Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith!
Yesterday morning I was observing a young lady having a hard time reversing her car, so I offered to help. "Get lost!" She yelled. "It's my car, I can do it myself." "Please, I insist," I sez, "I know it's your car, but it's also my conservatory that you're in."
The missus sent me a text that sez, "I've found out you've been seeing another woman, you cheating swine! I've packed all my stuff and I'm going to my sister’s house." I texted back: "Okay, I'll see you when you get here."
I don't like making plans for the day. Primarily, because then the word "premeditated" gets bandied around in the courtroom.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone that you have just met. That's common sense leaving your body. So, now you know!
I advise all readers that a lot of the old jokes in this column are archived. My Scottish pal wants to know if they'll archive the new..
Folk reckon that I'm eccentric because I ate an abacus. Well, I think that what inside that counts.
Visitied Primark and purchased a reversible jacket online this morning, and I'm really excited to see how it turns out!
Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!
Q) Which Spice girl can carry the most petrol?
A) Geri can...
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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