

 

Cockney folk take note! Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social Services for abuse.

 

 

In life, there are only two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or whether you are poorly sick. If you're fit, fine wonderful & well, then there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get betterer or whether you'll turn your toes up. If you get betterer, there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If you're going to snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about. If you arrive in hell, you'll meet so many of your friends there, you'll feel very much at home, So why worry? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and strike the pose! Email me: ComedianUK@sky.com

                                           

A Proper Yorkshire Tale....

                                                

The Devil himself appears before Donald Trump and announces: “I'll make you the new president , if you give me your soul". Trump replied: “What's the catch?"

When Barmy Albert got home early from work, his attractive, voluptuous and single neighbour also arrived home at the exact same time. Albert was most surprised when she walked across the street and knocked on his door. He opened the door and she gazed at him in a seductive manner and announced: “I’ve just got home and I possess an irresistible urge to have a good time, get drunk and have tons of fun tonight. What are you doing later on?” Albert swiftly replied: “Nothing whatsoever. I’m free!” She replied: “Fantastic!” “Can you mind my dog?”

A Proper Yorkshire Tale: When Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for a fish and chip supper, the duties were equally shared. Steve brought the fish, Tessa fetched the chips, Daley supplied the mushy peas and Seb provided the condiments of salt and vinegar and the crowning glory was a pot of steaming Yorkshire Tea. As they were all just about to tuck in, there was a ring of the smart doorbell camera, so Seb has a shufty to see who it is. "Who is it?", asks everyone in unison. Seb replies: "It's Fatima wit' bread!"

Due to the NHS being strapped for cash, coupled with the rising costs of medical testing, a new formula has been announced by the government. All you have to do (in the privacy of your back garden) is wee under a tree. If ants gather, then you probably have diabetes. If the grass dries up, then you’re putting too much salt on your chips, so you should cut right down. If you can detect the odour of fried food, then you have high cholesterol. Furthermore, if you forget to pull up your undercrackers, then your memory is going. After conducting this test, my doctor has prescribed some tablets for my memory loss. I have to take two tablets, three times per day. Or is it three tablets, twice a day? The doctor also recommended that if I’m getting down on the floor, then I should ensure that I have a bona-fide plan to get back up again….

Fascinating Fact; Isn’t it quite amazing that the French are aware of the location of where two of our fishing boats are working, but fail to spot five hundred overladen dinghies per month sailing across the channel.

Knock-Knock - Who’s there? – Ahhhhhhh - Ahhhhhhhh who? - Werewolf in London!

                         

  



Non- Stick Nora read the horror novel IT by Stephen King and told Barmy Albert that it was the most evil book that she had ever had the gross misfortune to read and that it was so malicious that she couldn’t bear to finish it. The very same weekend, she visited Blackpool Illuminations and went to the end of the South Pier and hurled the book as far as she could into the sea! On Monday, in a moment of mischief and malevolence, Barmy Albert purchased another copy of the book, ran it under the tap, until it was thoroughly saturated and placed it in the kitchenette drawer for her to find.



The missus asked me: “Is it just me, or is the dog getting fat?” It was a massive mistake replying; “No. It’s just you!” That’s when the fight started!



My grandad always said to me: “Don't watch your money; watch your health.” So, one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. Yes, you’ve guessed it! It was my grandad!" Sadly, he died on his 90th birthday. We only got up to sixty-two on the bumps! We used to call him Spider Man. Not because he was agile. He just couldn’t get out of the bath!



I went to see a faith healer at the Scropton Street Community Hub. He was so bad, this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!



Thought for Thursday: It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises!



Surreal Joke of the Century: A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes ecstatic, "This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

                                     





I couldn't make it to my local hostelry, the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub quiz night last week. I wasn't feeling too clever. I was also making every endeavour to avoid Sid, the landlord. He had asked me to re-turf a huge field at the rear of the pub, in order that they could carry out a civil war battle re-enactment. I thought “Sod that for a game of soldiers!" Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!





Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution. Whether we drink a bottle of £500 or £5 wine- the hangover is the same. I tried cooking with wine too. After six glasses in the kitchenette, I forgot what I had gone in there for! Laughter is the best medicine! So, visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and assume a comical position and strike da pose! You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work Fishface!

                                              

The spider that giggled....

 

                                   

Barmy Albert woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that he was late for work. Then he realised that he was already at work! Albert was in a bit of a kerfuffle, because earlier in the day, he was caught speeding down the M67, feeling quite secure in a gaggle of cars that were all travelling at the same speed. However, as they all passed a police Land Rover, a copper with an infra-red speed gun clocked him and pulled him over onto the hard shoulder. The efficient policeman handed Albert a ticket and he was about to walk away, when Albert protested and opined: “Officer, I know that I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair, because there were lots of other cars around me that were going just as fast, so why did I alone receive a ticket?” the copper replied: “Did you ever go a-fishing?” Albert answered: “Yes, I have. On many occasions.” The policeman grinned and sez: “Did you ever catch ‘em all?”

In days of yore, my mother used to work in the local haberdashery on the High Street, whereas, my auntie Agnes was in charge of the herbalist and wholefood shop. A far cry from the town centres of today that merely consist of six vape outlets, ten Turkish barbers, seven places to repair your phone screen, three tattoo and piercing parlours, five takeaway kebab emporiums and two coffee shops. Not forgetting a Ladbrokes. Moreover, I fondly recollect when banks used to close at 3pm. Now they are closed permanently. Where did it all go doo-lally?

BREAKING NEWS: A British man was attacked by a shark, whilst honeymooning in Australia. Newspaper reports advise that he didn’t suffer for too long, primarily because he’d only been married for four days. I heard on the grapevine that the best way to defend yourself from a shark attack is by poking the shark in the eyes. However, I reckon that I have a much better strategy and that is staying in Glossop.

                                        

A scouser sauntered into the Job Centre and asked if any jobs were available. The manager behind the desk told him that his timing was immaculate! He sez: “We have just got a job in from a very wealthy local businessman who requires a chauffeur cum bodyguard for his two daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big Range Rover Evoque and wear the uniform that’s provided. The hours are short and meals are provided. You will also have to escort the young ladies on their many overseas holidays, mainly to the Caribbean or Seychelles. The salary package is £100k per annum!” The scouser gasped and replied: “You’re kidding me!” The manager sez: “Well, you started it!”

Fascinating Fact: I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your trouser leg into your sock, then folk expect a lot less of you.

Remember back in the time when our parents would send us to school with no water bottle, no mobile phone and no snacks, but somehow, we would survive until the end of the day.

I was walking past a local farmyard and I spotted a sign that bore the legend: Duck, eggs. I was just thinking that it was an unnecessary comma and then it hit me!

TOP TIP: Always read the instructions on funeral invitations very carefully and don't make the terrible mistake that I made. The words 'sombre' and 'sombrero' look very similar. Apologies once again.

Quote of the week: Such is life and life is such and after all it isn’t much. First a cradle, then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse. Norman Wisdom.

                                         

  

I’m very good in the bedroom department. Fifteen years I worked for Ikea. Thirty years ago, I’d think that I was great in bed. Nowadays, I think: “Great, I‘m in bed!” Of course, I fondly recollect when I could lie in bed in one position for hours. Nowadays, I have to spin around like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or my hip hurts.

I’d like to thank everyone who took part in Sober October. It was much easier to get to the bar.

Doncha just hate it when you’re in the kitchenette, singing along to a song on the radio and the artist gets all the lyrics wrong? Did Madonna really sing: “Last night, I dreamt of some bagels” or was it a fig leaf of my imagination?

I often wonder if spiders giggle while running away from us. Last weekend, I caught a huge spider as it scuttered across the hearth rug. The missus sez: “Don’t kill it. Take it out.” I took it to Wetherspoons. She was a nice spider. It turns out that her name is Simone and she wants to become a web designer. Who’d a thowt it!

Meanwhile, up Scropton Street back snicket in The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Non-Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert: “See that crazy bloke over there, who’s paralytic drunk and making an utter fool of himself?” Albert retorted: “Who the devil is he?” Nora replied: “Well, ten years ago, he was my boyfriend and I turned him down when he asked me to marry him!” Albert was totally gobsmacked and sez: “Gee-Whizz! I see that he’s still celebrating his freedom!” That’s when the fight started!

                                         

 

Hallowe'en Howlers!

 

                                                               

Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like decorations. So, because of this, she decided to throw an impromptu Halloween fancy dress party with all the gory trimmings! Barmy Albert dressed as Frankenstein and Nora wore a Wanda the Witch costume. Nora was busy in the kitchenette making the meal and was cross that Albert was lounging around watching horror movies on Netflix. She shouted: “I thought that you were gonna help me with the cooking!” Albert (in his best Frankenstein voice) replied: “I did the mash!”

Much later, when everyone had gone home and in a moment of genuine reflection, Barmy Albert asked Nora if she’d slept with any other men before marrying him, but Nora said absolutely nothing. He asked again and still no reply was forthcoming. He then opined: “It’s okay. I won’t be annoyed.” she still maintained her silence. Albert then commented: “‘Look, if you’re uncomfortable talking about it, I’ll understand the situation completely.” By then, he was starting to feel quite awkward and most uncomfortable. After another hour had elapsed, he sez: “Look I’m really sorry I said anything in the first place, just forget I ever asked you.” Finally, she looked up and replied: “I wish you’d just stop talking, because l keep losing count!”

                                             

 

Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they DON’T look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well, it's not a full moon yet is it?" I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.

Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them.

Whilst sauntering up Scropton Street, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however, it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know it was my birthday?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, I guarantee everyone will be saying it...

The clocks go back soon. Gaining us all an extra hour of Kier Starmer and the Labour government in 2024. This will be akin to getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album!

                                 

  

Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:

10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.

8. You ask for high fibre treats only.

7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. Folk say, "Brilliant Kier Starmer mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you shout: "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a zimmer frame.

1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.


                                

Meanwhile, a man and a woman were travelling in on a train to Stalybridge. Suddenly, the woman sez: "Every time you smile, I feel like taking you over to my place." Bashfully, the bloke replied: "Wow! are you single?" The lady answered: "No, I'm a dentist."



I must confess that the missus can be really cruel to me on some occasions. Yesterday, for instance, she advised me that I mustn’t get upset if somebody calls me fat. Then in the next breath she sez: “You're much bigger than that!"

It's most ironic, is it not that the originator of Big Brother, Peter Bazalgette is the great-great grandson of the Victorian engineer, Joseph Bazalgette, the designer and builder of the London sewage system. Interesting to think that his ancestor devoted his life to extricating the sewage out of people's houses, but his modern-day counterpart is devoted to shovelling it back in!

                                                 

 

I’m sat in the doctors waiting room feeling sorry for myself, when I spotted octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle. She could hardly walk and was stooped over her walking stick, she took an absolute age to go in. However, when she came out, she was bolt upright and could move at quite a rapid pace. I was totally amazed and I asked her: “What miracle did the doctor perform, to make such an amazing difference?“ She replied: “A longer walking stick…”

Every Hallowe’en, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                   

The slovenly harridan in Asda....

 

                                             

Non-Stick Nora visits the doctor worried about Barmy Albert’s frequent petulant outbursts. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?” Nora sez: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day, Albert seems to lose his rag for no apparent reason whatsoever. He’s generally a curmudgeonly sort, but he seems to be getting much worse and I find it all quite disconcerting." The physician replies: "I have a cure for this irascibility and peevishness. When it seems that Albert is getting a tad surly, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms right down.” Two weeks later Nora returns, looking fresh and reborn. Non-Stick Nora announced: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time our Albert started losing the plot, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a mere glass of water do that?" The doctor advised: "The water itself does nothing whatsoever. It's keeping your gob shut that does the trick."



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle shuffled out of Scropton Street Supermarket, overladen with shopping bags and upon returning to her car, found four young males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her pepper spray, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a pepper spray and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four lads didn’t wait for a second request. They evacuated the vehicle and legged it quicker than a lodging house tomcat! Elsie, somewhat shaken by all the shenanigans and impromptu kerfuffle, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the boot of the car and then slithered into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her exactly why. For this same reason, she did not understand why there was a football, a frisbee and two packs of lager on the back seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her unfortunate mistake. The desk sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop chortling. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pallid teenage lads were reporting a car-jacking by a crazy, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large can of pepper spray! No charges were filed. MORAL OF THE STORY? If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it a memorable one!

                           

 

Vice-President Kamala Harris was giving President Biden his daily briefing. She concluded by saying: "Yesterday, Mr President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" "OH NO!" the President bawls. "That’s terrible!" He then proceeds to weep buckets, and being a tad sken-eyed, (as he is), and the tears rolled down his back. (It’s what you might call ‘Bacteria’ – Geddit!) His entire staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the great man sits with his head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks: "Just how many is a Brazillion?"

A missive to the slovenly woman in Asda, who was wearing her pyjamas and slippers with two screaming kids in tow. If you’re wondering how the condoms appeared in your trolley, thank me later!

I’ve just finished two excellent books that I can recommend to all my readers. The first one is called Childish Retorts by Euan Hoozami and the second one is titled: Fighting on a Narrowboat by R.G. Bargee.

I bought a litre of milk and a wholemeal loaf from Aldi yesterday. It was entirely an impulse buy. I only went in for a two-man tent and an angle grinder.

If you ever reckon that your job is pointless, just remember that there is a bloke in Germany who fits indicators on BMW cars. Blondes simply adore the BMW car, It’s the only one that they can spell! Some years ago, a blonde told me that she was my dream girl. She was right. It was the dream where all your teeth and hair fall out!

Q) How much does a pirate charge for ear piercing?

A) A buccaneer.

                                   

  

I wish that pets lived a lot longer and the cost of living didn’t make life so expensive and that chocolate cake didn’t make you fat and that a lot of people weren’t total idiots, but we can all improve our individual existences by having a chortle and thereby exercising your guffaw glands. If you dare to clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest than all will be in fine fettle. The moon belongs to everyone. Now, get back to work! You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

Barmy Albert's profound epiphany...

 

Well, I'm absolutely flabbergasted! A German has been appointed to manage the England team! I hope that none of the England players mention the VAR!

Non-Stick Nora came home from bingo to find Barmy Albert in the kitchenette shaking frantically, almost in a break-dancing frenzy, with some manner of cable running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a frying pan. Up to that minute, he had been happily listening to Oasis and throwing some shapes to the rendition of Wonderwall on his iPod! This impromptu whack around the cranium caused Albert to experience a profound epiphany. Indeed, the following day, whilst languishing in his local pub, ‘The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’ He reflected on all the beer he’d larruped down over the decades and reached the obvious conclusion that he imbibed far too much. Upon grim realisation that this situation must be remedied, he decided there and then to become teetotal. Upon gazing into his empty tankard, he felt total and utter shame. Just then, he thought about the brewery workers, such as the coopers that make the barrels and the draymen who deliver them. All the brewers and their underlings who manufacture the finished product, using malt, barley, hops, yeast and many other active constituents and fine ingredients. Moreover, what about all the staff in the accounts, sales and administration departments? If he didn’t pop into his local for a few beers most nights, all these innocent folk would be unemployed. They would lose their homes and families, all because of his own selfish attitude. So, he ordered another beer, rather than ruin folk’s dreams and desires. It would have been wholly inconsiderate and selfish of him to do otherwise. The difference between Barmy Albert and Superman is that Superman has super vision, whereas our Albert needs supervision...

The missus actually apologised to me last week. She confessed that she’s sorry that she ever married me! Of course, any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles: 1) – Women. 2) – Fractions. Of course, a lot of women say their husband's never listen to them. I must confess that I have never heard my wife say anything of that nature. Unless I wasn’t listening….

                                

The Good News: I got six numbers up on the Eskimo Lottery! The Bad News: They refused to pay me. Apparently, you have to be Inuit to win you it.



Breaking news: A man was injured by a steamroller. Tameside Police are unsure what actually happened as evidence is very thin on the ground. The man was taken to Tameside Hospital and is in Wards 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 and 8.



Non-Stick Nora was in the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama gossiping to old Elsie Grabknuckle about how the new generation lack any proper common-sense or actual savoir-faire. Nora was entirely in agreement with Elsie’s observations and opined: “They don’t realise that knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Whereas, wisdom is not putting it in a trifle…. “ Elsie replied: ““The main problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.”
                                

My 4 year old nephew is learning Spanish but still can’t say please, which I think is poor for four.



Fascinating Fact: Last Thursday, I finished my five hours Speed Awareness Course in just two hours and fifteen minutes. Result!

I put a clean pair of socks on every single day and by the time Thursday comes around, I can't get me boots on! Maybe it’s because I can only sleep on a pile of old magazines. I've got back issues.

While doing a gig last week, I've been told that Joe Pasquale speaks very highly of me.

Got a gardener round the other day to look and give me some advice on my Japanese garden. I sez to him do you know much about Bonsai trees? He replied: “Very little.”

When you’re dead, you personally don’t know that you are deceased, so it doesn’t affect you personally. However, it is very difficult for others. It’s an identical scenario when you are stupid. Moreover, if you want to really know exactly how dead you are, then just put a % mark after your current age. If you want to know how stupid you are, did you vote Labour at the last election? So, now you know!

Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles, but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and never worry about getting dizzy, when you assume a comical position.

                                         

Shack of Sit.....

                                                      

Chester Draws, the extremely wealthy furniture magnate, who founded the blue-chip chair and sofa manufacturing conglomerate ‘Shack of Sit’ sauntered into the golf and country club with a stunning twentyfive year old beauty by his side. This blonde bombshell left virtually everyone in the room speechless, such was her charm and voluptuous appearance.  She clung onto Chester’s arm like a limpet and was totally transfixed with his every word, as if he was the most fascinating geezer on the planet.  Chester’s old mate Sid pulled him to one side and exclaimed: “How did you land a gorgeous girlfriend like that?” Chester grinned and proclaimed to Sid: “She’s not my girlfriend. She is actually my wife!” All his pals are absolutely staggered by this statement and then Sid asked him: “How in tarnation did you persuade her to marry you?” With a saturnine grimace, Chester declared: “I lied about my age!” Sid asked him: “So, you told her that you were fifty?” Chester chuckled and replied: “No. I told her I was ninety!” 

Breaking News: A 34 stone dad who was told to buy two airplane tickets, has ended up with one in row 18 and another in row 21. Mind you, it won’t matter where he is on the plane, he’ll still be sat next to you!

It looks like it’s going to be a freezing winter this year, because yesterday, I saw Kier Starmer with his hands in his own pockets.   My insider source of information told me that he had a tin of beans and hostages for breakfast. Let’s hope that he can stop the small boats crossing the English Channel as quick as he stopped the pensioners winter fuel allowance. The difference between humans and animals is that animals would never allow the dumbest of the herd to lead them.

On their dream holiday, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were driving through Canada on their way out west.  After several miles, it became crystal clear that they were hopelessly lost. Nora consulted the road map, but couldn’t figure out where they actually were, such was the vast terrain that they had already navigated. They were driving along a rural boulevard, when they spotted a farmer standing by the roadside.  Albert sez: “I’ll pull over and see if he can help.” Barmy Albert asks the farmer: “My wife and I appear to have taken a wrong turn. Can you help by telling me exactly where we are.” The farmer replies: “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” Albert gets back in the car and Nora opined: “Well, where the hell are we?” Albert sez: “I don’t know.  He doesn’t speak English!”

Ladies! Listen up!  If perchance you want flowers on the 14th of February 2025, then plant them now!

                                 

In a quite surreal moment, I found the front grill of a Land Rover in my front garden yesterday morning.  It was a bit of a Discovery….

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords and PIN numbers.  I got a pen and paper and said “Thank goodness for that. What are they?” It’s terrible.  I’ve got a head like one of those things in the kitchenette that you put flour through….

An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was.  I told him that it was between 9am and 2pm.  Just to prove it, I pulled a watch out of a small, box that was in an even bigger box! On the same subject, I hear that the billionaire owner of Amazon has left his wife.  Presumably, it was with a neighbour.

When I was a tiddler, my favourite teacher at Scropton Street Primary School was Miss Turtle.  She may have had an odd name but she tortoise well.  I fondly recollect when she took us terrapin bowling.

I often wonder about the people that I’ve lost along the way and I’ve come to the conclusion that I should never have become a tour guide…

Fascinating Fact: Apparently, they are filming a remake of Never-Ending Story. It starts off with a bloke asking his missus how her day went. I asked Alexa: “What do women really want?”  That was three days ago and she still hasn’t shut up!

Woman at last night’s gig shouts “You’re uncouth!” A tad unfair, I surmised, but I thought, if I had a pound for every time a woman has called me uncouth, then I’d be considered quite sophisticated.

                                  

BREAKING NEWS: Fire-fighters rescued a blonde girl who became trapped in a tumble dryer at the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama. She was reportedly unharmed other than being quite dizzy and missing a sock.

Remember that there will always be a ‘LIE’ in Believe, an ‘OVER’ in Lover, an ‘END’ in Friend, an ‘US’ in Trust and an ‘IF’ in Life.  More profound factoids and hilarious anecdotal gubbins can be located on my website.  Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. It really does not matter how far you push the envelope, it will still be stationery. Now, get back to work!

                                         

A career in organised crime....

 

                                                                        

A job is nice but it interferes with my life. Some people’s occupation sometimes reflect their individual persona. Just like the wife (or Jurassic Park in Knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) who has over the years, lost many a good job through the sack. She had to pack her last job in. She had contracted rheumatism in her shoulder and consequently couldn’t throw the harpoon any more. After that most unfortunate farrago, she secured employment with the local council in the capacity of a gritter over the Woodhead Pass. My grandfather, now he was a proper British craftsman if there ever was one. He used to stain floors. He didn’t mean to…… Many folk become thoroughly absorbed in their chosen trade. For example, what about the gravedigger, who was so carried away with his work, that he dug a pit so deep one afternoon that he couldn’t climb out when he had finished. Come nightfall and evening’s chill, his predicament became more uncomfortable. He shouted for help and finally attracted the attention of a drunken fella who was staggering by. " I’m a gravedigger. Get me out of here," he pleaded. "I’m freezing cold!" The inebriated geezer peered into the open grave and finally spotted the shivering digger in the darkness. "Well, no wonder you’re cold, pal," said the drunk, kicking some of the loose sods and soil into the hole. "You haven’t got any dirt on you." He’d obviously lost the plot!

Long before we get to Movember, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month, then I’m doing Octoblerone. I’m also taking a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send £10.

                                         

  

When a florist goes to a barber for a haircut, it starts an unbelievable chain of events! After the trim, he was about to pay and the barber informs him: “I’m not accepting any money from you. I’m helping the community of the town today.” The florist was quite touched by this and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop after lunch, there is a thank you card and a magnificent bouquet of flowers waiting for him. Later, the local bobby comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay, the barber again informs him: “I’m not accepting cash from anyone today, I’m helping the local community all day.” ‘The policeman is well chuffed and leaves the shop. Later that afternoon, when the barber goes put out the cat, there is another thank you note and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay, the barber again replies: I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service all day.” The professor is most impressed by the hairdresser’s benevolence and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank you letter and a dozen different books there. Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a trim and when he attempts to pay, the barber again says: “I cannot accept any money from you. I’m helping the local community today.” The Member of Parliament is absolutely amazed and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and our Members of Parliament.

Barmy Albert is sitting on the bank of the river with a salmon wriggling in a net and an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer advises Albert: "Do you know it's illegal to poach salmon out of this river – you have to possess a fishing licence?” Albert sez to the officer: "No this is Sid, my pet salmon. I bring him down here every day and let him go for a swim. He swims across the river and back." "Absolute rubbish!” the officer replies. So Barmy Albert places the salmon in the water and sez: "Just watch this." The salmon swims out and the two men are standing there waiting. Ten minutes goes past and the officer asks: "Well, where's the salmon then?" Albert replies: "What salmon?"
                                            

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it awful, it's awful!



These are difficult times, so I’m going to keep my eyes peeled and my ears to the ground. I’m going to keep my head down and try not get anyone’s back up. I’m not going to point my finger at anyone but I’m not going to stick my neck out either. I’ll always cover my backside and I won’t stick my nose in anyone else’s business. Of course, I’m still going to dip an odd toe in the water but I’ll try not to put my foot in it. Furthermore, my local prosthetics shop has changed hands and prices now cost an arm and a leg. If you need to tickle your funny bone, with stuff that’s humerus, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and crank up your cranium!

                                         

A rare moment of reflection....

                                  

I think it's ridiculous that some morons are letting off fireworks in September. My cat was so scared it ran straight up the Christmas tree.

Non-Stick Nora sends a text to Barmy Albert: “Albert, could you stop off at the local Co-op and get a loaf and some milk on your way home from work. Oh, and your girlfriend Cynthia has phoned.”
Albert replied: “Who's Cynthia?” Nora sez: “Nobody, I just made it up, because I wanted to ensure that you read my text.” Albert curtly announced: "Okay, I’m with Cynthia right now, I thought you spotted us?” Nora opined: “Eh! What! Where abouts are you?” Albert: “Near the local Co-op shop.”
Nora screamed: “Wait there! Don’t you move! I’m coming over there right now!” After ten minutes elapsed, Nora phones Albert and shouts: “I’m at the Co-op now. Where are you?” Barmy Albert replied: “I’m at still at work. But now that you’re at the Co-op yourself, get a loaf and some milk.”

                                            

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So, I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£120 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I sez. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at £120 quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Evoque!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied: “And how, may I ask, did a mere bar person cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”

I’ve joined a wine club. We meet in the park at 8am. See ya there! Fetch a bottle!

They reckon (whoever ‘they‘are) that in the very near future, Blackpool is to undergo radical change and will become a sophisticated gambling oasis, comparable only to Las Vegas. I can’t see it. We just don’t do things as slick as the Yanks here, so there will be notable differences. For example, in Vegas, because so many people have heart attacks, the big high-class casinos are now equipped with elaborate defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. Whereas, if you were in Blackpool they’d just probably drag you across the nylon carpet and touch your finger to the faux brass door knob. It’s like Neil Armstrong’s first words when he landed on the moon. "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind". You wouldn’t hear such profound metaphors from a resident of the northern hemisphere of the United Kingdom. If a Yorkshire lad landed on the moon, he’d survey his surroundings and say summat like: "There’s no way a cow jumped over this!" We are not cultural bedfellows at all – we never will be. We’re incompatible. I remember when they built a Disney world in Tokyo. It was the only place in the whole world, where everyone was too small to go on the rides. The only comparison to Vegas in Blackpool would be that you could get sex in return for chips!

In a rare moment of reflection, the missus sez to me: “Do what you love and the money will follow.” So, when she went to work, I ordered a 12inch pepperoni and mushroom pizza, drank a half bottle of fine Argentinean Malbec, had a bet on a horse called Chunky Monkey that was running in the 2-30 at Haydock, followed by a snooze in the afternoon and then took lots of selfies with all my dogs. Now I wait....

My mate Dave has been ill in bed for the past couple of weeks, so I went around yesterday and took some DVD’s and a bottle of Argentinian Malbec. Fingers crossed he won't notice they're gone....

                                    

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me:comedianuk@sky.com