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Sunday, 15 October 2017

The Old Pound Coins....


Well, I have gotten rid of all my old round one pound coins before the deadline last weekend. All I have to do now is dispose of 59 shopping trolleys.

Q) Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?
A) Geri can

I'll never forget how ecstatic I was when I saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was skipped a beat and my pulse was racing. The anticipation was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a big smile and sez: "Wheel that trolley over here, darling. They're doing three cases of Stella Artois, for the price of two!"

Me and the wife went at it like rabbits last night! Not sex, we just ate copious amounts of carrots, twitched our noses and scratched the back of our ears with our feet.

The missus was away over the weekend, so I sauntered up Scropton Street to my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife. After imbibing copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Bestest British Bitter Beer, I was quite merry and ended up going home with Alice, the barmaid, for a clandestine night of unbridled passion and now I feel really awful. I reckon she must have had the flu or summat....

Quotation :"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein

Thought for Thursday: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up...

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.  One sez to the other, "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."

Fascinating Fact: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...


Quiz of the Week:

1)If you’re sailing down a river on a yacht doing 20 knots per hour and your vessel loses a wheel, then exactly how much cement would you require to re-shingle you’re roof?

2) If binge drinking destroys your memory - what does binge drinking do?

Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will pick a winner.

My two kids keep coughing so I took them to see the doctor today. "Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me. "Yes." I replied. "About 40 a day." "That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you would be to give them up." "Fair enough, doc." I said, shaking his hand, "I'll call social services in the morning."

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website or email me: Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


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