They're not making shortbread any longer....

                            

I bought one of those smart light switches but it was too clever for me. So, I replaced it with a dimmer switch!


I told a joke in a Zoom meeting. No one laughed. It turns out I'm not even remotely funny!


I’ve come to the conclusion that Zoom meetings are akin to a modern séance. With rhetoric like: - “Emma Jayne, are you there?” “Suzie, make a sound, so we can hear you!” “George, is anyone else there with you?” “Joanne, we can’t see you, can you hear us?” Knock once for yes and twice for no!

                              

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the difficulty they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember stuff. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, Albert got up from his chair and Nora asks, "Where are you going?" Albert replies, "To the kitchenette." Nora asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He sez: "No, I can remember that." She replied: "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I’m not stupid! I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, Albert shouts: "I don't need to write that down! I can remember all that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. Nora stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

                                     

The teacher asked the class what their favourite animal was and little Albert sez, "Fried chicken." She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed like drains! Albert’s parents told him to always tell the truth. He did. Fried chicken was his favourite animal. Albert told his dad what had happened, and he said his teacher was probably a member of the RSPCA. He said they love animals very much. Albert did too. Especially chicken, preferably the fried variety. Anyway, his teacher dispatched him to the headmaster’s office. Albert told him what had occurred, and he laughed, too! Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class the teacher asked Albert what his favourite live animal was. He told her it was chicken. She asked him why, so he told her it was because you could make it into fried chicken. She sent Albert back to the headmaster's office. The headmaster chortled and told Albert not to do it again. Albert couldn’t comprehend. His parents taught him to be honest, but his teacher doesn't like it when he is. Today, his teacher asked the class to tell her what famous person they admired most. Albert told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where he is now...

                                  

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serbian, a Czech, and a Swiss bloke went into a pub. The landlord says "Sorry, I can't let any of you in without a Thai"



Elsie Grabknuckles husband has snuffed it. I took her down to the local newspaper office for her to put a notice in the obituaries section. She is short of money and just wanted to keep it brief, 'Fred is dead.' However, it turns out you can have six words for a fiver. Bargain! She put, 'Fred is dead. Volvo for sale.'

                                 

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!

                                           

The Food Bank Farrago.....

                              

I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last weekend and two blokes were discussing how their names matched their jobs. The first fella sez: "My name is Mike and I'm a singer." Whereas, the second guy replied: "Yeah, my name is Doug and I'm a gardener. Really weird isn't it." Meanwhile, two Scousers sitting at the next table maintained an uneasy silence. Their names were Nick and Rob.



Fascinating Fact: It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language.
There's 'Hors D'oeuvers' for starters.



German chancellor Olaf Scholz was attending an economic summit in Athens and the passport control authority asked him: “Nationality?” He replied: “German.” Passport control asks: “Occupation?” Scholz says: “No. I’m only here for two days…”

                                                 

It’s well documented that Rishi Sunak lives off his wife's money, whereas Dominic Raab lived off other folks dinner money...



Non-Stick Nora is organising a Coronation street party in May and asked Barmy Albert if he wanted to come. He said he did as long as he can go as Ken Barlow.



Many moons ago, I would visit many pubs and sit in the tap room to listen to the dubious characters that frequented the venue. There was a guy called Johnny Rocco in the Dog and Duck who maintained that “the CIA invented butter.” Crazy Frank in the Hare and Hounds was convinced that “the moon is a plate on a stick.” There were lots of these off-the-wall folk who were part of life’s rich tapestry in those halcyon days. I used to think, “What would it be like if they all actually met each other?” Fast forward to today and we have the internet and there they all are!
                                      

Fascinating Fact; Apparently cowboys used to tie a lantern to their horses saddle to help them see where they were going at night. It's the first known example of saddle light navigation.



I used to have a good friend whose name was Dan D'Lyon. He was an affable bloke, however his death was quite unusual. He wet the bed and his head popped off. Sad, but true….



Banks should do a lot better job keeping their ATM’s filled with cash. Five times this week it has said “Insufficient Funds.” Even the local food bank is not to be trusted. I deposited a tin of sardines in there a fortnight ago and when I went back to withdraw them last Monday, they’d gone!



We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the wife and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!

                                                       

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!



Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as BBC News came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and I knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."

                                 

The Scropton Street Scenario.....

                                          

RIP Mary Quant.Many years ago, I had the pleasure of inspecting the contents of her brassiere. In those days, I was a quantity surveyor.

I just love a true story and this is one of my faves: One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?" Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do." The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?” Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her." The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off...

                               

  



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the grooms vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: “She made me a much better offer.”



The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune time. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!



Oh, the shame of it all! Non-Stick Nora was caught shoplifting recently. The judge asked what she had nicked. “A tin of peaches”, she said. “How many peaches were in the tin?” “Six”, she replied. “Well, I'll give you six days in prison for this heinous crime.” Barmy Albert couldn’t resist shouting out, “She also nicked a tin of Heinz baked beans!”'

                          

I went to my solicitor yesterday and, like the responsible spouse that I am, I wrote out my will. As I got home I called out to the missus, "That's it done, love! When I die I'm going to leave everything to you." She cheerily called back "You already do, you useless lump!!” I did the only thing I could do. I gave her a round of applause!
                          

Breaking News: The Manchester United squad visited an orphanage yesterday. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Britney aged 6.

Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street (behind the gasworks) this bloke suddenly hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished fella continued walking to the zebra crossing. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the flamin’ hell were you when I got married last week?"

Thought for Thursday: A monkey with a typewriter will never recreate the works of Shakespeare. But it can make quite a good living working for the Welsh tourism board.

                                   

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

Sexy lingerie for Easter...

                                   

Upon arriving outside the newsagents, there was a fella just getting in his car with his newspaper, so I reckoned that I’ll wait a moment, then commandeer the parking space that he is about to vacate. I waited awhile, but he didn’t shift, so I got out of my car to remonstrate with him. As I approached, I noticed he was reading his paper. I was fuming for a minute, but when I got closer, I noticed that he was reading this column and chuckling away to himself! So, I let the matter drop. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

Bought some sexy lingerie from Ann Summers, over the weekend. “Easter Surprise for the wife?” asked the assistant. “Only if she catches me wearing it.” I replied.

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a brilliantly sunny day like we had over the Easter break, that you realise how many of them just suddenly burst into flames….

I've been asked to join a 'Stiff Little Fingers' tribute band. They're called 'Arthritis.'

While watching a movie at the local bughut recently, I couldn’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can’t hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
                                 

I took the missus to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said “Your wife's mind has completely gone!” To which I replied “I'm not surprised. She's been giving me a piece of it every day for the past ten years.”

Some Saturdays, I like to go to the DW Stadium. I'm not a Wigan fan or anything. I just like some time on my own and a bit of peace and quiet.

Pets can be most problematic. I took my goldfish to the vets to see if there was any treatment available that might cure his chronic nervous twitching debility. The vet had a quick shufty and sez, "He seems quite tranquil and calm to me" I replied, "Yeah, but wait while I take him out of his bowl."

I walked into my local pub ‘The Pit-Bull & Stanley Knife’, and the landlord exclaimed, "Your missus looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you?" "Whatever you've been drinking, mate."

Further Fascinating Fact; Did you know that if you place your ear up to a complete stranger's foot, you can actually hear them saying, "What the flamin’ hell are you doing?!"

"I am in serious financial trouble?" cried my tearful octogenarian relative. "My winter fuel allowance didn’t cover my enormous gas bill." "But it is rather large, maybe they’ve read your meter incorrectly, or have you had the heating on full blast 24 hours a day?" I exclaimed. "Hardly at all, I've just cooked a few puddings and other stuff for some people," she opined. "But,the bill is nearly fifty thousand quid!" I replied. "Just how many puddings have you been making Aunt Bessie?”

                           

 

I had a job interview in the fuel industry yesterday morning. When asked what experience I have, I explained that I regularly go out robbing people in broad daylight. "When can you start?" he said.

This week observes the centenary of the tragic sinking of the Titanic. Exactly one hundred years ago, relations of the passengers who sailed on the doomed vessel were stood on the docks at Southampton, frantically awaiting news of their loved ones. Suddenly, a ten foot tall polar bear pushed his way through the assembled throng and shouted, “Any news about the iceberg, pal?”

All the newspapers of the day published massive headlines with regard to the calamity: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Tameside Reporter however, carried a much more conservative approach in its reporting of the incident, there was a little column at the foot of page nineteen which read: ‘Stalybridge Man Drowns.’

                                                   

 

Fascinating fact: I'm great in bed. It's when I get up it all goes wrong!

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website http://www.comedianuk.com/ or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

                                

the fearless Frenchman...

                 

I’ve been scammed yet again! I paid a carpenter in advance to build me a bespoke double bed and found out he's done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another!

Q) How do you get your average Frenchman to become a fearlessly brave and highly motivated fighting machine? A) Tell him that he has to work until he’s 64.

Chancellor Olaf Scholz flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When he gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at his passport and asks, "Nationality?" He sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" He replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

Any man who reckons marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't understand two fundamental principles: 1) - Women. 2) – Fractions.
     

Because we were very poor, I was home schooled and my mother taught me to speak Japanese. Whenever the rent man knocked on the front door, I would answer and say to him “Shintin.”



When I was young, I remember sidling up to a girl in a nightclub and saying to her “Hey, good lookin’ what you got cookin’?” She replied: “Nothing spectacular, Dracula…” Oh dear. Hat and coat time already! Fast forward to last week and the doorman wouldn’t let me in because he thought “I’d had a few too many.” I replied “You mean drinks?” he sez: “No. I meant birthdays….”



I've set my bar so low that these days getting an extra bag of rubbish in just before the binmen turn up counts as an achievement. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!
                             

A pipe burst in a solicitor’s house, so he called an emergency plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and then proceeded to hand the lawyer a bill for £600. The solicitor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!” The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

Fascinating Fact; I had a deaf sheep dog. They are hard to come bye…

Barmy Albert told me that he’d left Non-Stick Nora breathless in bed last night. Apparently, he hid her inhaler.

Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'
                                  

I phoned BT Broadband coz of router malfunctions et cetera. The guy asked me if I was in front of my PC, so I confirmed that I was. He then sez: “Okay, right click on Tools, Accounts, Internet options…”. I replied: “Hang on. You’re going too fast!” He asked: ”What have you done up to now?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: ”I’ve written click….”

Airports named after famous people: John Lennon and George Best. But who is Stan Sted ?..

                                     

 

I went shopping today in Aldi and I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say: “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastards name is Kevin.”