The Leaves.....

                                                   

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith!


All these old programmes circulating on copious satellite channels!! I was watching the Gadget Show on Dave. I just can't wait to get one of them Walkmans!


Oh folly folly! I put my brand new iPhone under the pillow last night and went to kip. When I awoke, it had disappeared and a pound coin was in its place. Could this have been the Bluetooth fairy?

                                                   

Surreal Joke of the Century: A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes ecstatic, "This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."



Thought for Thursday: Never forget that if you help a man when he is in trouble, he will always remember you when he is in trouble again....



While I was walking the dogs, I discovered a suitcase in the woods containing four fox cubs. I phoned the RSPCA and the woman there asked me: "Are they moving?" I sez, "I don't know, but that would certainly explain the suitcase..."

                                                     

The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!



Barmy Albert always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"  Great bloke but a terrible anaesthetist...

I’ve been swapping the wife’s chocolate bar wrappers around!!! She hates it when I do that.
She tends to get her Snickers in a Twix!



Non-Stick Nora went to a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"



Top Tip: Turn an ordinary settee into a sofa bed, by simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.


I'm getting really annoyed with certain folk who fail to accept responsibility for things, but please don't quote me on this...


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com