In Christmas past....

                            

The missus asked me, "What did you buy me for a Christmas prezzie?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes-Benz SL Class 5.0 SL500 2dr Cabriolet Sports car over there?” "Yes!” she said breathlessly. "Well I've got you a hairbrush the exact same colour."  That’s when the fight started!

 

I'm fortunate enough to be on holiday from December 21st until January 5th and would love to go to a quiet place, without crowds, and preferably up in the mountains or in the countryside. Ideally an all-inclusive resort type thing, where the sunshine is cracking the flags and there are many different entertainment types. I intend to spend around £10,000 to £15,000 between accommodation and food just to relax, unwind and enjoy the culmination of what has been a very difficult year.  Does anyone know where I can get the money?

 

I did have enough money to see me through until January, however we put the central heating on for an hour last week.  It was so cold that when i opened the wardrobe door, my jacket had my overcoat on!

 

At Christmas, why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together whole potatoes.

                                      

 

A travel agent looked up from his desk on Christmas Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a cracking week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that smelly old bloke I had to share the room with?"

 

In Christmas past, when I was in my teenage years, I recollect taking a lovely young lady back to the house, “You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she asked. “What gives you that idea?” I sez. “The scissors...” she replied.

 

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the scouse defendant in the dock, "What are you charged with?" The defendant replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," answered the scouser..

                             

 

Fascinating Fact: Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you LEAN. Mostly against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

 

Top Tip:  DON’T be that person who puts the empty wrappers back in the Quality Street tin!

 

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

 

 

Every time I try to eat healthy, then along comes Christmas, Pancake Day, Ash Wednesday, Easter, and summertime, Tuesday or Thursday and totally ruins it for me. My doctor reckons that I have an overactive knife and fork, so that doesn’t help matters. I tried being modest and humble one time and as usual, I was absolutely amazing at it! If you don’t believe me, then visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington, via my website. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and follow the links. You can email me too! Comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

 

                           

 

 

Winter of discount tents...

 

                                 

Well, blow me down with a galvanised aluminium sprocket! We’ve had the dreaded Covid, followed by Omincrom and now we’re blighted with Scarlet Fever and an emergence of diphtheria. Whatever happened to Monkey pox? I say, bring back the old fashioned maladies. Elsie Grabknuckle had rickets, which made her legs go bandy. Poor lass had to iron her bloomers on a boomerang. But what fun we had!

Fascinating Fact; I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of coke for £3! 

                          

On Christmas Eve, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die!" she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a man from Newcastle stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... "Iron this-and then get me a beer, Pet." 

                                              

Two turkeys were talking to each other. One sez: “What do you think about all this bird flu that’s knocking about?” The other turkey replied, “I hope we don’t get culled before Christmas...”

The missus (She is a stunner. She works at the abattoir) informed me that she had been to an Ann Summers Christmas party. Apparently, it’s just like a Tupperware party, but with batteries and lots of tinsel. She purchased a couple of really odd items, such as some edible underwear and a pair of handcuffs. I don't eat her cooking, so I'm not going to eat her vest am I? She reckoned that if we went upstairs and I handcuffed her to the bed, I could do anything that I wanted. So I handcuffed her to the bed, then I went to Wetherspoons.

Little Sammy wrote to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother. Santa wrote back: 'Send me your mother...' 

                               

There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garybaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers! 

                                      

Dear Winter, thank you for the one week free trial. I wish to cancel my subscription. Need to keep warm? Then visit my website: www.Comedianuk.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

The Scottish F1 Scenario....

                                                

I sauntered into my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife to meet Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert and there were three absolutely stunning ladies sat at a table by the bar and I immediately sussed out what they were doing. When any bloke walked in, they were giving him points out of ten indicating how attractive the guy was. When I entered the room, they all unanimously gave me a score of 9! Feeling quite chuffed, I waltzed up to Nora and she asked me why I was looking so pleased with myself, so I told her that all the three gorgeous girls on the table had just rated me a 9. Barmy Albert sniffed and sez “I don’t want to burst your bubble, but before you came in, they were all talking in German!”

 

The German team are out of the World Cup in Qatar. England payers have been warned by Gareth Southgate that if they bump into any of them not to mention the VAR!


                                  

BREAKING NEWS: A lorry has shed its entire load of electrical goods on the M57 in Liverpool. A police spokesman said that the motorway is likely to be closed for around 2 or 3 minutes....



WOW! I’m staggered1 Just saw a sign in Tesco that sez Turkey £29. That’s £400 cheaper than Jet2 or TUI.....



Nobody informed me that when you acquire a wife, that the ears are sold separately.


                                       

Everyone seems to be moaning about genetically modified food. There's nothing wrong with it, I've just had a lovely leg of Salmon. Genetically modified chicken is flying off the shelves...



Whenever someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first. This pretty much explains everything you need to know about marriage. Taking the above into account, the wife has been missing for well over a fortnight now and the police came to my house last night, to tell me the bad news, So I’ve had to go to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!



Fascinating Fact: For many years I always thought hitchhikers were complimenting me on my driving.



Top Tip: To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon and use the box that it came in.


                                    

T.V. has gone full circle. Not too many years ago, the public used to sit and watch entertainers like me on the telly. Now, entertainers sit indoors and watch the public on T.V.



MGM studios have announced a remake of Hitchcock’s classic The Birds. Leading roles played by Russell Crowe, Steven Seagal and Ethan Hawke, with music by Taylor Swift.

                                   

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? There’s Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine and Ayr Town Centre.



Little Sammy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Sammy asked: "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Sammy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy mummy."



You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com